


Things Change

by spongeson



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Depression, I have basically re-written canon, Light is considerably more human and less full of himself, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Self Harm, Supernatural - Freeform, Yotsuba Arc, also please understand that some characters WILL be ooc in order for this AU to work, brief depictions of gore, maybe some humor. I try to be funny when I can, redemption story, some canon character deaths. others will be avoided, the death note is a cursed object, there are many fandom cliches present. this is self indulgent, this isn’t the same Light that we all know and love (read: hate)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2019-12-29 18:21:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 49,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18299594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spongeson/pseuds/spongeson
Summary: Light Yagami led an average, if unfulfilling life. And when the Death Note fell into his possession, something sick and twisted uprooted it. The notebook beckoned to him, and he reluctantly heeded its call. It fed him dark pulsations, dark persuasions, and it eventually overtook him.Along the line, in an altered state of mind, Light found comfort in L. And a when that state of mind shattered, Light shattered along with it.A love story.on an extended hiatus due to my declining physical and mental health





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> howdy, y’all !! i’m jessie, the Writer and creator of this pocket dimension in the death note world.
> 
> this is an AU with canon elements. Light isn’t a pompous asshole— he starts off as an average, if more than a little depressed teenager, who’s best friends with his baby sister and honestly loves his family. his Kira!personality starts to manifest over a period of time due to prolonged contact w the death note— which is a cursed object in this AU. 
> 
> so when he loses his memories of being Kira, he essentially reverts back to his original self. I thought it might be interesting.
> 
> there are quite a few fandom cliches here, as I’ve mentioned in the tags. I’m a sucker for redemption stories, and the death note fandom has a few that I will, quite literally, re-read until the day I die.
> 
> at times this will seem fast paced— the reason behind this is that I don’t have the patience to completely re-write canon, or divulge information that all of you already know. many canon events do happen, and they’re still mentioned— but I glossed over them to save you all (and myself) some time.
> 
> I plan to update this once a week. if anything changes, you’ll be the first to know.
> 
> with all of that said— I don’t own Death Note. it’s 2019, I know, but since I did borrow some dialogue directly from the anime in the first 2 chapters I’m putting up this disclaimer to cover my ass.

_November 27th, 2003_

The droll cadence of a man far less adept at teaching than he ought to be filled the otherwise silent classroom. Flicks of pencil scratching against paper was the only other sound as students hastily jotted down their instructor’s every word. The material, recited rather obviously from the teacher’s hastily taken notes, wasn’t interesting in the slightest.

And even if it wasn’t being poorly paraphrased by a less-than-stellar teacher, Light Yagami already knew all that he needed to know about the subject.

English literature was a passion of his, in some regards. It was one of the few subjects that had captured his interest in his free time. Reading standard Japanese literature stopped being a challenge in middle school, and so he moved onto something more advanced.

And fluency in English was a desirable trait; not that it particularly mattered to him.

Mr. Katsuki, Light’s teacher, continued his lecture in that same, patronizing lilt of his. He spoke of the importance of each passage he read aloud, the significance of each hidden meaning and theme, but Light drowned it out in favor of glancing out the window to his left.

The sun was high and deceptively bright, giving off the impression of warmth despite the oncoming winter season. Light enjoyed that time of year. His sister, Sayu, stayed home more often than not during the chilliest months; complaining of the wind potentially ruining her complexion and effectively turning her into a homebody.

In any case, it was always livelier when she was around. Her circle of friends took up most of her free time; for a middle schooler, she was exceedingly popular.

“Listen for the voice of God,” Mr. Katsuki read aloud, “Then follow it and know that in time you will find your salvation.”

 _Salvation_ , _huh?_ Light thought to himself with an unimpressed frown. As if any God would truly care enough about their creations to offer them salvation. They’re the masters behind the glass screen, so to speak.

Not that Light gave it any real thought, since he didn’t believe in any power greater than the human mind. If he allowed himself to think about God, he’d wonder why it was that he was so unhappy.

“Yagami, are you still with us?” Mr. Katsuki broke him out of his reverie with that single, patronizing question. Light sat a little straighter in his seat at being called out for not paying attention. “Can you please translate the following sentence into English?”

A few girls behind him giggled. Light wanted to roll his eyes, but he refrained. Standing from his seat with resignation, he glanced down at the passage Mr. Katsuki was referring to, and translated it.

“Follow the teachings of God,” he sighed with barely stifled distaste, “And receive his blessings— and so it shall be that the seas will again become bountiful, and the raging storms will subside.”

He didn’t much care for the biblical, not out of disrespect but out of general lack of interest.

Mr. Katsuki, used to Light’s impeccable ability to stay on task even while distracted, pursed his lips tersely and nodded. The girls behind Light giggled again.

“Thank you, Yagami.”

And the class resumed, much the same way as it had started, with Light staring out the window.

He was bored, but not really dispassionate. Maybe a little unsatisfied, due to his lack of social interaction outside of a classroom environment. Not that anyone truly captured his interest enough to spark any type of deep friendship.

There was a time, years ago, when that might have been possible. But things change, such as the world does, and time can only march in one direction.

As the school day for everyone else came to an end, Light’s was only just beginning. A few hours after school are spent on his regular work before he headed off to cram school.

Cram school, while more strenuous than his general education, was still a bit too easy for him to be much of a challenge. But there, he actually had a fighting chance of meeting someone on his intellectual level that he could have a meaningful conversation with.

One such person was a girl by the name of Kiyomi Takada, who he once thought he could possibly fall for. Her brash nature, though, stopped any such feelings from growing past the crush-stage very quickly into their acquaintanceship. He liked her, though, so they continued to talk in between taking notes.

It wasn’t anything substantial, but it made the loneliness ebb away, if only a little.

On his way home, he stopped off at 7-Eleven and picked up a snack for his sister, knowing that, with her tendency to fall into fad diets in spite of her young age, she needed the nourishment. Even if it came in the form of a gas-station delight.

Slipping back onto the streets, he made his way back home without incident.

Toeing his shoes off in the entry way, he announced his arrival with a tired sigh. He didn’t much feel like performing tonight, and the surprise in his mother’s eyes didn’t go unnoticed when he entered the kitchen.

“Welcome home, sweetheart.” Sachiko greeted, warm smile not entirely meeting her worried eyes. She met him halfway, reaching a small, acutely aging hand to brush the hair out of Light’s tired eyes. “You look like you had a rough day.”

“It was the same as any other.” He said, by way of response. Sachiko’s smile dimmed a bit, but she nodded in acquiesce, lowering her hand to her side. Light felt immediately guilty for making her worry, so he mustered up the most genuine smile he could.

“It wasn’t so bad, mom, I’m just feeling a bit worn out. Cram school is putting me through the wringer.”

He said this with a laugh, as if he didn’t just lie to his mother’s face. Sachiko’s eyes glimmered knowingly, and she fought off a true smile.

“I know when you’re in the middle of a fib, dear.” She laughed, a tinkling sound unaffected by age, sounding just as young and carefree as Sayu. “You’re too clever to be put through any type of wringer.”

Light’s smile turned a bit more genuine, looking abashed.

“It’s just a teenager thing.” He tried again. “I think I’m just restless.”

Sachiko nodded, understanding, but not really. Light couldn’t bring himself to tell his mother that he’d been feeling depressed.

“Sayu just got home a little while ago, herself.” She said helpfully, noticing the plastic bag at Light’s side. “I’m sure she’d appreciate some help with her homework, although she’d never say so.”

Light sighed fondly and agreed easily, turning towards the stairs. Sayu, while endlessly clever, tended to push herself too hard when it came to homework. It wasn’t always this way, and maybe the reason she stopped initially asking for help was because of some hidden insecurity.

Light, despite being a genius, didn’t entirely get it. What did she have to be ashamed of? She was a smart girl. He always tried to let her know this, even when she rolled her eyes good-naturedly and called him out for being a flatterer.

The siblings spent a good hour going over Sayu’s math homework, although she already had a decent grasp on the material. She grinned up at him afterwards, her dark brown eyes twinkling in mischief.

“Looks like having a giant brain is contagious, big brother.” She teased, but Light knew she was just prideful, and was happy to not be struggling so much this evening. He rolled his eyes and ruffled her hair, earning himself a swat to the hand and a scathing, but not entirely genuine glare.

They both perked up slightly at the sound of their father’s arrival, and descend the stairs to see meet him in the threshold.

After dinner, in his own room, Light flicked on the news and was immediately assaulted by an onslaught of reports, varying in seriousness by a large degree.

However, the most prominent and recent story, sent chills right down Light’s spine.

A female reporter with thick, glossy black hair pinned into an elegant bun eyed the camera with an air of self importance.

“Today, at approximately 11 am, a 32-year-old man was found stabbed to death in his apartment in the city of Yokohama Karigara Prefecture. Karigawa police are treating this case as a homicide.”

Light immediately felt sick, all at once regretting his recreational choice. He’s never been one for violence, and in spite of his strong sense of justice, he was simply too squeamish to even think about what the victim possibly looked like after such a brutal stabbing.

Just the thought of it made bile rise in his throat.

Another newscaster, an aging man who was probably less sympathetic than he looked, reported on another one of the dozens of murders happening just outside the city line, seemingly unfazed by the gruesome details. Were such details even allowed to be aired on television? Even if it was the interest of getting the word out? Light didn’t know.

All he could think about was just how rotten the world truly was.

—

The next day went by, much the same as the day before, and even days previous. Light woke up early, left for school early and arrived on campus earlier than his teachers.

But not unreasonably so.

The only break in routine was a sudden streak of black falling from the sky outside his classroom. Light blinked in confusion, unsure of what he just saw.

It appeared out of nowhere, not even taking a complete fall from the sky. It was as if it just appeared, halfway on its Earthly descent.

He kept his eyes on it throughout class, just in case. In case of what, exactly, was yet to be seen. When they were dismissed for the day, Light was the first to leave. He walked briskly to the large patch of grass outside his classroom, curiosity eating at him much the same way an ulcer eats at one’s stomach tissue.

Curiosity can be lethal, after all. He didn’t pay heed to the people waving at him, not because he didn’t care but because he was just so interested in whatever just fell from the sky that he had to forgo all social niceties.

The black object, upon further inspection, was a notebook. It lay prone, face down in the frosted grass, and looked so utterly pathetic that Light deemed it necessary to pick up.

The title gave him pause, and he felt his amber eyes narrow.

“Death Note?” He read aloud to himself, marveling in the gothic, English font scrawled over the cover. “As in a notebook of death? This can’t be real.”

Despite his own words, he found himself leafing through the notebook, taking stock of the list of rules and empty white pages.

“Okay, this has to be some sort of elaborate joke.” He muttered, a feeling of disbelief washing over him.

 _The_ _human_ _whose_ _name_ _is_ _written_ _in_ _this_ _notebook_ _shall_ _die_.

Was this the work of some depressed, socially inept teenager, with a wild imagination? It seemed likely, although Light wasn’t necessarily one to judge other people’s emotional outlets. He had his fair share of baggage, even if he kept it locked up tight most of the time.

Still, a notebook is a notebook, and it was a free one at that. He slipped it into his messenger back with little thought, and headed home.

—

“I shouldn’t even be considering this as an option.” Light found himself saying, later that evening. He was huddled over his desk with the death note pried open, pressed flush against his desk by the palm of his sweaty hand. His perfect posture, nowhere to be seen. His perfect composure, slipping.

“The human whose name is written in this notebook shall die.” He read aloud, again. He was careful to keep his door closed and locked, under the pretense of studying for his practice exams.

His eyebrows pulled together, hand pressing harder into the notebook on his desk.

“So you need to have a specific persons face in mind for it to work..” He was speaking without thinking, the words pouring out of his mouth of their own accord. He continued reviewing the rules in silence.

If the cause of death is written within 40 seconds of writing the person's name, it will happen. If the cause of death is not specified, the person will simply die of a heart attack. After writing the cause of death, details of the death should be written in the next 6 minutes and 40 seconds...

“This is pretty detailed for such a lame joke.” Light sighed, trying and failing to quell the unease sitting in the pit of his stomach. His mind was racing, searching for a reason. Why would someone go to such lengths to make up something as twisted as this? It didn’t make sense.

The person behind this has to be troubled. Light felt a sense of pity, underlying the unease.

But let’s say, on the off chance that it wasn’t a joke. If he were to write a name in this notebook, and it somehow miraculously worked... would that make him into a murderer? The idea of it made him want to throw up.

Still, he was curious to a fault. And he knew that it was impossible to cause someone’s death through such indirect means.

With that in mind, he flipped on the television in search of the news.

The frightened expression on the news anchors face was enough to make Light physically cringe.

“The same assailant who attacked 6 people at a busy shopping district in Sinjuku yesterday has struck again, taking 8 people hostage at this daycare center.”

Light watched on, his eyes widening at the scene. His heart thudded heavily in his chest, but he also held a sense of anticipation somewhere deep down.

The news anchor continued speaking in a rushed tone.

“His captives include both children and teachers. The police have now identified the suspect as 42-year-old Kuro Otoharada, currently unemployed. We expect negotiations to begin immediately.”

Hand twitching against his desk, Light grabbed a pen from its holder on his desk and pressed the tip to the first page.

A heart attack in under 60 seconds. This guy is a criminal. He’s a killer. I can at least test this out on someone deserving, on the off-chance it works.

His heart was thundering, blood rushing in his ears as he wrote the man’s name in neat, if rushed, kanji.

Kuro Otoharada.

The seconds began to tick by, faster than what seemed possible for such a small increment of time.

There was still no progress on the scene, and things were escalating quickly. Light began to grow clammy, usually pristine hair sticking to the nape of his neck.This was truly killing him, if the death note was indeed real then it must’ve backfired.

However, just as soon as that thought flitted through his mind, the news anchor on-screen let out an audible gasp.

“Wait, we’re seeing something here! The hostages are coming out!”

The doors of the school opened, and out poured dozens of crying children and their teachers, who were seemingly for the most part physically unharmed.

Another news anchor on the scene, who was bit more collected, said “The Special Forces are taking action; they're moving in!”

Light’s eyes remained glued to the screen, chest tight with a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“We don't know if the suspect's been arrested.” Their eyes widened, and they pressed a hand to their earpiece. A question was in their eyes. “Huh? Yes? Okay, we now have confirmation. The suspect has been found dead inside! I repeat, the suspect is now dead!”

The suspect is now dead.

“Dead?” Light found himself asking. He didn’t remember moving his lips. But that was his voice, wasn’t it?

“...according to statements from hostages the suspect just suddenly collapsed....”

Collapsed?

He just collapsed.

So, a heart attack?

The nausea Light felt was all encompassing, but he tried to hold himself together. This was likely just a coincidence. There was no feasible way that something like this, a notebook of death, could be real.

It left an awful taste in his mouth. The sweat from his hand stained the front page only slightly. He ran a hand through is sweaty hair, tousling it to give it a semblance of life after what he just put himself through.

His train of thought was abruptly broken off by his mother, reminding him of the time. Cram school.

“I’ll be right down!” He called, sounding far more collected than he actually felt. He was shaken, truly shaken, but also debilitatingly intrigued.

Maybe he could try again. He could test it on another criminal, someone who wouldn’t be missed.

Vaguely surprised by his own thoughts, he straightened himself up and shoved the notebook and his thoughts about it down into his messenger bag and his brain for later inspection.

Class itself went by uneventfully, although he did have to bare witness to yet another demonstration of toxic masculinity in the form of bullying upon entering the classroom. It was unsightly, and part of him did want to step in and do something to intervene. But in order to keep a relatively low profile, he kept his mouth shut.

Perhaps that made him an unsavory person. He didn’t like that idea, that image of himself, but soon enough the teacher entered the classroom and all fell silent.

On his way home, he stopped by the 7-Eleven to pick up another snack and a magazine for Sayu, when something caught his attention. Stepping back outside into the chilly fall air, plastic bag held tight in his hand, he watched as a group of greasy, unkempt men circle around some poor, defenseless woman, all on her own in the dead of night.

Light was far enough away not to draw attention to himself, but he could still make out most of what the men were saying.

One of the men revealed himself to be named Takuo Shibuimaru. He had a leer on his prematurely aging face, and a big dumb grin aimed to either charm or hurt the intended.

Without much preemptive thinking on his part, Light pulled out the death note and his pen as discreetly as possible, settling it between the pages of the magazine he purchased for his sister. It was best to be inconspicuous.

He quickly scribbled down Shibuimaru’s name, and his cause of death. A traffic accident, something vague but also something that could prove the authenticity of the notebook quickly.

People like him.. they don’t deserve to live, anyway.

If it was real, it wouldn’t be a loss. Not at all.

He heard the woman scream, and he looked up to see her run into the street, away from her perpetrators. Shibuimaru ran after her, arm outstretched and his face twisted in a snarl.

“Hey, wait up-!”

Before he had time to finish his sentence, and before his friends had a chance to call out in warning, Shibuimaru was struck. Light saw it, right before his very eyes.

The blood. Oh god. _Oh_ _god_ , there was so much blood.

Immediately struck by a tidal wave of nausea, Light bent at the waist and vomited over the pavement. The acidity burned on its way up, and he coughed through the tears as his mind started racing.

 _I_ _killed_ _someone_. _I_ _just_ _killed_ _someone_.

 _It’s_ _real_. _The_ _death_ _note_ _is_ _real_.

 _I’m_ _a_ _killer_.

He was revolted, and he threw up again. No one came to assist him, too caught up in the pandemonium of the traffic accident. He didn’t want to be assisted, either.

He was terrified, not only of what he had just done, but the thrill he felt running down his spine in the aftermath. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, lightheaded, and stuffed the death note in his bag without looking at it. He gripped his shopping with white-knuckles, trembling just a little during the remainder of his walk home.

He had a lot to think about.

—

Five days passed without further incident. He only used the death note a couple of times since the night of Shibuimaru’s death. Each time resulted in the same thing: Light, fighting back the urge to be sick, fighting off the urge to write more than necessary.

He left the death note in his room, buried in a desk drawer, under lock and key. Even while at cram school, and after receiving a perfect score on his practice exams, he couldn’t stave off the feeling it was calling to him, somehow. It seemed to pulsate with a dark energy, but he couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary surrounding it despite its supernatural properties.

Sachiko, of course, was thrilled to bits over her son’s perfect score.

“Light, dear, this is wonderful news.” She sighed wistfully, cupping her eldest child’s face in her hand. Normally he’d blush at the attention, but recently he’d been left a little shell shocked. Sachiko noticed his lack of a response.

“Light?” She asked, pulling her hand away from his cheek to gracefully pet his neck in a soothing, motherly fashion. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?”

“It’s nothing, mom.” He said, and even he could hear how dull his voice sounded. “This exam really was something else.”

His words seemed to calm her a bit, and she nodded her head in understanding.

“You’ve been working so hard, Light.” She said, eyes crinkling in worry despite the smile on her face. “I know how much getting into ToHo means to you. But you don’t have to push yourself, you already have the means of getting in.”

He supposed she was right about that. But it wasn’t the pressure of being the perfect scholar sitting in his stomach, solid as a rock.

It was the guilt, and the thrill, of the death note, festering inside him like an illness.

He excused himself, away from his mother’s prying eyes, and slinked into his room for the night. Sayu was at a friend’s house, studying for an algebra test she had the next day, and therefore wasn’t around to offer her company. Not that Light really wanted it at the moment.

Heaving a tired sigh, Light let his bag fall to the floor in a heap, before settling at his desk to study.

He couldn’t even force himself to feign interest in the workbook in front of him. He’d already done most of these questions before. They were all too easy, and he was unable to distract himself from the torrent of thoughts rushing through his head.

 _ **You**_ _**know**_ **_you_** **_can_** _**do**_ **_better_** **_than_** **_this_**.

Better than what, he wondered to himself.

 _ **There**_ _**aren’t**_ **_nearly_** **_enough_** **_names_** **_written_** _**down...**_

He glanced down at his desk drawer, and tentatively opened it and withdrew the death note. Only a dozen or so names were written down, two of which were nearly smeared away with dried sweat.

“You don’t seem to like this very much.”

Light very nearly felt himself die at the unexpected voice, and he fell out of his desk in a tangle of limbs. He whipped his head around and let out a brief yell before clamping his mouth shut.

The being before him was anything but human. Taller than any person ought to be, with long, emaciated black limbs sticking out of a twisted and skeletal body. It’s face was gaunt, large yellow and red eyes bulging out almost comically in opposite directions, and a large grin plastered over its white, leathery features.

It was laughing, and the sound was like nails on chalkboard, only deeper and more grating.

“No reason to be so surprised.” It said, grin widening despite its apparent physical limitations. “Although, with the way you’ve been tiptoeing around my death note, I guess it can’t be helped.”

It said this in a curious fashion, despite its menacing appearance. Light felt the blood drain from his face, and his lips quivered only slightly before speaking.

“Who are you?”

This had the creature in a full-blown belly laugh, its lack of organs not seeming to be a deterrent in the least.

“You’re hilarious.” It chortled, eyes taking a more sinister hue in its laughter. “I’m the shinigami, Ryuk.”

 _Shinigami_.

“A god of death, huh..” Light spoke aloud, and all at once his usual collected calm returned to him. Most of it wasn’t genuine, but it was best to put on a front, especially in uncharted waters such as this.

“Yep.”

It was a blunt answer. Light rather liked bluntness, he needed it at that moment.

“I guess it shouldn’t surprise you, then, that I’ve been waiting for you to arrive.”

Ryuk did, in fact, look a bit surprised, but it didn’t show through its facial expression alone. It’s eyes glimmered, almost childishly, even though the monster before him looked nothing like a child.

“Oh?” It asked, with a tilt to its head that, while unseemly, reminded Light that of a curious animal.

“It didn’t take me long, to figure out that the death note was the real deal.” Light said, masking his discomfort and a look of aloofness. “The second name and subsequent death was enough to prove it to me.”

You can do more... you can always do better.

Ryuk settled down heavily onto Light’s bed, crossing its legs gamely, supporting its chin with its bony, spider-like hands.

“This is interesting.” It said, tongue lolling out of the side of its mouth briefly before re-entering the toothy maw. It seemed captivated by this turn of events, even though Light was well and truly lying to its face. “Of all the humans coming across death notes in your realm.. I’ve never seen someone put up such a fight. It’s funny to watch.”

A fight? Putting up a fight against what?

He would’ve asked, but the look on the shinigami’s face made Light think better of it. Something told him that it wouldn’t answer, and even it it did, it would be evasive at best.

 _ **The**_ **_world_** **_is_** **_rotten_**...

That was true.

 ** _You_** **_can_** **_do_** **_so_** **_much_** **_more_**...

He could, couldn’t he?

Something about the black, leather bound notebook was calling to him. He felt it in waves, hitting him over the side of the head. Light thought he heard Ryuk laugh.

“What are you here for?” Light found himself asking through the buzzing in his head. “I used this, knowing the consequences. Are you here to take my soul?”

Ryuk really did start laughing at that, and Light had to wonder if the shinigami ever stopped.

“No, no, nothing like that.” If said, placing its hands on its knees, leaning forward with intrigue clearly written on its face. “You humans and your fantasy stories are all too amusing. I’m here because I’m bored. The notebook became a part of the human world once it touched Earth, so for all intents and purposes, it belongs to you.”

This gave Light pause.

“Its... mine?” He asked, rather eloquently.

“Hey, if you don’t want it, all you have to do it pass ownership along to some other human.” Ryuk says this as if it’s being helpful, but it’s expression says otherwise. “But I have to tell you, that if you do choose to do that, I’ll have no choice but to erase all your memories of the notebook.”

Light didn’t like the idea of his head being tampered with in any way, so he ruled that option out. And that had him thinking, for a moment.

“So, what you’re telling me is I won’t be punished by you, even if I retain ownership?”

“That depends on what you consider to be punishment, kiddo.” Ryuk’s eyes take on that sinister gleam once again, seeming to take great pleasure in what it was about to say. “Humans, once they use a death note, are no longer able to go to heaven or hell.”

The way Ryuk said it made it seem saccharine, like the greatest joke ever told, but it left Light feeling uneasy. He’d unknowingly damned himself, and he wasn’t too sure how he felt about that.

Breaking him out of his reverie was his mother, tapping sweetly outside his door.

“Light, honey?”

Light cast Ryuk a worried look, but the shinigami just chuckled.

“Go ahead and let her in. It’ll be fine.”

Light nodded mutely, before allowing his mother entry. She opened the door, kind eyes gazing at her son with barely suppressed worry. In her hands was a small basket of apples, which served to capture Ryuk’s immediate attention.

“The neighbors brought over some fresh apples, and I thought you’d like some after a long day.” She said it with a smile, before furrowing her brow. “Why is your room so dark? Light, turn a lamp on or you’ll ruin your eyesight.”

Light does as he’s told, struck dumb by her avoidance of the obvious monster in the room. She tutted quietly before leaving the basket on his bed, shutting the door behind her.

Light reeledfor a moment, before settling his gaze on Ryuk.

“My mom can’t see you?”

“The only humans that can see me are the ones who’ve touched my death note.” Ryuk says impassively, twitching slightly next to the basket of apples. “Which leaves only you, of course.”

At this, the shinigami plucked up one of the apples and devoured it in two bites. The juices oozed between the gaps in its teeth, dripping down its chin and onto the bed spread.

“Yum~” Ryuk said happily, gravelly tone taking on an almost childlike chirp. It grabbed another two apples and proceeded to devour them much the same way as their predecessor.

Light couldn’t help the look of disgust that crossed his features. He quickly schooled his expression into something more amiable.

“I have a question.” He said, crossing his arms over his chest as he watched the shinigami gorge itself on apples alone. “Why did you choose me for this?”

Ryuk paused in its destructive, hunger fueled path, but only briefly. It chuckled, licking its fingers free of juices.

“Oh, Light, you really are hilarious.” It almost seemed to giggle. Light ignored the fact that it knew his name without him revealing it himself, chalking it up to some supernatural ability all shinigami possessed. “Humans always think that its fate, or destiny that they come across something they deem as otherworldly.”

Ryuk’s grin, while impossibly wide, still seemed to grow as it spoke.

“But the fact of the matter is, Light-o, is that I didn’t choose you. I just happened to drop it here. And you just so happened to be the one to pick it up. That’s why the instructions are all in English, the most common of human languages.”

Light supposed that made a great deal of sense, but he couldn’t help but feel disheartened.

Why did he feel that way, when he was so utterly repulsed by what the death note wrought?

The dark pulsations continued.

“Tell me why, then.” Light said, crossing his legs at the ankles. It made him feel a bit more stable in his own body. Ryuk tilted its head curiously again, but its eyes were all knowing.

“Again. I was bored.”

“Bored?”

“My world is over run by rot, and the shinigami there are boring. All they do is sit around and gamble all day.” If it weren’t for the shinigami’s tone, Light would’ve been sure Ryuk was whining.

“I figured it’d be worth a laugh if I left my death note in the human world for a while, see if it stirred anything up. So far, while I find you personally entertaining, Light-o, your conviction seems lacking.”

That had Light sitting a little bit straighter. For a reason that he couldn’t quite pinpoint, anger began swelling in his chest.

“My conviction is lacking?” He asked in disbelief. He narrowed his eyes at the shinigami. “I don’t remember there being a rule about one needing a strong conviction, Ryuk.”

Ryuk laughed at that, unsurprisingly.

“You’re right, kid. There isn’t a rule about that, or about any morals, for that matter. It was simply an observation.” It’s red eyes glowed that much brighter.

“The people whose names I wrote deserved what they got.” Light seethed, and he was so lost in his temper that he didn’t stop to think about his words. “They were criminals! They hurt people, innocent people. I’ve seen their cruelty with my own eyes!”

It’s true that Light had an intrinsic sense of justice, instilled by his father and nurtured by what he represented. But even his own words sounded foreign to his ears.

However, he couldn’t find it in himself to disregard them. They came from him, so they must be the truth to some extent.

Ryuk seemed to be having a field day, mischievous expression turning into that of full on glee.

“Ooh, you really ARE an interesting one, Light!” It cackled, wings stretching out behind it in an almost giddy fashion. “It seems I misjudged your character, not that any of that crap matters to me.”

Light twitched at the callous remark, but reminded himself that Ryuk wasn’t a human, and therefore lacked the capacity to understand complex human emotions. That analysis made him feel only marginally better.

“Why bother with the heroic act, anyway?” Ryuk asked once its laughter abated. “I mean no offense, mostly because I don’t care, but who are you to pass judgement on others? Why do you care?”

Light wanted to say it was because he believed he was doing something right and just from the start. And maybe that was true. But his life, up until now, while not terrible, was rather mundane.

He had nothing else going for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pwease review !!! 8’3c i’d really appreciate some feedback


	2. The Beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> howdy y'all. 1 week later, a brand new chapter up and still 0 comments left behind-- I'm truly sobbing rn (I’m jk of course) FNDJ THIS IS FINE
> 
> 1st chunk of this chapter is a flashback, and the 2nd part and onward is Light post-memory loss uwu
> 
> please enjoy !!!

December 5th, 2003

_Light found himself inexplicably drawn to the screen before him._

_There was a televised conference currently being aired, and standing center stage, in front of a podium, was none other than The Great Detective L. Or so he claimed to be. Light wasn’t entirely impressed, and felt the dormant irritation in him swell to life when L not only revealed his full name, but insulted him and what he stood for on front of the entire world._

_“Criminals around the world are being murdered by a serial killer.” L stated plainly, a twist of contempt marring his handsome features. He looked well and truly disgusted. “I consider this crime to be the most atrocious act of murder in history. I will not rest until the person, or persons responsible are brought to justice. Kira, I will hunt you down. I will find you.”_

_Light felt a terrible wrenching in his gut, and let out a quiet snarl. Ryuk chuckled behind him, watching the screen over his shoulder._

_“Heh, he really believes that he can catch you.” The shinigami sounded amused. He most likely was, and that served to further irritate Light._

_Never in his life had he felt an urge to hurt someone this great, especially someone who, for the most part, stood for justice and fought to uphold it._

_Light couldn’t help but feel a little betrayed by the man who called himself L. The man who just called him “Kira.” Light already had a hard enough time accepting the title, and it certainly didn’t sound appealing coming from the mouth of L._

_Or Lind L. Tailor._

_It had only been a short month since Light had come into contact with the death note. And in that time, Light only managed to write 100 names._

_Each time, he felt a conviction so strong, rushing through him like water through a dam, that he could barely suppress the urge to continue with his work. The news was always on, in one way or another. Japan wasn’t the only country in need of saving._

_But he kept himself in check._

_Or, he thought he had. Because even though he was so, so careful, he still managed to attract the attention of the great detective L._

_Each death, while having the same cause, was planned accordingly and spaced apart in such a way that they could be chalked up as coincidental in nature, if any spotlight were to be shined on them. Heart attacks aren’t too uncommon, in fact they can affect people who aren’t necessarily predisposed to the ailment._

_He had been too obvious, though. He had been careless._

_Light began to sweat, a little, his usually steadfast demeanor cracking around the edges. He heard Ryuk say something, but what?_

_“It doesn’t matter.” Light said through his teeth, fingers gripping haplessly at the arms of his desk chair. The death note sat open, in front of him, almost mocking. But it held a sort of comfort, as well, and he brushed his fingers over a page to settle his nerves._

_“They don’t know about the ‘how’, only about the ‘why.’” He rubbed his fingers over the page once more, thoughtlessly caressing it as if it were a precious object and not a beacon of death and destruction. “As long as the death note remains a secret, there’s no way he can convict me. Even if I was caught.”_

_Ryuk laughed heartily, throughly enjoying the show._

_“Kira, I've got a pretty good idea what your motivation might be, and I can guess what you hope to achieve.” Light wanted to laugh. Of course his motivation would be obvious for all to see, it didn’t take deductive skills to figure it out._

_L continued, unimpeded, with a deep scowl on his face._

_“However, what you're doing right now is evil.” He said, tone laced with venom._

_Those words were like a bucket of ice water being dumped surreptitiously over his head. Light felt himself freeze up at once, before he was engulfed in white-hot rage._

_“He thinks I’M evil?!” He nearly shrieked, hands flying up to his hair in surprise. His vision nearly started to tunnel, and he was definitely seeing red. “I’m helping to uphold justice! This is all for the sake of the innocent!”_

_In his core, he knew that to be true. He wasn’t trying to be an omnipotent figure. Many of Kira’s followers claimed him to be as such. Occasionally, it sparked mild interest, but it never lasted._

_This was different. Light had never felt so riled up. His breathing was getting out of control, and he gripped a pen in hand. It felt as though the man on the television screen could see right into his soul, as he smirked triumphantly into the camera._

_Light detested that look._

_In a flurry of rage, Light pressed his pen to the death note so hard it nearly pierced through the paper. He scribbled down Lind L. Tailor’s name in perfect English script, and shakily wrote the cause of death._

_Sudden heart failure._

_It was enough that he didn’t have to sit and think about his actions for the next 60 seconds. In one moment, L was standing center-screen, upright and healthy. In the next, he dropped face-forward into the podium, landing in a crumpled heap on the stage without any warning._

_And just like that, the spell was broken._

_Light stared at the screen almost in awe, before a twinge if guilt started to make its presence known._

_Ryuk was having a hard time speaking through the laughter, and he wiped away a few imaginary tears as Light watched the now-deceased detective L be dragged off-stage._

_He felt it had to be done, at the time, but Light recognized quickly that it hadn’t been necessary at all._

_Had this been a month ago, he would’ve been a nervous wreck. But Light didn’t say anything. He sat, completely still, unsure how to feel._

_Quite suddenly, the screen is overtaken by static before settling on a white screen with a large, gothic letter “L” sitting precariously in the center. Light immediately came back to himself, shuddering in a breath, dropping his pen onto the floor when his hands grew lax._

_“Ah. I had to test this, just in case, but I-I never thought it would actually happen.” A voice broke through the silence of the room, mechanically disguised and modified. “Kira…it seems you can kill people without having to be there in person.”_

_Light was completely frozen. Even Ryuk had stopped his inane laughter, but he still continued to grin as if this were the greatest joke to ever unfold._

_“I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't just witnessed it for myself. Listen to me, Kira.” At this, Light felt his body begin to coil even more tightly._

_“If you did, indeed, kill Lind L. Tailor— the man who you just saw die on television— I should tell you that he was an inmate whose execution was scheduled for today. That was not me._

_Light immediately leapt out of his chair, the movement so fast it managed to startled a look out of Ryuk, only briefly._

_He felt like he was going to pass out, but the anger coursing through him was just enough to keep him upright._

_“Heh. I’ve never seen you get this worked up over someone calling you names, Light-o.” The shinigami chortles. “You nearly went against your ownprinciples, hahaha...”_

_Light didn’t bother sparing Ryuk a glance, choosing to ignore him altogether. He had to think, he had to clear his head somehow._

_The voice behind the letter continued._

_“The police arrested him in absolute secrecy, so you wouldn't have heard of him on TV or through the internet. It appears not even you have access to information about these types of criminals.”_

_“Heh.” Ryuk laughed once again. “He’s got you there, kid.”_

_“But I assure you,” the voice continued, “L is real. I do exist. Now... try to kill me!”_

_Light felt a deep throbbing behind his eyes, and his anger swiftly returned with a vengeance. He was seeing red, quite literally._

_“You’re a self-righteous bastard!” He snapped at the television, nearly pacing the floor in his frustration. He had to ignore the goading, he had to._

_**He’s a fool. It should’ve been him that died.. listen to the way he’s talking to you...** _

_Light raked his fingers through his hair, ruining its perfect and flawless placement as his frustration spiked. His thoughts had been growing emboldened. More often than not he found himself agreeing with them._

_He couldn’t find it in himself to listen to the television, but what did catch his attention was the fact that L had essentially weeded him out on the first, trial broadcast, deducing that he was in the Kanto region._

_Light fell straight into L’s hands, and he hadn’t even known it until it was too late. He felt like a complete idiot, but he couldn’t help the intense anger he felt when Lind L. Tailor insulted him, masquerading as the detective._

_He should’ve been happy that he ended up killing a real criminal in L’s stead. Never in his life would he have dreamt of causing harm to anyone, let alone someone who’d never harmed him in turn._

_But instead, all he could feel was a dull, raw anger, shaking him to his core. Every last bit of reason had been sucked out of the room._

_L ended the message to Kira with a promise of once again “crossing paths.” Light sat in stony silence, lacing his fingers together atop his lap. Ryuk chose that moment to slink off, probably in search of apples or something equally inconsequential in the grand scheme of things._

_Light wanted nothing more than to see L fall from his self-appointed tower and have him crumble to dust beneath his feet._

—

 _August 2nd 2004 — 1:34 am_  

Light couldn’t believe his terrible luck.

He understood there was necessity in Ryuuzaki’s actions. Everything he did was carefully calculated, thought out a dozen times over before coming to fruition, because when you’re the greatest detective in the world and go by a few hundred aliases, you couldn’t afford to make a mistake.

Light well and truly understood the reasoning behind it, but he just didn’t get why Ryuuzaki even bothered letting him out of his cell if he was just going to be chained to his wrist for the indefinite future.

Ryuuzaki, personally known as L by very few, believed Light to be Kira. He talked himself in circles about the subject. It seemed to fill him with an almost childish excitement, pale spindly fingers twitching to his lips briefly as he theorized.

The evidence stacked against him was indeed unsettling. Light didn’t quite know what to make of it.

He had seen Ray Penber and Naoimi Misora shortly before their subsequent death (the former) and disappearance (the latter.) He didn’t remember speaking to either of them for very long. 

It was true that he had hacked into the police database in order to keep track of Kira’s footsteps. He did remember feeling wholly anxious during those times, but not the cause of it. 

Misa Amane was an enigma in and of herself. She was a headache that Light couldn’t seem to shake off, and yet he felt obligated to humor her and her playhouse fantasies. He didn’t like it,it in any sense of the word, but it wasn’t as if he truly hated Misa so the problem had to reside in his lapse of memory.

At that moment, Light was brought out of his thoughts by a gentle tug at his left wrist. It was gentle, but demanding of his attention. Light’s amber eyes blinked quickly in surprise before he turned his head.

“What?” He asked, not unkindly. His tone was rather sharp though.

L blinked slowly at him by way of response. His cobalt eyes, wide and constantly analyzing, stared owlishly back at Light behind a few stray tufts of ebony hair.

He sat, curled up in his desk chair, knees drawn tightly to his chest. His right hand had the chain connecting their wrists wrapped around his nimble fingers, and he jingled them idly. His bare toes curled against the edge of his seat. 

“Light-kun, I’m in need of something sweet.”

That wasn’t any big surprise. Anyone in the room would agree, had there been anyone else. It was the end of the workday for the rest of the Kira task force,but it seemed that the day was only just starting for L.

“Oh, really?” Light asked, not really interested in the answer. He knew the answer already.

“Yes, really.” L replied, jingling the chain once more for no other reason than to make some noise. “Watari is currently taken with a project, and seeing as Light-kun has been staring at his monitor in silence for the past 10 minutes, I figured now was a good time as any to find something to eat.”

Light felt an indignant wave roll over him, and he blushed in poorly concealed embarrassment.

“I was just thinking about the case, Ryuuzaki.” He said. It wasn’t a lie, exactly. “I feel like there’s a lot I need to catch up on.”

L’s expression didn’t change outwardly, but Light could’ve sworn he saw amusement in those eyes of his. 

“Be that as it may,” L started, dropping to the floor in a crouch before slowly, slowly straightening his limbs into a standing position. “I do not work well without ample amounts of sugar. We can resume our work when we return.” He tugged a bit more forcefully on the chain, but wasn’t enough to pry Light out of his seat.

Light wanted to pinch his nose in frustration but abstained, choosing instead to just go along with what the detective wanted. It wasn’t worth an argument, and talking back would result in just that if he wasn’t careful.

“Okay, okay.” Light grumbled, mostly to himself as he was pulled to his feet by L’s retreating figure. He didn’t even wait for Light to fully stand before unceremoniously dragging him away and that annoyed him to no end.

For a man as spider-like as he was, he possessed the strength of an ox.

“Would you mind slowing down?” Light asked, exasperated as he fought to keep in-step with the detective.

“It’s imperative that we make it to the kitchen as quickly as possible so as not to waste any more time.” L said monotonously, not sparing Light a backwards glance. It seemed that this was serious, in spite of the ridiculous nature of it all.

“So you do admit that we’re wasting time.” Light said, just as the two men made a sharp turn into the kitchen. L pulled Light behind him, like a dog on a leash as he ducked into the fridge in search for something sugary and equally fattening.

“I believe I said as much.” L intoned from within the cavern of the refrigerator, before suddenly reappearing with a large slice of strawberry cake. It was large enough for two, but Light knew the detective had no intention of sharing. “I would rather my work not be interrupted at all, but sometimes it cannot be helped or avoided.”

L sat the cake on the island counter before turning around and ducking into the pantry, dragging out an industrial sized jar of chocolate sauce. Light felt his stomach turn at the sight but remained quiet. L began scooping generous amounts of the stuff onto his dessert, and Light watched in sick fascination as the globs began to adjust to temperature of the kitchen and melt over the plate.

“Light-kun is much quieter than I originally thought him to be.” L said suddenly, not taking his eyes off his dessert as he grabbed a few handfuls of strawberry candy, sprinkling it over his brown and pink mess. “He’s even less talkative than he was when we first met.”

That statement took Light by surprise. Before he had a chance to reply, L swiftly grabbed his plate and a fork, marching out of the kitchen with Light trailing behind him. L hadn’t bothered to clean up his mess. 

“I wonder why that is.” He heard L say, possibly to himself. It rubbed Light the wrong way. 

“I’ve never been social outside of a classroom.” Light said truthfully. “And the novelty of meeting you has worn off. Of course I don’t want to talk as much.”

If the admission was surprising to the detective, he didn’t let it show. They quickly made their way back to their computers, L with a cake locked in his iron grip, and settled back into their research.

As Light delved into the case file, L delved into his slice of cake. It was as much of a distraction as one would assume. Light narrowed his eyes and glared, however it went unnoticed. 

L pierced the slice with the tip of his fork, cutting through cleanly despite the oozing chocolate mess. He lifted it to his mouth, examining it almost inquisitively before wrapping his tongue around the pronged utensil and engulfing it in his mouth. He repeated the action a few times, and the sight made Light feel slightly nauseous.

“Would Light-kun like some?”

The sudden question nearly had Light falling over in his surprise but he reigned it in, face scrunched up in a sour expression. He glared at the proffered cake, ignoring the churning in his gut.

“No, thanks.” 

L merely shrugged and bit into another mouthful, humming contentedly as he ate. His toes curled up and stretched in a pleased fashion, much like a cat would.

“I thought I’d offer, since Light-kun was staring so unabashedly.” L grinned behind the fork in his mouth, licking it clean. “Is it safe to assume he was watching me, instead?”

Light felt heat crawling up his neck at the accusation. It wasn’t wrong and he felt ashamed at being caught, even if he was just watching him in slight disgust. 

“You eat too loudly.” The words came out before he could stop himself. L didn’t seem to be phased by the insult, but one couldn’t be too sure with him.

“Hmm..” L hummed before taking his last bite of cake. “Light-kun isn’t the first to tell me this, however I do find it a bit more hurtful coming from his mouth.”

He didn’t sound affected at all. Still, Light felt a twinge of guilt for being rude. He knew he shouldn’t, really, seeing as L had said and done far worse to Light within the past few months, and as recently as a few days ago when he had Light’s father go after him and Misa with a gun full of blanks.

The guilt remained, in spite of it all.

“Ah, I’m sorry Ryuuzaki-san.” Light apologized, folding and refolding his fingers in his lap. “I didn’t mean it.. I’m just not feeling up to this right now. It’s getting late.” 

L dragged a single, pale finger over the wet, fudgy remains on his plate before licking it off. A bit of drool caught on his lip, and he lapped it up with his tongue. Light cringed, but didn’t make any further comment.

“It is quite alright, Light-kun. I had nearly forgotten that you’re unused to the late working hours that I frequent.” He placed the empty plate on his desk, teetering dangerously close to the edge of it. Light doubted that L could simply forget anything.

L rose to his feet, joints cracking unpleasantly in Light’s ears. He gave Light an expectant look, waiting for the other to rise as well.

“I will also refrain from mentioning the percentage at which I suspect Light-kun to be Kira, for the sake of his peace of mind.”

Light felt his muscles tighten at the backhanded comment.

“Are you saying that because you really think I’m Kira, or because you’re pissed that I’m not willing to work myself to death?” He asked through clenched teeth.

L tilted his head curiously, thumb brushing his lips as he probed the younger man with his eyes. Their inky black depths betrayed nothing of his thoughts. 

“I believe Light-kun is aware of his situation.” He said it gently, surprisingly enough. “I didn’t intend to imply that his being exhausted was the reason behind my suspicions.”

Light felt his temper flare a bit before quickly dying down. Yes, he was aware of his situation. He was a suspect, and as such he needed to be constantly supervised. It didn’t mean he liked it, though, and he especially didn’t like it when L talked about it so callously. 

“I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” Light sighed, shoulders dropping in resignation. “I’m sorry. I know that you have your reasons.”

That did cause a bit of surprise to flit across L’s expression, if only briefly. It was covered before Light had a chance to examine, or even notice it.

“It is my impression that Light-kun is in dire need of rest.” L voiced, pulling Light along with him. The teenager didn’t put up much of a fight, quietly following the detective on the way to their shared bedroom. He was already made aware of their sleeping arrangements, so the sight of the massive, singular king-sized bed didn’t surprise him.

The cuffs were removed briefly so they were able to disrobe with little issue. Light remained in a pair of boxers, not bothering to redress since he never slept in pajamas to begin with. Once the cuffs were back in place, he followed L over to the bed and fell into it face-first with a tired groan.

He felt the bed dip beside him, but he kept his face firmly planted in his pillow. He heard a drawer on the other side of the bed open, and after a few seconds of silence he heard the tapping of keys.

“I will continue to work while Light-kun sleeps.” L said, answering a question that Light hadn’t asked. Light hummed into the pillow, rubbing is face against it before turning his head to look at L through his eyelashes. He was curled up tight, laptop balancing dangerously on his knees. He didn’t seem to pay it any mind. 

“Okay.” Light mumbled before closing his eyes again. He fell asleep to the sounds of L’s steadfast fingers pressing against his keyboard.

—

Light woke up at 6 that same morning to the sound of something splashing gently to his right. His eyebrows scrunched up together in confusion. There shouldn’t be any splashing right now. 

“Mmph.”

Metal clinking against porcelain soon followed the splashing sound. Light let out a muffled, displeased noise before opening his eyes blearily, looking for the source of his disruption. 

“Good morning, Light-kun.” L greeted, cup of tea in hand and a sugar bowl on his night stand. So that was the cause of the splashing. Next to it sat an elegant, silver tray with another, empty tea up settled atop it. “I had Watari fetch us some black tea to help rouse you.”

Light blinked up at him in confusion, still stuck in the threshold between unconsciousness and wakefulness. L quirked a brow at his lack of a response, bringing his teacup to his lips. After a prolonged sip, he set the teacup back into its saucer.

“Light-kun doesn’t seem to be too fond of mornings.” L commented, turning a bit on his heels to face Light more fully. His eyes bore into Light’s soul.

“I think that you, more than anyone else, should know this.” Light grumbled, finally stirring. The blankets that had been pulled up past his shoulders fell around his waist as he sat up. He didn’t remember climbing under them when he fell asleep, but didn’t think much of it. 

He rubbed his tired eyes with the heels of his hands, handcuff jingling slightly as he did so. L’s dark eyes held a glimmer of amusement in them as he took another sip of his tea.

“Yes, but I had yet to see it in person.” L said, reaching beside himself to pour a cup of tea for the other man. He pressed the cup into Light’s waiting hands. “From what I’ve observed, it doesn’t quite match up with how you present yourself to the public.”

Light almost wanted to laugh at that.

“Is it really so weird that I don’t like waking up in the morning?” He asked, lips quirking into a smile. He took a sip of his tea, left pleasantly unsweetened. “I’m a teenager, Ryuuzaki-san. We need all the sleep we can get.”

“I wasn’t aware Light-kun placed himself among the other teenagers of the world.” L said, amusement now clearly written on his features. Light couldn’t stop himself from rolling his eyes.

“Of course I do.” He said, taking a larger sip of his tea. “I may be considered to be of an above-average intelligence but I’m still a person.”

“How humble.” L was definitely smiling now, but Light couldn’t tell if it was because of what he was saying, or if it was because the detective remembered a funny joke from earlier. He didn’t think L was the type to enjoy jokes in the first place.

“Those are other people’s words, not mine.” Light said, and finished the rest of his tea without elaborating. 

After that, the two of them gathered some clean clothes and headed to the bathroom to undergo their morning routines. They showered separately, the cuffs around their wrists left in the bedroom until it was time to redress. 

At approximately 6:45 they headed towards the kitchen in search of food. Watari was already there, putting on the finishing touches for what could only be assumed as L’s breakfast.

Under a mountain of whipped cream, maraschino cherries and chocolate sauce was a large, towering stack of pancakes. But there were rainbow sprinkles already baked into them, and Light was now under the impression that they were just regular cakes disguised as breakfast.

“Good morning, Ryuuzaki.” Watari said, bowing ever so slightly in the direction of both men. His greeting was only directed at his employer, but he remained polite as always even in the face of L’s prime Kira suspect. Light had to respect him for that. “If this will be all?”

L sidled up to his pancakes immediately, pinching Watari’s proffered fork between his fingers before taking an almost comically large bite.

“Yes. Thank you, Watari. You’re dismissed.”

“Very good, sir.”

With that, the two younger men were left alone in the kitchen, the only sound being L’s pleased humming as he ate. He hadn’t bothered to seat himself and remained standing, crouched over his food.

“Does Light-kun not require breakfast?” L suddenly asked between a mouthful of food.

“Please swallow your food before speaking.” Light scolded passively. “I swear you eat just like my sister.”

“Is that supposed to be an insult towards me or Sayu-chan, I wonder?”

“Neither.” Light said, grinning behind his hand. “Its just that both of you tend to disregard table manners in favor of stuffing your faces.”

L shrugged at that. It was the truth. 

“That doesn’t answer my question, Light-kun.”

“Well, then to answer your question: yes. I plan on eating just as soon as you allow me to move around the kitchen.”

“Ah, my apologies. I suppose I was rather excited by the sight of my own breakfast.” L placed his fork down beside the remaining half of his meal. “Is there anything Light-kun had in mind?” 

“Plain toast is fine.” Light answered, circling the island counter on his search for the bread box. It sat innocently next to a stainless steel toaster, and even that normal household appliance looked expensive. He opened the bread box, extracted two slices and slipped them into the toaster. 

After about 30 seconds, the slices of bread returned to the surface, freshly toasted a beautiful golden brown.

“Are you sure that’s all you’d like?”

Light paused his hand on its journey to grab his toast. L had dropped his usual speech pattern. He didn’t sound troubled, really, but the tone surprised him.

“This is what I usually eat.” Light said, placing his food on a small, geometrically shaped plate before returning to the island counter. He sat down at one of the barstools. “It’s easy on the stomach. I’ll eat more when lunch rolls around.”

L stared at him quizzically for a second before lamenting.

“If Light-kun is positive.”

The rest of breakfast was spent in silence.

—

The work day rolled by smoothly, up until a certain point, and then it hit a snag. Light’s father, Soichiro, wanted a moment alone with his son during the lunch hour, but the request was quickly shot down by L.

“It would only be for a few minutes.” Soichiro almost seemed to be pleading. The guilt of the other day’s fiasco was probably eating at him. His eyes, which have seen so much and nearly saw his son die, were begging. He had a parcel in his hand, wrapped in a dainty floral cloth. He held it in a white-knuckled grip.

“I’m sorry, Yagami-san, but I can’t possibly grant your request at this time.” L sounded patient,but who knew how long that would last. “You must keep in mind that your son is a suspect in this case. If you require privacy, I can assure you that I won’t be actively listening to your conversation.”

Soichiro looked as if he badly wanted to retort. Light cut him off before he had a chance.

“It’s alright, dad.” He said placatingly. “Ryuuzaki is right. It wouldn’t make sense to have us go through the trouble of chaining us together only to let me go on the second day.”

L inclined his head but didn’t comment, seemingly pleased with Light’s quick agreement. Soichiro instantly deflated and sighed in defeat. Light almost rolled his eyes— just because he said he agreed, didn’t mean he enjoyed it. Or meant it, for that matter. 

“Yes, yes of course he’s right.” Soichiro mumbled tiredly, tightening his grip on the parcel before finally going lax. He turned his attention back to his son. “Your mother and sister asked that I give you this.”

Light held out his hands in a silent question before the parcel in his father’s hand was pressed gently between them.

“A bento box?” Light asked, tilting his head a bit in confusion. Soichiro nodded in affirmation. “Mom stopped making lunch for me when I was twelve, dad.”

It wasn’t said with a frown. In fact, a small, pleasantly surprised smile found itself gracing the younger Yagami’s lips.

Soichiro smiled back at his son, but it was slightly more reserved.

“Sayu has taken a liking to cooking.” He said. “She wanted you to test out what she made. 

That made Light clam up for a brief moment.

“Hm. Now I’m a bit reluctant.”

That made Soichiro smile, almost genuinely, for the first time in months. L, true to his word, kept his attention focused on the computer in front of him, only occasionally flicking his gaze in their direction.

“I can assure you that she didn’t poison anything, son.” He chuckled, the action taking at least 10 years off his face for the few moments that he smiled. His eyes lingered on Light’s, before darting down and taking in the silver cuff encircling his son’s left wrist. His smile immediately waned. “I should be getting back to my desk, now.”

Light tightened his grip on the bento box briefly before nodding at his father, smile still held firmly in place. His father looked as if he wanted to say more, but was kept unable due to certain company.

“Okay, dad. Be sure to thank Sayu for me when you see her tonight.”

Soichiro nodded, but didn’t say anything else.

After his father’s swift retreat, Light turned his attention back to the lunch that his sister made for him. The packaging, speckled with a cute floral print, obviously belonged to Sayu. He was a bit surprised he hadn’t realized it was from her immediately.

“Light-kun is rather close with his little sister.” L observed, finally inserting himself back into Light’s attention. Light’s smile became a little pinched at the comment.

“Yeah, I’d say that’s a fair assessment.” He replied breezily, setting his lunch on his desk. He carefully untied the parcel, revealing a very pink, very girly bento box in the shape of a teddy bear. Light felt his face flush a bit, and let out an amused laugh. “Ugh. It figures that she’d pull something like this, the brat.”

 “Sayu-chan seems to enjoy teasing you quite a bit.”

Light laughed again, gently this time, nodding in agreement.

“She’s done worse, believe me.” As he said this, he opened the box and stared at the contents.It was all standard fare, including rice, blanched broccoli flowerets, snow peas and a soft, sweet egg omelet.

The only off-putting thing about it was that the salted salmon his sister had prepared was carefully arranged into the shape of a cat, adorned with precious seaweed features.

“Oh hell, Sayu.”

Light could tell that L was enjoying the scene, if his muffled snickering was anything to go by. It didn’t last very long, and the detective quickly returned to his computer, a fresh slice of thick chocolate cake courtesy of Watari sitting by his key board. 

A silver tray, topped with a beautiful blue and gold floral tea set sat between them. Light saw no reason to prolong his hunger and began eating the food Sayu had prepared, and was pleasantly surprised that it hadn’t killed him.

It was actually quite delicious, he begrudgingly admitted. Cooking had never come easy to him.

Next to him, he could hear the sound of liquid being poured into two small cups.

“Would Light-kun like some tea?" 

“Hm?” Light turned his head to the detective, startled by the sudden question. “Oh, yeah, thank you.”

L nodded, and wordlessly handed one of the cups to Light. It had a strange, pink hue to it, and it was rather beautiful to look at. 

“What kind of tea is this?” He asked curiously, raising the cup slightly to take in the warm aroma. 

“Rose tea.” L answered dully, plunking an ungodly amount of sugar into the tea. He stirred it with a pensive frown. “I have to say that I’m not too fond of it myself, but Watari insists upon it due to its health benefits.”

Light grinned at that, raising the cup to his mouth this time and took a sip. It was indeed very floral, with a hint of chamomile. It was pleasant, he had to say.

“I doubt any of those aforementioned health benefits will survive all of that sugar, Ryuuzaki-san.” He said, teasingly, and watched in amusement as the detective tried to make his tea as palatable as possible.

“We should hope so." 

—

As evening rolled around, and after the rest of the task force left for their homes and families, Light found himself still glued to his computer. Not entirely by choice, seeing as L hardly ever took breaks.

It wasn’t so late on the evening that Light found it absolutely necessary to stop, but he didn’t want a repeat of last night, even if it hadn’t ended horribly. 

In the end, it hadn’t been necessary for Light to say anything at all. The moment the clock struck eleven, L got to his feet and offered Light his hand.

“I believe this has been enough, for today.” He said, watching Light with an expectant look in his eyes. Light stared that the pale, thin appendage for a second before taking it and allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. The hands dropped each other instantly, as if they had been burned by the other’s touch.

Light wasn’t able to refrain from yawning, and he wouldn’t have even if he could. He was exhausted, and reasonably so.

“Yeah, okay.” 

They made their way to their shared bedroom, and repeated their nightly routines from the day previous— brushing their teeth being the only addition that evening.

Dead on his feet, Light crawled back into their bed with L at his heel. He was so tired, his eyes were starting to burn and throb.

He settled in rather quickly. He reached out blindly and turned off the lamp on his bedside table. And L, just as he had done the night previous, dragged out his laptop and continued to work as Light fell asleep. 

Maybe Light’s terrible luck was starting to improve.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEA—


	3. Turmoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey dudes !! thanks for reviewing last chapter, y’all were rly sweet 8’3c sorry if u felt pressured by my whining hdhdhs
> 
> a small warning: this chapter deals w the topic of mental health and depression— nothing too extreme is mentioned (ie self harm or suicidal thoughts) so please don’t worry about that this time around. 
> 
> I projected a bit onto Light, I think. I have clinical depression so a lot of what I describe here is just how I personally feel when I’m dealing w shit. everyone is different 
> 
> also, side note: therapy never rly worked for me but I do suggest that if any of you are feeling depressed, or hopeless, please do try to seek out help, whether it be from a professional or from someone you trust. you should never have to deal with your pain alone— and if you ever need anyone to talk to, my inbox is always open. I know I’m just a stranger over the internet, but sometimes talking to someone w out personal biases helps uwu
> 
> anyway !! with all that said, please enjoy~
> 
> xoxo
> 
> jessie
> 
> (also— sorry abt the long authors note lol)

_August_ _7th_ , _2004_ — _6am_

From between the gaps of gossamer curtains, streams of morning light poured over them— brilliant enough to provide warmth but not enough to burn. Light felt the glare bare down on his exposed calf, sticking out awkwardly from beneath his sea of blankets.

He was slowly growing accustomed to the sound of L typing away at his computer and sipping overly-sweetened tea as he woke up. It seemed to increase in volume, however it hadn’t yet reached the level of obnoxiousness that it potentially could have.

L, while being the most competent man Light had ever met, could be extremely annoying when he wanted to be. He was capable of evoking strong, irritable emotions from within Light. Especially in the mornings, which Light already detested above all else.

At the moment, though, he wasn’t feeling much of anything save for a crushing weight in his chest. It was as if something heavy had settled there, sending waves of numbing pain through his limp body. He felt listless. It was a feeling he was familiar with, but for some reason hadn’t experienced in several long months.

He’d thought he’d gotten better. How wrong he was.

“Good morning, Light-kun.” L greeted, monotonous drawl sounding almost cheery in contrast to Light’s dismal thoughts. Light, on his side and facing L, pulled his leg back under the covers and assumed a pseudo-fetal position. He didn’t answer verbally, only made a non-committal sound of acknowledgement.

L didn’t seem perturbed in the slightest, most likely chalking it up to Light’s usual distaste for mornings. He continued typing for a few minutes before shutting his laptop, and tossed it to the foot of their bed.

Light still hadn’t made a move to sit up, and lay prone on his side as he watched L through his eyelashes.

“Tea?” L asked, already in the process of pouring Light a cup. The tea set was speckled with laurels and other small, violet flowers, offset by a few hints of green and yellow. It was lovely, and the earthy aroma of the tea was pleasant and floral.

Light didn’t want any tea that morning. The idea of even attempting to drink it nauseated him.

“No, thanks.” He said dully, and had he been paying attention he would’ve seen the surprise flicker across the detective’s face. He’d never refused, before, even at his grumpiest.

“If you’re sure.” L replied, setting the cup aside. He held onto his own cup before taking a sip, seeming to consider the boy sharing his bed. Then, he said:

“It doesn’t normally take this long for you to adjust to the waking world, Light.”

Light squeezed his eyes closed for a second before sighing, resigned to his fate and slowly sitting up. He kept the blanket wrapped snugly around himself, clutching it as if it were a lifeline.

“I’m awake, Ryuuzaki.” He said. His voice didn’t sound right to his ears. “I just had a weird dream. That’s all.”

It was a lie, and a bad one at that. L tilted his head and held his teacup closer to his mouth, not yet taking another sip.

“Would you like to share?”

L wasn’t normally one to ask that of anyone. Light doubted that he cared enough to, and assumed that L was only asking out of politeness and obligation rather that genuine concern.

“That’s alright.” Light said, averting his eyes to stare at his folded knees. He wrapped the blanket more securely around his shoulders. “I normally don’t have dreams. I wouldn’t know where to start.”

L looked like he wanted to ask further, but refrained. The conversation ended there, and after another minute of silence the two men rose and started to get ready for the day.

Light was slow and methodical in his actions. He wordlessly raised his wrist when it was time to remove, and replace his silver cuff before and after dressing.

The journey to the kitchen was spent in silence, Light falling behind a few steps. The kitchen was empty, L’s breakfast of three large strawberry tarts sitting on the center of the island. Light proceeded to make his own breakfast, and poured himself a cup of black coffee. When he sat at the island, L followed suit and proceeded to gorge himself.

Light was less than enthused, and picked at his toast sullenly. His stomach wouldn’t let him put an end to his nightly fast, past the point of hunger and edging into nausea. He took a sip of coffee, ebbing the discomfort slightly.

L observed him as he ate, but didn’t comment. Something in his eyes was searching for ananswer. An answer to what, Light had to wonder.

The weight on Light’s shoulders was pressing down, hard. He just wanted to go back to sleep. Or crawl back into bed and simply stare at the wall, the ceiling, at anything, really, and wait for the numbness to return to him. It would be a relief.

Light took a bite of his toast, utterly picked apart and looking less than appetizing. He repeated that a few times before leaving the remains untouched, pushing his plate off to the side.

“That hardly seems like an ample breakfast, Light-kun.” L intoned. It was rather ironic, considering the amount of sugar the detective consumed on an hourly basis.

“I don’t feel well.” Light said, speaking honestly. His stomach flipped a bit, attesting to his statement.

“Even so, a few bites of toast does not a breakfast make.” L countered, reaching over with his free hand to pluck a pear from the glass fruit bowl by its stem. “You should at least try some fruit.”

“You should take your own advice.” Light snapped, but acquiesced, snatchingthe pear from the detective’s knobby fingers. He took a bite, skin and all, glaring daggers at the man next to him. The pear, while sweet, helped to settle his stomach a bit but did little else.

“I assure you, I do get my daily dose of fruits and vegetables one way or another.” L said, expression slightly pinched in disgust. Watari made it a point to deliver assortment of vitamins to L several times a day, in addition to his typical buffet of tea and sweets. It made for an amusing sight, most of the time.

Light took another bite of his pear before setting it down, licking over his teeth to catch any remaining juice. He didn’t feel like responding, and gave an indifferent shrug of his shoulders.

He hated feeling this way. The depression warred with his rational thoughts, imbalanced chemicals in his brain making him feel things that didn’t make any sense. His heart felt heavy with a mixture of hopelessness and soul-crushing apathy.

Breakfast continued without much fanfare, and reached its conclusion soon after.

—

Once 8:30 came around, the task force began pooling into the shared office space one by one. Touta Matsuda and Light’s father were the first to arrive, the former heading over to the coffee carafe to pour himself a cup of black, liquidized energy.

Soichiro offered his son an amiable greeting before settling at his desk, starting his work for the day.

Matsuda, ever the cheerful fellow, walked over to where Light and L sat with his coffee held in a vice grip. He had a wide, friendly grin that touched his soft, gray eyes, and he looked as if he had something exciting to share.

“Good morning, Light-kun!” He chirped brightly. He turned his attention and offered a polite “Good morning” to L before returning to Light.

“Hello, Matsuda-san.” Light replied, forcibly mustering a friendly grin. He didn’t dislike the older detective by any stretch, but he did find him to be disarmingly naive. It was difficult trying to wade through his depressive fog while in the company of someone with such unbridled optimism. “How’re you this morning?”

“Oh, I’m fine!” Matsuda chirped pleasantly, rocking back on his heels in a casual fashion. He had a funny, charming grin on his face, which immediately set Light on edge. He had a feeling he knew where this was going. “Have you been able to see Misa-Misa at all since your release?”

The way he asked this was on par with the way someone would ask about the weather. Not to mention the fact that he disregarded the chain linking Light to L, physical proof that Light had not actually been released at all.

Light felt a headache coming on.

“No. I’ve been busy.” He said in a dismissive tone. It wasn’t intentional, not really, but he wasn’t interested in the direction this conversation was taking. Matsuda wilted a bit, looking more upset than he ought to be considering the topic wasn’t even about himself. 

“But, she’s your girlfriend, isn’t she?” Matsuda pressed, eyes widening in confusion. “And she’s so beautiful! Why wouldn’t you want to see her?”

Light had to physically suppress a put-upon sigh. He didn’t want to have this talk, especially not with Misa’s biggest fanboy.

“Seeing her isn’t my top priority right now.” Light said, the limited emotion he had in his voice just a moment ago nowhere to be heard. He turned his head away after that, continuing the work that Matsuda had interrupted. L shifted in his seat beside him, choosing to finally insert himself into the conversation.

“I believe there is something a bit more important that you should be focusing on right now, Matsuda-san.” L said, giving the older man a knowing look behind his usually expressionless eyes. Matsuda blanched at the thinly veiled warning-turned-suggestion and hastily made his retreat after offering them both a quick apology.

Light let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding and continued to work in silence. A few minutes passed that way before L spoke up.

“Is Light-kun certain that he doesn’t wish to see Amane-san at this time?”

Light tensed up immediately. So much for the subject coming to a close.

“I’m certain.” Light replied once his muscles had begun to relax. He threw L a quick glance, taking in the detective’s slightly awkward appearance, before averting his eyes. “It isn’t necessary.”

He left it at that. It was true that he didn’t think it was necessary to see Misa at this time, or any other time. He knew that they were supposedly in some type of relationship, but he didn’t remember why or how it came to be. She was a beautiful girl, some would even argue adorable or sexy depending on the context, but Light felt no romantic inclinations towards her.

Light could appreciate her beauty for what it was, but outside of appreciation there was nothing else. It left him with little clue of how to proceed, and he was unused to not knowing what his future held.

Light could feel L’s inquisitive eyes drilling holes into the side of his head. The discomfort in his chest swelled a little, causing his perfect posture to droop. His lungs had to work that much harder to expand.

After a few minutes, the heat of L’s eyes left Light’s face, and the detective resumed his work whilst grabbing a fist full of jelly beans. He was able to block out the other’s loud chewing once he let his attention stay on-task.

He had a few open task bars, all of which circulated around the Kira murders— the most recent one occurring on July 30th. There hadn’t been another one since, and things had seemed to settle down much to the task force’s displeasure.

They wanted the bastard caught, and they were still unable to determine direct link between the victims.

It was starting to feel hopeless. Light’s shoulders slumped forward dejectedly as his eyes swam across the screen. Everything bled together into a mess of theories and missing information.

As it stood, solving a jigsaw puzzle made up of a blank white canvas would’ve been easier than solving this case.

At noon, it was time for their lunch hour. The break was a welcome excuse for many to step away from their computers and stretch their legs and aching backs.

Watari arrived at promptly 12:15 with tray of freshly baked pastries, each smattered with a variety of sugary, cavity-inducing toppings.

L, still facing his computer screen, reached with his free hand and plucked up a strawberry cupcake and began the process of licking away the frosting like an ice cream cone.

Light felt a twisting in his gut, unsure whether or not it was due to genuine sickness or hunger. He kept his eyes glued to the screen, ignoring the jingling of the chain as L ate his dessert.

“Is Light-kun still feeling unwell?” L asked, spinning his chair slightly to face the younger man. He held his partially eaten cupcake up to his lips, his other hand picking at the fraying cuff of his jeans.

“I’m fine.” Light deflected, keeping his eyes trained on his computer screen. They saw everything but read nothing— and it wasn’t anything he didn’t already know.

L hummed thoughtfully as he popped the rest of his cupcake into his mouth, rolling the foil between his fingers before grabbing a second. A chocolate cake topped with rich fudge frosting, and candied almonds dusted the top like a golden, sandy shore. He held it delicately between his fingers, inspecting it appreciatively.

“Then why don’t you eat something?” L asked suddenly, meeting the teenager’s gaze. Light’s stomach nearly betrayed him with an unseemly growl but it changed course and proceeded to churn at the mere suggestion of food. L held out the cupcake in offering, leaning forward against his bent knees expectantly.

“I’m not very hungry right now, Ryuuzaki.” Light said, adopting a pained expression as he was forced to stare at the gooey chocolate confection in the detective’s outstretched hand. L retracted the offered dessert and licked up a few of the almonds into his mouth, chewing them carefully.

“I can have Watari bring something else to your liking, if sugar is the issue.” L said, and punctuated that statement by pulling out his phone and flipping it open. Cupcake set aside for the time being, he left his finger hovering over the speed dial and waited for Light to respond.

Light sighed, defeated by the other’s pestering, and slumped a little in his seat.

“Okay, fine.” He said, resting his chin on his open palm. He let his tired gaze rest on the detective, mouth pulled into a slight frown. “I don’t have any preferences, as long as it isn’t too heavy or soaked in chocolate.”

L nodded in affirmation and proceeded to contact Watari, asking that he bring Light something to eat within those guidelines. It left a lot of wiggle room.

A few minutes later, Watari appeared with a plate of fruit slices and unsalted crackers, along with a tall glass of water.

“Ryuuzaki has informed me of your situation.” He said, setting the plate of food into Light’s waiting hands, the glass of water next to his keyboard. “This should help stave off some of your discomfort.”

“Thank you.” Light said quietly, and he meant it. Watari nodded wordlessly and looked to L forfurther instruction.

“You’re dismissed, thank you Watari.” L waved off the older man, already setting his sights on a particularly delicious looking caramel torte after finishing his second cupcake. Watari bowed and swiftly took his leave in the direction of the monitoring room, where he was to remain until he was eventually summoned once more.

Light began picking at the plate of fruit on his desk in disinterest. He had thought he recognized the hunger pains, but his appetite left along with Watari. He plucked up a grape between his fingers and popped it into his mouth, chewing slowly before swallowing. It felt disgusting going down, and he pulled a face.

Light’s father remained at his desk, but he cast his son a worried glance when he noticed how little he was eating. He likely wanted to say something, but thought better of it when his eyes trained on L’s hunched form.

The rest of the workday was spent in relative quiet.

—

At the end of they day, once the last of the task force had left the office, L decided that it was time they had a conversation.

“I find that I’m surprised.” He said, breaking through the silence with his soft monotone. “Light-kun has been especially withdrawn today, even more so than what is normal for him.”

“What are you talking about?” Light asked, turning towards L with what was supposed to be a confused expression. It ended up as something more akin to a grimace, the look almost entirely foreign on his sharp features. “I’m just tired, Ryuuzaki.”

“I’m sure that is part of it, yes.” L agreed. “But I don’t believe that is the only thing affecting you right now.” 

Light stiffened, bristling at the observation.

“Oh, really?” He asked, hands clenching irritably in his lap. “Care to enlighten me on your theories?”

“That would be of no use.” L said, bringing his thumb to rest against his lip before carefully nibbling on the abused nail bed. “You are already aware of how you are feeling.”

Light glared at him darkly, amber eyes beginning to narrow into slits.

“Yeah, I am.” He said, just a tad too evenly to be considered natural calm. “And I’m telling you that I’m fine.”

“‘Fine’ can mean anything.” L spoke around his thumb, words slightly garbled by the appendage in his mouth. “It’s relative and has a several definitions. I have to wonder, to which one is Light-kun referring?”

“The one that means I’m feeling overtly healthy.” Light groused, eyebrows scrunching into a decidedly annoyed countenance. “Why do you care, anyway?”

“Why would I not?” L asked, removing his thumb from his mouth. He settled his hands onto his propped knees, squeezing and rubbing circles into the denim. “I believe I’ve told you on more than one occasion that, although I have reason to believe that you are Kira, I also view you as my closest friend.”

Any other day that would’ve gotten an indignant response out of Light. He’d also be lying if he said that it didn’t spark some anger deep, deep down. But the foremost emotion he could identify was a deep, numbing sadness.

It started in his heart, thudding heavily in his chest, each beat pumping him full of the sickly black feeling. It spread through his body like a poison, buzzing through in his fingers and toes and behind his burning eyes.

He shuddered a breath, lungs quivering in the confines of his body. Without any preemptive warning, a drop of hot liquid spilled from his eye.

L immediately noticed and froze in his seat, arched back curling up that much more as he watched the younger boy’s eyes fill with tears.

“..Light?”

The teenager let out a strangled whimper, unable to keep it locked up, and quickly wiped at the tears that started streaming down his face without his permission. He hadn’t cried in nearly a year, not since his last bout of depression that he had been so lucky to be able to hide from his family. No one was allowed to see him cry.

“Stop looking at me!” He cried pathetically, embarrassed at his sudden lack of emotional control. He desperately covered his face with his hands, shrinking in on himself. “Oh my god, this is so fucking stupid!”

“Light, what’s wrong?” L asked, eyes impossibly wide as they searched Light’s for an answer. He had likely never heard Light curse before now.

“I don’t know!” Light said through a painfully clenched jaw, trying his damnedest to get his breathing back under control. “I don’t know why this always happens to me, okay?! I woke up feeling like shit, it was only a matter of time!”

He dried his face on his shirtsleeve, breathing heavily through his mouth once his sinuses began to close up. His eyes were throbbing and they felt much too heavy in their sockets.

“This has happened before?” L asked, seeming to be genuinely taken aback by this turn of events. He looked shaken by Light’s outburst, and by the fact that Light still hadn’t finished crying.

“I don’t want to talk about it!” Light snapped, setting his angry red eyes on L. Just as soon as the tears started, they stopped, leaving Light feeling disheveled and humiliated. He quickly logged out of his computer and stood, keeping his head bowed and eyes out of sight.

“I want to go to bed.” 

L nodded mutely, rising to his feet before being dragged out of the office, into the elevator and eventually into their bedroom by the chain around his wrist. Light was merciless, looping the chain taught in his hand the entire way.

L released the handcuffs without a word, and Light quickly disrobed before offering his wrist once more, holding it aloft while L changed into more comfortable clothing. The cuffs were quickly secured, and they headed over to the bathroom to brush their teeth before climbing into bed.

Light lay curled on his side, facing away from L. He brought the covers over his head, hiding from the other man despite being physically linked together.

When he remained silent, he heard L sigh before feeling the bed dip beside him. A warm, thin weight stretched over his side, clicking off the lamp on his bedside table and pitching half of the room in darkness.

Light heard another click from the other side of the bed, and the room was finally, blessedly dark. L didn’t move again, remaining crouched against the headboard next to Light. The younger boy could faintly hear the sound of L’s toes massaging into the duvet, nails scratching against the soft material.

Minutes, maybe even hours passed in the dark confines of their room before L finally spoke up.

“Light-kun...” He tried, setting an tentative hand against Light’s shoulder. It was warm, with a hidden strength beneath the surface. Light didn’t react. “Light-kun.”

“What do you want.”

“I would very much like to talk about what just happened.”

Light let out a deep, exhausted sigh and shrugged off L’s hand. He rolled over so he could face L properly. He kept the blanket snug around his shoulders and tucked under his chin, blinking rapidly as his eyes tried to adjust to the darkness.

“What about it.” Light said, tone listless and bleak. “It was a moment of weakness. I don’t know what happened. I’m fine now.”

“No it wasn’t, yes you do and no you’re not.” L countered the list in quick succession. He adjusted his position so that he was facing Light fully, leaning into the balls of his feet. “You said that you woke up in a poor state.”

“Yeah.” 

“You also said that you were aware of your breaking down being an inevitability based on that fact.”

“Yes.” Light said again, frowning now. “What’s your point.”

“My point, Light, is that you admitted to being in emotional distress and then vehemently denied it after the fact.”

“Ryuuzaki...” Light growled in warning, body coiled tight beneath his heavy blanket. “I told you that I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

“Do you plan on talking about it should this come to pass again in the future?” L pressed, fingers digging into his calves as he leaned even closer to Light. “You said it’s happened before. What if it happens again?”

“If I wanted to tell you, then I would’ve already!” Light nearly shouted. “Please just leave me alone, Ryuuzaki, I don’t feel comfortable sharing anything right now.”

L seemed to take that into consideration before deflating.

“If that is what Light-kun wants.”

Light rolled over to face the other direction, keeping his back to L. He hugged his knees to his chest, toes curling painfully as he fought off another surge of melancholy.

“Thanks.”

“Good night, Light-kun.”

“Goodnight.”

The room fell silent a final time that evening. Light eventually fell into a fitful, dreamless sleep. And, unbeknownst to him, L observed it all.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [coughs blood into the palm of my hand] oh god... [shudders a breath] p-please... review.. this is my final wish...
> 
> also, feel free to follow me on tumblr !! my main blog is @spongeson, which consists of mainly aesthetic posts and my side blog is @spongesin, which is where I post Dank memes


	4. The Trouble With Girls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys !! happy easter to those who celebrate it !! I went to anime boston with my sister and our friend over the weekend and it was a lot of fun— the first con I’ve been to in about 5 years. I actually saw someone cosplaying as the LITERAL death note and it was hysterical
> 
> regarding the chapter, blease don’t be mean to Misa she’s my beautiful wife with whom I love dearly and would throw hands for if need be. 
> 
> fun and stressful things are ahead 8’) but it ends on a pretty good note, I think uwu
> 
> thank you for reading !!! much love to you all 8’3c
> 
> \- jessie <3

_Friday August 13th 2004– 2:25pm_

A week had passed, and the subject of Light’s emotionally compromised state wasn’t broached again. He had woken up the next day in considerably higher spirits while still maintaining his usual morning grumpiness, and went about business as normally would. He brushed any inquiries made over his well-being to the side, pretending that nothing was amiss and that all was well.

Light knew that L would most likely try to confront him about it again in the future, but he was willing to try and avoid it for the rest of his life. He’d never told anyone about his depression, not even his own family.

The topic of mental health was a sensitive one. It was especially sensitive in Japan, where there was a considerably large stigma surrounding those afflicted with mental ailments. Therapists were in short supply and while no one would outwardly scorn Light for seeking help, they would still undoubtedly stew in their judgement. It just wasn’t talked about, so he never attempted to try.

It wasn’t as if L was asking because he actually cared for Light. The detective was only trying to manipulate him by claiming to be his friend— it was a textbook interrogation tactic. L’s goal, from the beginning, was to gain Light’s trust and slowly break down his defenses until he eventually admitted to being Kira.

And since Light wasn’t Kira, going along with the charade seemed pointless.

It was a bit like playing house. Sometimes Light was convinced, hopeful even, but then L would twist his words against him just so he could be cast in an even more suspicious light. It stressed him out, and it certainly didn’t make him want to share any of his innermost secrets with the person he was chained to 24/7.

Their relationship, if one could even call it that, didn’t have a solid foundation and therefore had nowhere to go—

_SLAM_

Light was suddenly yanked from this thoughts as the large wooden door to the investigation room was flung open. It smacked loudly against the wall behind it, metal doorknob chipping away some of its white paint.

In the threshold stood Misa Amane, bouncing lightly on her feet, eyes bright and shimmering with delight. A blinding smile lit up her face and her hands, adorned in fine lace, raised to her mouth in an attempt to hide it.

“Light-kun~!” She cried happily from the doorway, her bell-like cadence ringing excitedly throughout the room. She had just returned from a photo shoot, if her sleek red camisole dress and elaborately studded jewelry was anything to go by.

Matsuda grinned cheekily at her side as he followed her into the room. He looked rather pleased with himself— not smug, never smug, but extraordinarily giddy. His eyes darted between Misa and Light excitedly as if to say ‘See, I’ve brought you two love birds back together again; no need to thank me~’

Misa, the bubbly sprite-like girl that she was, bounded over to her beloved without an ounce of hesitation. Her chunky platform heels thumped against the black carpeting, each stride long and quickening in pace until she was at a sprint.

Light didn’t stand a chance against her momentum and simply had to brace himself for the oncoming assault of hugs and kisses as she climbed into his lap.

“Oh Light-kun, Misa-Misa has missed you so much~!” She trilled, pressing her soft cheek against the crown of Light’s head in a gentle caress “Misa-Misa hasn’t seen her Light-kun since moving here, and she’s been so lonely without him~!”

Light flushed a little under her affections and quickly extracted himself from Misa’s loving clutches. He had to physically stop himself from wiping away the kisses she left on his cheek— he wanted to be nice to her, but she made it so difficult with her forwardness.

“Hello, Misa.” Light said patiently, nudging her a bit so she would climb out of his lap. Misa surprisingly got the message and stood up, but remained latched to his side like a particularly affectionate squid. “I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry that I haven’t been up to see you. We’re all working very hard on this case.”

L adjusted his weight in his seat, taking that moment to remind the happy couple of his presence.

“Hello, Amane-san.” He greeted, directing the attention towards himself. Misa snapped her head around to face him, chocolate brown eyes narrowing in ire as she took in the sliver chain connecting the detective to her boyfriend. “I take it that, aside from the list of grievances you so generously provided, you are doing well?”

It was posed as a question, but the jab didn’t go unnoticed by the model. Misa’s perfectly manicured nails dug into the back of Light’s chair, leaving crescent-shaped indents carved into the soft material.

“No, I’m not doing well!” She hissed, bubbly demeanor all but forgotten. “I’ve been locked up in an apartment all by myself for weeks without my Light-kun to visit me!”

“Misa, don’t-“ Light started in a warning tone, before being cut off mid-sentence by the frazzled girl.

“And why do you still have Light-kun in handcuffs?” Misa pressed, leaning forward against the back of Light’s chair, peering over his shoulder to glare daggers at the detective. L looked less than impressed with her tone, but remained silent as she took a breath to continue. “I thought Light-kun’s innocence was proven already!”

L shifted in his chair again, heels digging into the cushion. He took a sip from his tea cup, which he then sat delicately atop one of his knees.

“While Amane-san is correct in saying that Light-kun’s innocence hasn’t been disproven, I still have yet to see a reason I should lower my own suspicions.” He drawled, in much the same way one would speak to a young child. It lacked the same patience, however, sounding much more put-upon. “I believe you’ve been made aware of the situation more than once, seeing as you’re also a suspect.”

If Misa looked angry before, now she looked positively livid. Snakes could’ve started physically manifesting beneath their feet and Light wouldn’t bat an eye.

“But it isn’t fair!” Misa cried, the increasing volume of her voice beginning to draw unwanted attention to their conversation. “We didn’t do anything! Light-kun doesn’t deserve to be chained up to a masochistic pervert like you, he’s too pure!”

That set Light’s face and neck ablaze with embarrassment and indignation. The room fell silent for a brief moment, the tapping of keys pausing a beat before hesitantly resuming. Light could feel his father’s eyes boring into the back of his head. The humiliation of it all made him sick.

“Misa!” He snapped, shrugging her off and scooting his chair forward. “Don’t you think you’re taking it a bit too far with the unnecessary insults?”

Light was already used to the detective’s constant digs at his character, but he didn’t think he’d ever get used to the blonde girl standing behind him. She was too unpredictable and didn’t seem to understand the meaning of grace and tact.

She quickly turned her attention back to Light, anger dissipating the moment she was scolded. Her eyes quickly became teary, red painted lips quivering under the heated stare of her love.

“I-I’m sorry.” She whimpered, shrinking in on herself like a wounded animal. Her voice was watery. “I’m sorry, Light-kun, I just miss you. I didn’t mean to make you angry.”

Light sighed, rubbing his temples.

“You need to apologize to Ryuuzaki, too.” He said, gesturing to L with a nod of his head. “He’s only doing his job, you didn’t have to resort to name-calling.”

Misa’s eyes widened fractionally, and she opened her mouth to retort before she was cut off.

“That won’t be necessary.” L said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. “It’s only natural that Amane-san is experiencing adverse affects to being separated from her Light-kun.”

Light narrowed his eyes at L’s choice of words, corners of his mouth pulling into a deepest frown.

“Is that so?” He asked coldly, swiveling his chair around to face the other man.

“Yes.” L replied, moving his teacup to his desk and lacing his fingers over his bent knees. “I also believe that, in order to give Amane-san some semblance of peace, an arrangement should be in order.”

Light shot up in his seat, spine rigid.

“What type of arrangement.”

L cast him a look that, to an outsider, might’ve appeared to be appraisal or even thoughtful. To Light, however, his expression looked positively devious. The sly quirk of his pale lips set Light’s teeth on edge.

“Why, a date for the two of you of course.” L said, cobalt eyes shining with mirth. “What else?”

Misa was immediately placated, chirping gleefully as bent over to press a kiss to the side of Light’s face. She hugged him around his neck, thanking L all the while.

“Oh, thank you Ryuuzaki-san!” She tittered, all smiles in the wake of her excitement. Light stared at L dumbly, unable to shake the girl from around his neck. Misa held tighter, laying another kiss in Light’s hair. “When can we have the date?”

“As soon as tomorrow evening.” L said, never taking his eyes off of Light’s. “He won’t have any other obligations, I assure you.”

If Light were the type to resort to violence, he would’ve launched L into the fucking sun with his fist that very second. Just who the hell did he think he was?

Misa giggled sweetly before showering L with her thanks. She had a pleasant flush to her cheeks and she looked absolutely radiant, brown eyes shining iridescently in her joy. Light was left unaffected by it, as he didn’t share her sentiments.

Overjoyed by the sudden turn of events, Misa bid them both a fond farewell and left in an elegant sweep. Matsuda walked her to the door like a loyal puppy, waving enthusiastically as Watari collected and escorted her back to her apartment.

Once normalcy was put back into place, Light felt his tightened muscles finally begin to relax. He hadn’t realized how tense he was until Misa left, taking her impossibly high-energy with her.

L was still fixing Light with a peculiar, albeit amused stare.

Light was going to have words with him.

—

10:45pm

Light didn’t speak to L again until they were both in the relative privacy of their apartment. The rest of the work day had progressed rather awkwardly in the aftermath of Misa’s grand exit, and Light could tell that even the detective was a little unnerved by his stony silence.

It was different from the withdrawn, almost broken quiet that Light had been when he was depressed. This was a bitter quiet, a seething and angry quiet, one that was carefully calculating and waiting for the perfect moment to let itself be known.

Light had practically dragged L out of the investigation room when stewing in frustration proved to be of little help to his emotional state.

It was a long and uncomfortable walk to their apartment. The elevator ride up was even more so, and Light made it a point to keep his eyes firmly off of the detective. He waited as L unlocked their front door, brown loafers practically wearing a hole in the floor as he tapped his foot impatiently.

They walked inside, L taking the lead. The moment the doors sealed shut, effectively locking them both inside, Light rounded on him. His amber eyes were ablaze with— not fury, but something dangerously close.

“What the fuck was that about?!” Light demanded hotly, flailing his arms about in frustration and not knowing what else to do with them. “Why did you tell Misa that I’d go on a date with her tomorrow?”

L blinked owlishly back at him, seeming to mull over his question.

“Is that not what Light-kun wanted?” He asked innocently, dark eyes betraying his amusement and lack of remorse. Their inky depths swirled with knowledge, serving to irritate Light further. “He himself even admitted to missing Amane-san’s company.”

Light ground his teeth together, jaw cracking painfully with the effort to keep himself from saying something nasty, something he wouldn’t mean and instantly regret. His mouth felt sore under the abuse, but he kept it up.

“I know what I said.” Light bit out, hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. “That doesn’t give you the right to start setting up dates for me. It isn’t your responsibility.”

“Ah, but the integrity of the case is my responsibility, Light-kun.” L countered smoothly, seemingly unaffected by the teenager’s rising temper. “Today wasn’t the only instance of Amane-san’s insistence that she saw you. I believed it pertinent that we gave into her whims for the sake of progress.”

“What the hell does this have to do with the case?!” Light asked incredulously, advancing on the detective a step before backtracking. He took a deep breath, trying to quell the fire in his chest. He continued, tone considerably more subdued.

“Look. I realize that I’m under your watch, and therefore I don’t get a lot of say in regards to my own wants and needs. But this is MY life.” Light didn’t care that he sounded like a petulant teenager rebelling against his parents in a fit of rage. He wanted to drive his point home, and if he had to resort to childish cliches and big flowery speeches, then so be it.

“You can’t interfere with stuff of this nature, Ryuuzaki. A line has to be drawn somewhere.”

L looked a bit unsure now, halting in his defense as the younger man’s words sunk in. His wide, imploring eyes became a bit wider before they quickly darted to his feet and looking at anything but the young man before him.

“...My apologies.” L said slowly, and he looked as if he really meant it. At least to a small degree. He at least had the decency to appear cowed. “I hadn’t realized I was overstepping any boundaries.”

Light deflated at that, having already given his argument and seeing no point in taking it further. He was too tired.

“It doesn’t matter.” He muttered. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I just want to go to sleep.”

He held his wrist out and waited for L to remove their handcuffs. He undressed quickly, back turned to the other and waited again for the cuffs to be re-fastened with a final click.

They readied themselves for bed without a word. Light crawled under the covers, extinguished his lamp and curled up on his side, back still turned to the detective.

“I’ll be accompanying you to Amane-san’s apartment tomorrow evening, if that’s any consolation.” L said through the darkness. Light didn’t acknowledge him.

L tried again.

“...I’m sorry, Light-kun.”

“Goodnight, Ryuuzaki.” Light snapped, effectively ending the discussion.

The rest of the night was spent in silence, and the detective left his laptop untouched.

—

_Saturday August 14th, 2004_

The next day was uncomfortably stiff. The silence from the day before persisted, and it was deafening. Light didn’t speak to L at all unless it was to request food or use of the restroom. Otherwise, he pretended that the detective didn’t exist. It was becoming a frequent tactic of evasion on Light’s part, but it served its purpose and sated his need to be childish.

He wasn’t looking forward to that evening. The prospect of being in an enclosed space with Misa for any amount of time was an unpleasant one, even if L was chaperoning.

Light was aware that he was technically dating Misa, but he honestly didn’t know her very well aside from her name, occupation and her preference of the color black above all else. She was a beautiful, sweet girl, but he didn’t want to date her. And he didn’t know how to get out of it.

Light and L arrived outside of Misa’s apartment at promptly 6 on the dot. Misa must have sensed their arrival because she swung the door open before Light had the chance to knock. Her elated expression was immediately dampened upon realizing that Light wasn’t alone.

“What are you doing here?” She asked L, perfectly groomed eyebrows scrunching together as she glared at the older man. “This was supposed to be a date between Misa-Misa and her Light-kun! You aren’t invited!”

“Quite the contrary, Amane-san.” L said from the doorway. “You already seemed to have forgotten that you aren’t permitted to be alone with Light-kun during your stay here.”

Misa’s eyes were ablaze with fury at the injustice of it all.

“That isn’t fair!” She huffed. “I haven’t been able to see him in forever, and now you’re turning our date into a threesome!”

L tilted his head in consideration. Light watched the confrontation unfold, almost feeling like he was the third wheel despite the evening’s intentions.

“You also seem to have forgotten that it was I who granted you permission to see him in the first place.” L said coolly. “Are you going to allow us inside, or are you going to continue delaying the inevitable?”

Misa sent Light a pleading look, chocolate eyes swimming with emotion, begging him to take her side. Light shrugged helplessly. She sighed with a pout and stepped to the side, leaving room for both boys to enter her apartment.

It was cast in a lovely, rich shade of red. The walls were draped with soft velvet and intricate paintings depicting everlasting romance lined them. Bouquets of red roses, stargazer lilies, and pink orchids sat in beautiful ornate vases throughout the walkway, framing the hall like a hidden woodland trail.

The apartment had an overtly sweet fragrance, inviting and floral and heavy with perfume. The lights were dimmed, and a small collection of unlit candles sat on a nearby coffee table.

They were red, and the labels were written in French.

Misa led the way into the sitting room, settling daintily into a cream, faux-leather loveseat. The carpet under her stocking-clad feet was the same pale color, and was just as fluffy and soft as a baby lamb’s coat.

More flowers sat at her right atop a wooden side-table, adding pungency to the already suffocatingly sweet room. She gave the tiny space to her left a quick pat, waiting for Light to sit beside her.

Light hesitated, taking note of how little room there was, and the obvious lack of another seat available. Misa giggled alluringly. Figuring he was just being shy, she gave the seat another pat before Light finally gave in and sat down. L remained standing next to the arm of the chair, hands stuffed into his pockets with a bored expression on his face.

“What about Ryuuzaki?” Light asked, leaning his weight away from the girl to his right. Misa pouted cutely and crossed her arms, looking down at her lap. “Is he expected to stand the entire time?”

“He can sit on the floor, I don’t care.” Misa mumbled, caramel voice dripping with poison. It made for an odd sight, since the normally cheerful girl lacked her typical exuberance. 

“I don’t mind standing.” L drawled, glancing up at the ceiling with a roll of his eyes. “Please, don’t mind me. Just act as if I’m merely a shadow.”

With that matter settled, Misa adopted a happy little grin and snuggled into Light’s side, fluttering her eyelashes tantalizingly.

Misa babbled on about anything and everything, most of her words falling on deaf ears. She talked about upcoming auditions that she had set up, thanks to Matsuda standing in as her manager.

She talked about her hopes, her dreams for her and Light’s shared future. She held Light’s arm at the elbow, squeezing it to her chest in a one-sided hug. It was all very unfortunate, and it was starting to wear at Light’s patience.

“Misa..” He said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. Misa was still talking about another photo shoot she had coming up— a popular fashion magazine had contacted her through Matsuda earlier that week and they wanted her on the cover. After her prolonged absence from the public eye, her presence was in high demand and highly sought after.

Light was really starting to grow uncomfortable. Misa didn’t let him get a word in edgewise, her girlish cadence ringing like chimes in her excitement.

“Misa.” He said again, a bit more firmly, distress clearly written in his voice. She finally stopped talking and blinked up at him, confused.

“What is it, Light-kun?” She asked, tilting her head like a confused puppy. Even L let his attention fall from the ceiling and onto the younger man. Light’s insides started to squirm. He gently retracted his arm from Misa’s hold, putting some distance between them.

He didn’t have a lot of experience with situations such as this, but he had enough to know that it wasn’t going to be pleasant. Light decided to just bite the bullet and get it over with.

“I don’t think this is working out.”

Misa stared at him for a second, uncomprehending. Her brown eyes, usually filled with an almost child-like sense of wonder, became glassy and wet under Light’s gaze.

“...W-what do you mean?” She asked, lithe form quivering slightly. Her eyes flitted over his face, searching. “Did I do something wrong?”

Light wanted to groan. He hated making women upset, which was the reason he very seldom dated. It was too much trouble and made him feel like shit afterwards.

“No, Misa, the problem lies with me.” He said, trying to spare her feelings by only telling half-truths. “I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I think it’d be in both of our best interests if we broke it off.”

L was watching fully now, with rapt attention. Misa let out a strangled whimper, covering her mouth with her delicate, trembling hands.

“I’ve made Light-kun angry.” She whispered, voice thick with emotion. “I-I’m sorry, Light, I promise that I won’t do whatever it is I’ve done ever again! Please!”

She reached out for him blindly, her eyes brimming with fat, broken-hearted tears. Light moved away from Misa’s advances and stood over her awkwardly as she sat crying in her chair. He rested his palm against the crown of her head, trying his best to comfort.

“Misa, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just not the right person for you, and you aren’t the right person for me.” She began to cry harder, folding in on herself in her grief. “You deserve someone who can love and appreciate you as much as you do them. It wouldn’t be fair to you if we stayed together.”

“B-but I love you!” She sobbed, grabbing Light’s hand from her hand and settling it over her heart. “I’ve never loved anybody this much, not even my own family!”

“This is infatuation.” Light said, voice low and soothing as he once again removed his hand from her grasp. “I promise you that I’m not angry with you, Misa. You’re a beautiful girl with a bright future, and you deserve far more than what I could ever hope to provide.”

Misa sniffled miserably, burying her tear-streaked face into her hands. Light sighed softly and kneeled a bit.

“I do still care about you, Misa.” His words were carefully chosen with the intention of placating her, but what he said wasn’t a lie. “I know this is cliche, but I do hope that we can remain acquainted once this is over.”

With that, he leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss to her hair as his final parting gesture. When she didn’t look up Light decided it would be best to give her some space. He stood to his full height and turned on his heel, facing L.

“Let’s go.”

L opened his mouth to speak, but seemed to think better of it and snapped it shut with a muted click. He nodded, and then the two of them took their leave with Misa crying quietly at their retreating backs.

The journey back from Misa’s apartment was uneventful. Light kept his eyes trained ahead, not diverting their gaze until he and L were finally within the confines of their bedroom. The door sealed itself as it was locked.

L was giving Light a strange look.

“Was this the reason you were so hesitant to see her?” L asked, dropping all pretenses and speaking with Light in a straightforward manner. Light looked at his feet, finding the laces of his brown loafers to be extremely fascinating. “You wished to break up with her.”

“Yeah.” Light said, darting his eyes across the floor. “I should’ve ended it sooner, before all of this even happened.” He was mostly referring to their incarceration and subsequent house-arrest, but the disastrous date also applied.

“I don’t know why I ever agreed to date her in the first place.”

L looked as if he could give a reason, maybe even several that had more to do with the Kira investigation than the boy in front of him, but he kept them to himself. It was a smart move, because Light wouldn’t have taken kindly to the implications.

“You’re still young, Light-kun.” L said instead, choosing to be kind. “It’s to be expected that you’d make a couple of mistakes in your love life.”

“I’ve made more than just a couple mistakes in that regard, but I appreciate the sentiment.” Light sighed, finally letting his eyes meet the detective’s. L was still giving him an odd look, thumb raised to his lips in contemplation.

“Be that as it may,” L said, surprisingly gentle. “It won’t do to punish yourself over it. You had every right to break it off if you were truly unhappy being with her.”

Light shrugged, allowing his gaze to travel back to the floor. He found it odd that L was making any effort to comfort him, but he didn’t really mind it.

“I guess you’re right.” Light lamented with a sharp huff. “But now she’ll probably keep trying to mend things and interfere with the case. You said so yourself.”

“Did I?” L asked, tone a little airy.

“Not in so many words, no. But the implications were made yesterday and now it’s all I can think about.”

“Hm.” L said, rubbing his lip with the pad of this thumb. “Don’t worry about it, Light-kun, I’m sure it won’t come to that.”

It was a rather cryptic statement, but they left it at that.

—

_Midnight_

Light’s chest rose and fell gently at a deep, even pace, but he wasn’t yet asleep. L was steadfastly working beside him, hacking away at his computer while the younger man rested.

It was a relaxing moment for Light, and he rolled onto his side to face the detective. He watched him through the fan of his eyelashes, upper half of his face hidden beneath his blankets.

His tired mind found that L was rather pretty, albeit in an unorthodox way. Pallid, with dark shadows under his eyes that resembled smears of ink on paper. The insomniac didn’t sleep nearly enough, and it showed. Light could respect his drive to outdo even himself.

He continued to watch him for a few minutes. He let his eyes drift close, the image of the strangely beautiful man who sat hunched beside him burning into his tired retinas. And for the first time in as long as he could remember, the tension he carried in his body finally relaxed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’d sure love it if u, the beautiful and Kind reader, would leave a review for me uwu pwease consider it 8’3c
> 
> follow me on tumblr !! its @spongeson
> 
> also, please lemme know if u ever see any grammatical inconsistencies or errors— I’m usually pretty good at catching my mistakes but I’m sure some have slipped through the cracks
> 
> see ya next week !!


	5. Bonding Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys !! I worked the graveyard shift last night so I spent most of the day sleeping djdbdn sorry for the slight delay !! 
> 
> I’ve never played chess in my life, so of course I had to include it in my story. writing abt stuff I know nothing abt is second nature to me. 
> 
> this one is a bit more episodic and light-hearted !! and a tad bit OOC, but that’s a given. i hope u don’t mind uwu
> 
> (also... someone has a CRUSH ??? huehuehue)
> 
> please enjoy !! much love to you all
> 
> -jessie <3
> 
> ps my older sister just had her 5th child a few days ago hcbejfbr this isn’t necessary info but I thought I’d tell u guys anyway bc her kids are cute and honestly better than every other child in the world. fight me

_August 15th, 2004_

Light took his coffee black. He enjoyed simple things, favoring them over anything he considered to be too busy or too overwhelming. Black coffee was straight forward, there wasn’t anything standing in the way between his sleep addled brain and the caffeine it desperately craved.

When Light took a sip of his coffee that morning, it wasn’t black. It looked black, sure, but the surge of liquid sucrose that hit his taste buds told him otherwise. He ended up spluttering, hand pressed over his mouth to keep from spitting hot coffee over himself and the kitchen floor. There was a resounding thump as Light slammed his coffee mug onto the kitchen counter.

Red faced, he turned an incredulous stare at L, who up until that moment had been sipping quietly at his own cup of coffee.

“What did you do to my coffee?!” Light snapped, knowing full well what the detective had done to it. He had to have put at least 10 sugar cubes in it for it to acquire such a strong level of sweetness. “Are you trying to make me sick?!”

L grinned around the edge of his cup, fingers gripping the handle firmly.

“I thought Light-kun could use a little sweetness in his life.” He said innocently, taking another long sip of his coffee. His expression was light with teasing mirth.

Light wanted to go back to bed, and it was barely 7am on a Sunday.

“Ryuuzaki, if I wanted that I’d just eat candy all day like you do.” Light said, reaching for the sink and dumping the mostly-full cup of spiked coffee down the drain. He couldn’t help but lick his teeth, trying to get the pungent flavor out of his mouth. “I’m never trusting you near my food again.”

“What a waste...” L lamented, glancing forlornly at the sink and the sad remnants of the saccharine beverage. Light rolled his eyes and poured himself another cup, left blissfully untouched by the sugar addict. He took a sip and let out a relieved sigh.

“Well I certainly wasn’t going to drink it after what you did.” Light breathed haughtily, leaning his hip against the counter. L’s eyes followed the motion and frowned, fingers wiggling around the cup in his hands.

“You act as if I’ve poisoned you.”

“Is this really so different?” Light asked, crossing his legs casually as he stood propped against the counter. L’s shoulders hunched just a bit more than they already were. He pressed on with a slightly teasing tone, relenting. “Who knows when you’ll snap and actually do it.”

L pursed his lips slightly, eyes narrowing at the younger man in thought.

“Indeed, who knows?” He asked, tone sounding a bit downcast despite the blank look in his eyes. The two men finished their coffee in peaceful silence before heading towards the sitting room where they would likely be spending the rest of the day.

Light grabbed a stack of files from the coffee table, L’s laptop perched beside it, and quickly settled into the large black leather couch. L followed suit, nudging his laptop open with his bare toes.

Light, ever the poster child for perfect posture and perfect work ethic, thumbed through the leafs of paper, re-reading the notes that he had taken on the off-chance that he’d find something new, something he’d missed. His legs were crossed casually, manila folder sat open-faced in his lap.

He brushed his hair out of his eyes. It was starting to get long; he’d have to cut it soon.

It was a few minutes before he realized that the room was completely silent. Light lifted his gaze to see L’s computer sitting untouched on the table. He turned his head and started when he was immediately met with L’s eyes staring back at him.

L quickly averted his gaze, a light dusting of pink spreading across his pale cheeks. He reached for his laptop, offering no explanation as to why he spent good five minutes doing absolutely nothing. That wasn’t like him at all.

Light didn’t comment, a little shaken at having his soul probed by the detectives obsidian daggers. Something about the way L had turned away had Light’s heart constricting in his chest. L’s body language was even more closed off than usual, and his bare feet rubbed together almost anxiously against the couch cushion.

Light deemed it safe to continue working when he heard the telltale sound of L’s keyboard clicking away. The thin, spider-like man huddled in on himself, balancing his laptop on his raised knees.

Watari strolled in with a tray of candies and tea at noon, signaling that it was time for a quick reprieve. Light thought it odd that L hadn’t requested the older gentleman’s service in the hours leading up to this point— he typically called for him every other hour asking for any number of tooth-rottingly sweet desserts. Something was off.

L thanked Watari absently as the tea set was place before them, reaching an unseeing hand into a glass dish to snatch up a fist full of chocolate nonpareils. Watari then asked if there was anything else that his ward might desire.

Being the person who likely knew L better than anyone else, Watari looked visibly concerned by the detective’s strange behavior. L, shoving the chocolate unceremoniously into his mouth, didn’t take his eyes off his monitor as he answered.

“Not at this time, thank you.”

Light shrugged Watari’s way when the old inventor gave him an imploring look. Light didn’t understand the detective’s inner machinations anymore than Watari did. L had to have been caught up in something rather pressing to have his mind so far away, far enough away that even sweets hadn’t crossed it.

“If you are certain, Master Ryuuzaki.” Watari relented, offering a low bow before taking his leave, likely to review the security tapes from the night previous. They had to offer some clue as to why L was behaving so unlike himself. L gave a noncommittal grunt in response as the door to the sitting room swung shut.

Light gathered up and set aside the case files that were strewn across his lap and over the arm of the couch. He leaned forward and poured himself a cup of tea, and one for L as an afterthought. L was still engrossed with whatever was on his computer screen, so Light proceeded to add an ample amount of sugar and cream to the hot beverage.

He stirred it with the spoon provided, watching in detached fascination as the sugar granules melted into a thick paste before it dissolved, swirling into the milky liquid. Satisfied, Light turned at the waist and nudged L’s knee gently with his knuckles, cup steady in his hand.

L blinked away whatever trance he was caught up in and looked to Light, to the cup in his hand, and then into Light’s eyes. His own held a question floating in their depths.

“For me?” L asked, pointing to himself with a long, pale finger. He moved the finger to his mouth, tracing along his bottom lip before biting onto the nail. Light smiled, oddly charmed by the sight of the familiar gesture.

“Yeah. I figured that since you were so absorbed with the investigation I’d just go ahead.” Light said, motioning with his free hand for L to take the proffered beverage. He pressed the cup into his waiting palm, their fingers brushing together briefly through the exchange.

L quickly pulled the teacup to his chest in an almost possessive manner, fingers curling gently around its circumference as if it were a priceless artifact. His laptop sat abandoned on the cushion beside him.

“Thank you, Light-kun.” L said in a soft tone, eyes boring into Light’s with an intensity unlike anything the younger man had seen in them before. His heart leaped in his chest nervously under the strong gaze.

A warm flush creeped up his neck.

“Don’t thank me yet, I don’t know if its going to meet your standards.” Light said, grinning wryly at the other man. L clutched the teacup closer to his body before raising it to his lips, eyes drifting closed as he took a long sip.

When his eyes opened again they held a distinctly pleased look to them. Light observed this over his own cup of tea, left unsweetened and tasting faintly of almonds.

“What’s the damage?” Light asked blithely, grinning with his eyes.

“No damage,” L replied with a small, lopsided smile. “I must say I’m surprised, seeing as how Light-kun is normally quite adverse to sweet things.”

Light laughed at that.

“The trick is to use more than half of your estimated weight in sugar, I think.” He teased, casting the other with amused look. “Otherwise it isn’t sweet enough.”

L’s small grin then doubled in size, lips stretched wide behind the nimble fingers at his mouth.

“I was unaware Light-kun possessed a sense of humor.”

“It usually lies dormant, but it does exist.” Light sighed dramatically, heart thrumming at a pleasantly fast pace behind his breast bone. L, still smiling, finished his tea and settled his cup into its saucer with a soft clink. He set it aside and fixed Light with a determined look.

“Would you care to play a game of chess?” He asked suddenly, fists gripping his knees as he leaned forward on the balls of his feet. His bare toes sunk into the soft leather couch cushion, curling slightly to keep his balance steady.

Light set his own empty teacup aside, folding his hands demurely in his lap.

“Are you sure our time wouldn’t be better spent working on the investigation?” He asked, raising a brow. “You’re the one who always threatens to raise my Kira Percentage when I even suggest doing something other than work.”

“I have never threatened.” L corrected, although he didn’t seem too insulted by the assessment of his character. “I merely stated that it was suspicious how Light-kun would rather dally around when there were leads to follow.”

Light rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

“I don’t “dally,” L.” He huffed, narrowing his eyes at the detective. “My time is too valuable. However, I’m not above asking for breaks. You just keep denying me them every chance you get because you think it’s funny.”

L hummed, not disagreeing.

“Well, I am offering to amend that right now.” L said, fingers rubbing tiny circles into his denim clad knees. He continued, “Hence, a game of chess. I understand that Light-kun was once member of his middle school’s chess club?”

Light cringed at the memory of his less-fortunate and much younger self, but nodded in affirmation. God, he used to be such a dork. Middle school was a time best not thought about.

Ever.

“Yeah, I was.” He sighed. “I’m not going to ask you how you knew that. So you really want to play chess?”

“Light-kun, I believe I’ve said that more than once.” L drawled, giving the younger man a withering look. “It is imperative that we take advantage of the lull, so to speak.”

Then, he added as an afterthought, “It’s also said that time spent during recreational activities strengthens bonds between friends.”

Light couldn’t rightly say no after hearing that. Not that he’d refuse L this, since he did enjoy a game of chess every once in a while. And playing against L might actually provide him with a challenge, something he hadn’t had in a long while.

Light gave L a bright smile.

“Sure, okay. I’d love to, Ryuuzaki.”

The two men then got to their feet and ambled towards the door leading to their bedroom. L led the way to the closet, opening the door and revealing a shelf packed with various books and games of strategy. L grabbed the chess set and swung the door closed, pulling Light behind him in the direction of the small glass table sat by the wall-to-floor window.

They each took a seat opposite the other, and L set up the board.

“I’ll take white.” He said, lips quirking into a sly grin. Light leveled his stare and grinned back, resting his chin in his palm.

“Go ahead,” He said, waving his other hand next to his face in a dismissive gesture. “White doesn’t guarantee you a win.”

L’s grin turned into a smirk.

“Ah, but I’ll take any advantage I can.” He said, grabbing his first pawn between deft fingers, setting the game in motion as he moved it forward a step. “Call it childish, but I hate losing.”

“What a coincidence.” Light commented, gazing at L through his eyelashes. “I hate losing, too.I guess we’re both childish.”

L gave Light an impish grin. He looked delighted by the other’s admission.

The game then commenced, and the two were locked into an intense battle of strategy for an indeterminate amount of time.They played a few rounds, both winning at least one game and stalemating the others.

Light found that he liked seeing L like this. When they weren’t arguing over whether or not Light was a psychotic mass-murderer, L proved to be pleasant company. He was a good opponent, both in life and in a game of chess.

It was evening when they finally decided to put the chess set out of its misery and retire it for the night. L dumped the pieces unceremoniously into the worn cardboard box and set the board on top, and shoved the game into the corner by his chair.

“We can pick this up again at a later time.” He said. “It will be easier to have it within our sights, and not have to go digging around for it again.”

“Nice thinking.” Light teased dryly, feeling lighter than air after having his mind stimulated for hours on end. It was euphoric, something he had lost touch with years ago. “And thanks for the challenge, I haven’t played a real game of chess since I was ten.”

L seemed to perk at the praise, spine straightening the tiniest bit. His cheeks looked rosier than usual, adding a spark of life to his otherwise sickly complexion.

“Likewise, Light-kun.” He said, almost airily. He rose to his feet upon checking the time, looking at Light expectantly. “Now come. We should go find something to eat, it’s nearing supper time.”

Light glanced out the window to his right, watching in amazement as the sun lowered over the horizon. Hues of pink, orange and purple blotted the sky like a vibrant watercolor painting, clouds just as picturesque as they floated through the heavens. There was still some daylight left, but it was fading fast.

“Oh.” Light said, chuckling under his breath. “Its been a long time since I’ve been that focused on anything. Time really flew away from us.”

He turned his attention back to the detective, eyes honing in on the slender hand reaching out for him in waiting. Without thought he took hold of it, folding his fingers over L’s and locking them tight as he was pulled to his feet.

Their fingers lingered together a touch too long, and they fell free from each other. Light’s hand was buzzing with energy from the contact. L’s hands were deceptively warm, his skin smooth and flawless save for a few bitten fingertips.

They were also just a bit larger than his own. Light felt his face heat up at the thought, at the implications, and quickly stamped them down.

L glanced away and stuffed his hands into his pockets, silver cuff on his right hand rising up his forearm. Light didn’t know what to do with his own hands so he kept them firmly clenched at his sides.

They made their way to the kitchen, where a large, freshly baked strawberry cheesecake was waiting. It couldn’t have been sitting there for longer than five minutes. L made a beeline for it and proceeded to eat it off the spring-board, forgoing traditional cake-serving etiquette.

There was a bag of groceries sitting on the counter next to L’s precious dessert, filled with fresh vegetables and tender meats. Light, while appreciative of the gesture, deflated a little at the sight.

“Ryuuzaki, I don’t know how to tell you this, so I’m just going to say it.”

“Mhmm?” L hummed through a mouthful of food, lapping at the strawberry sauce at the end of his fork.

Light sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose as embarrassment threatened to consume him. He needed to get it over with.

“I— and I cannot stress this enough— am absolutely terrible at cooking.”

Admitting to one’s faults was humbling, but it also made Light feel like a complete and utter idiot. What college aged person doesn’t know how to cook? It was pathetic, really, especially since everyone around him seemed to hold his intelligence in such high regards. Before Light could dwell on it any further, though, his ears were suddenly met with the most beautiful and fascinating sound he had ever heard.

L’s laughter.

And, suddenly, admitting to his faults didn’t seem like such a bad thing after all. He’d do it again, ten-fold, if this was how he was rewarded.

—

That week went by without much fanfare. Each day started the same, with a cup of coffee shared in the kitchen, and ended with them working in the investigation room for an ungodly amount of time before eventually turning in for the night.

In between, they worked on the Kira case with the rest of the task force. They still weren’t making any progress, and all of the Kira related deaths had long since come to a hiatus.

Misa showed up on the investigation floor on the 22nd of August, but hadn’t made it past the doorway. She poked her head into the room, almost shyly, expression forlorn as she looked for Light. However, she didn’t call out for him or make any other sign that she was there.

Light had kept his head low, avoiding her cursory glance of the room. He heard Matsuda speaking to her from the doorway, and he watched quietly as the older detective ushered her out of the room to escort her back to her apartment.

It was strange, but not an unwelcome development. Light did notice how L kept his back to the door when Misa arrived, but he wasn’t sure of the reason. L didn’t do anything without purpose. Light didn’t think it was right to ask about it, so he let it be.

A few of the task force members gave Light questioning looks. His father looked vaguely disappointed at his son’s cowardice in the face of a heartbroken woman. Shuichi Aizawa, who didn’t let his disdain for Misa go unnoticed by anyone, gave Light a rare, amused smile.

“So you finally broke up with her, huh?” He asked loudly from across the room, clicking his pen against his desk casually. Light cringed at his lack of tact, especially since his father was sitting right there and saying nothing.

“Uh, yeah. Last week, actually.” Light said, rubbing his hands together in a tell of awkwardness. L cleared his throat, swiveling his chair around to fix Aizawa with an unimpressed look.

“Aizawa-san, I highly doubt Light-kun’s relationship status, or lack-thereof, holds any relevance to the task at hand.” He said dryly, with an almost biting undertone. Aizawa glowered at the younger man, eyes narrowed. But he nodded, and gave a gruff apology before getting back to work.

There was a relative modicum of peace, and Light felt the tension in his shoulders melt away in relief. Then, suddenly, the doors slammed open again, revealing an almost comically shocked Matsuda.

“Light-kun, you broke up with Misa-Misa?!”

Light wanted to throw himself from the nearest window and dive into traffic.

He also thought, vaguely, that if looks could kill, then Matsuda would most certainly be dead under the heated glare L sent his way.

—

_9:30pm— Investigation Room_

That night found them in much the same vein as usual. Light was tired, eyes heavy with fatigue as he desperately tried to keep them focused on his computer screen. He had given up on working and just roamed his eyes over the same couple of sentences, mind skipping like a broken record.

He leaned his head forward, chin propped on his hand, shoulders slouched in an eerily accurate resemblance of L. All he needed to complete the look was to sit in a crouch and start chewing on his fingers. He was already tired enough to start sporting small bags under his eyes.

“I think I’m finally turning into you.” Light said lowly, eyes unblinking on his screen. “I can feel the transformation starting.”

“Light-kun is delusional if he truly believes he could turn into me that easily.” L replied, a smile in his usually emotionless voice. Light was too tired to respond to that directly, and let out a quiet huff. His eyelids felt as if they weighed ten pounds, gravity pulling them down over his sore, abused eyeballs.

“I’m so tired, Ryuuzaki. I feel like my consciousness just left my body. I’m in the beginning stages of astral projection. I’ve read about it a few times.”

L stopped typing, and looked over his shoulder at the exhausted teenager to his right.

“Fascinating. Although that is both physically and mentally impossible, I don’t doubt the sincerity of your claim.” L said, pushing his chair away from his desk with his arms, spinning to face Light before clambering to his feet. Light stared at him confusedly, not expecting L to actually listen to him.

“You need to sleep, Light. You’ve stopped making sense, and you’re no longer useful.”

Light nodded sleepily, and yawned unbidden behind his closed fist.

“Okay.”

He was pulled to his feet by his hand without prompting, but he was so tired that he didn’t comment on it. He was so out of it that he didn’t notice how L’s hand refused to let his go, held tight between the detective’s knobby fingers.

Light was led out of the room, into the elevator and up to their bedroom by his hand. L’s fingers felt hot against his palm.

They undressed and redressed for bed quickly, and once the metal cuffs were replaced Light fell into the bed, much like he had countless times before. He was vaguely aware of a thick blanket being laid across his back, peeled over from the opposite side of the bed. He had been laying on top of the covers and was now fully transformed into a human burrito.

Light hummed appreciatively into his pillow and turned onto his side so his cheek lay flat against the surface. He kept his eyes closed. He felt the bed dip to his left, L settled at his side. There were no clicking keys to be heard.

As his mind began to wind down, Light became less aware of his surroundings and his sense of self. He grew detached as he sunk deeper into relaxation, on the vestiges of sleep. The person beside him, who he could no longer recall, fidgeted indecisively by his head.

The springs in the bed groaned as the person shifted their weight to lay down beside him. Light felt a warm presence at his front, firm hands pressing against his chest where his heart lay.

The pressure against his chest moved slowly, languidly until it reached around to gently rub his back in soothing circles. He was enveloped by comfort, and he was only acutely aware of a gentle press of something soft and pliant against his hairline.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give me reviews or give me death !!!!! 💀 
> 
> also I usually reply to all of them so don’t be surprised if you see Me sobbing in the comments section


	6. Cycles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello !! it’s barely sunday but I’m bored at work rn and the chapter is basically ready so i figured I’d post it a little early lol
> 
> we have some nice relationship development, a bit of drama and a too-short phone call with a certain little sister ahead of us. uwu
> 
> thanks for the reviews last chapter !! I truly died, y’all are so nice 8’)) I love u
> 
> please enjoy !!

_August 23rd, 2004– Morning_

Light felt as if his midsection was being ensnared by warm, coiled snakes. Strange, considering snakes had no business being in his bed, or fitting against him so comfortably. Snakes were cold blooded, after all, and Light was being held firmly in place by them in an almost affectionate embrace.

He felt something chilly and metallic brush against his exposed ribs when the ensnaring warmth pulled back and receded. Cool fingertips brushed gently over his closed eyelids, making them flutter briefly as his mind waded through the ocean of sleep. Something rustled beside him, pulling the metal chain attached to his wrist along with it.

Light stirred, and blinked away the sleep in his eyes when the rusting all but stopped.

“Mhmb?” He mumbled rather than spoke, sleep addled brain unable to make use of his diction so soon upon waking. The room was still dark, curtains firmly drawn closed, but he was able to make out a few things as his vision adjusted to the lack of light.

First and foremost was L’s silhouette, sat upright yet hunched, facing him with his side pressed against the wooden headboard. Light could see his eyes, irises shining like luminous black diamonds, focused on his bent knees. His fingers traced along the cuff on his right wrist in thought, idly jingling the chain.

Light watched for a few moments, transfixed by the raven haired man before him. Heat swelled in his chest, burning through his insides like liquid fire. It felt surprisingly nice, comforting even.

“Good morning, Light-kun.” L broke through the silence, low cadence but a gentle thrum in Light’s ears. Light blinked, vision focusing enough to see that L’s eyes were now glued to his own. It caused an upward spike in his pulse. “I hope I haven’t disturbed you.”

How could L disturb him? He hadn’t done anything, he was simply existing beside him while he rested.

“No..” Light mumbled sleepily, propping himself on his elbow and running his fingers through his messy auburn tresses. “Of course you haven’t, Ryuuzaki. What would give you that idea?”

He sat up fully, blankets strewn about his lap, and reached to turn on the lamp at his bedside table. The transition was blinding and he squinted against the harsh artificial lights. The room was bathed in an orange-yellow glow, and it contrasted strangely with the dark furnishings.

L hadn’t changed his position much. If anything, he became even more physically withdrawn, legs pulled tight against his chest and skinny arms locking them in place. He was still looking at Light, expression unreadable beneath his shaggy fringe. He didn’t answer Light’s question.

“What time is it?” Light asked instead, rubbing his eyes with his right fist.

“It’s just after five in the morning.” L answered immediately, not even needing to glance at the wrist watch on Light’s bedside table. His internal clock was impeccable. “You could stand to get a little more rest, Light.”

The lack of honorifics didn’t go unnoticed by the younger man. He kept note of it, filing it away for later examination.

“That isn’t necessary, Ryuuzaki.” Light said meaningfully, last vestiges of sleep finally leaving his mind. “We went to bed early last night. I’ve had more than enough sleep already.”

“This is atypical.” L commented, running his thumb over his mouth. “Light-kun is usually quite monstrous upon waking.”

“Oh, hilarious.” Light said, rolling his eyes. “Be thankful that I got a full night’s sleep this one time, then. I’m sure I’ll be back to my ‘monstrous’ behavior again tomorrow.”

“Is that a confession to indulging in such behaviors?” L asked, moving his hands to the hem of his shirt, fiddling idly with the worn fabric. “That is highly suspect, Light-kun.”

He said it in such a way that one could interpret it as teasing. The tone was slightly off, but then again, so were a lot of things pertaining to the detective.

“I hope that’s just your idea of a bad joke.” Light sighed. He leaned back against the headboard, head lolling to the side to stare at L.

“You’ve caught me.” L said with a grin, looking rather pleased. Light laughed humorlessly, indulging him. “I thought I’d try my hand at joke-telling. Be honest, does it suit me?”

“Not in the slightest.” Light said with a smirk, trailing his eyes up to the ceiling. He then looked back, grin widening fractionally. “However, if it truly is a passion of yours, I’ll gladly suffer through it.”

L’s eyes widened a bit and he quickly averted his gaze, toes battling each other almost in a show of shyness. The tips of his ears glowed red.

“No need.” He mumbled into his knees, gripping his ankles with claw-like hands. “I doubt this will come up again.”

Light shrugged.

“Suit yourself.”

—

At 5pm, nearly nine hours into the work day, things started to head south.

There still hadn’t been any updates regarding the Kira investigation. No new deaths, no cryptic messages or videos, and most of the task force was starting to lose face. They had nothing left to go on. There hadn’t been a single stone left unturned. Everyone was stumped.

That applied to L as well, and he didn’t look to happy about it. Light could practically feel the waves of displeasure rolling off the other man. It kind of freaked him out.

Everyone had their limits, and L’s patience was apparently at its end.

“This is useless.” L said tonelessly, heady words directed more towards himself but still managing to shock the room into silence with their weight. Light felt his jaw go slack momentarily before snapping shut. “I believe I’ve been had.”

Damage control. Now.

“You can’t be serious, Ryuuzaki!” Light admonished quietly, trying to keep their conversation away from burning ears. He swiveled his chair so that he was blocking L from the task force’s view. Light could hear Matsuda’s nervous laughter in the background as the rest of the team hesitantly resumed their work. Or what was disguised as work.

“I’m afraid so, Light-kun.” L droned, turning his head and resting his cheek on his slumped shoulder. “You’re well aware that my humor is lacking.”

Light furrowed his brows, nose scrunching as he frowned at the now sullen looking detective. He recognized the emotion in L’s eyes as acute depression, not yet fully formed but waiting beneath the surface. It made Light’s throat constrict in sympathy.

“It isn’t always lacking.” Light tried with a smile, although the tug at his mouth felt closer to a grimace. “I’m sorry if what I said this morning hurt your feelings, I was only teasing you back.”

“It’s of no consequence.” L said, turning to face the monitor again. He wilted a bit, head drooping forward. “Nor is it important right now.”

Light frowned and opened his mouth to speak, before being cut off by L’s despondent sigh. The detective turned his chair and got to his feet, causing Light further confusion.

“You can all go home.” L said loudly, once again catching the undivided attention of the entire room. “There obviously hasn’t been any change in the situation. We’ve wasted enough time waiting for something that isn’t going to happen any time soon.”

“B-but what about Kira?” Matsuda asked from his desk, silver eyes wide with justified confusion. Aizawa and Mogi looked outraged, both men making their opinions known through shouts of protest.

“Kira hasn’t made a move in nearly a month.” L replied, glancing up at the ceiling in a dismissive gesture. “Take advantage of this reprieve. Who knows when you’ll get the chance to go home early again.”

Matsuda went to argue but was silenced by Soichiro laying a hand on his shoulder. He was the only one aside from L who was standing from his desk. His stoic face betrayed no emotion, but his eyes held a semblance of understanding.

“Ryuuzaki is right.” He said, addressing not only Matsuda but the rest of the task force. “There haven’t been any new revelations, and we’ve spent the last several weeks at a near stand still. We should go to our families now while we still can.”

“Pragmatic as always, Yagami-san.” L said dryly. “It’s much appreciated.”

Soichiro nodded stiffly, expression closing off a bit. He gave a withering sigh, and looked to his son. His eyes looked a little sad, and it made Light’s stomach twist in unease. He tried to give his dad a reassuring smile. Somehow, it did not have the desired affect.

Soichiro then approached his son, grim expression adding several years onto his appearance. The rest of the task force had begun to pack up and trickle out the door. Soichiro looked as if he was in the middle of some inner debate with himself.

“Light?” He asked, almost tentatively. It wasn’t a look that Light had ever seen on his father’s face, and it was unsettling.

“What is it, dad?” Light asked, getting to his feet to meet Soichiro halfway. L remained where he stood, bare feet firmly planted and looking wholly uninterested in the older man approaching them.

Soichiro flexed his hands at his sides. He wasn’t one to fidget.

“It’s your mother.” He said, almost without thinking. The statement sent a surge of anxiety through Light at the lack of clarification.

“Did something happen to her?” He asked, words leaving him quickly and with urgency. Soichiro looked taken aback before his eyes widened in understanding.

“No, no. It’s nothing like that.” He assured, looking all the world like he had made some great mistake by inadvertently causing his son stress. “She’s just been asking about you. Sayu, too. They miss you terribly, and I can only say so much to assuage their fears without giving your situation away.”

His tone sounded resentful. Light didn’t miss the scathing look his father sent L’s way.

“I’m sorry, dad.” Light said, and he was. But it wasn’t as if he could do anything about it. “You’ve been passing along my messages to them, haven’t you?”

“Yes, of course.” Soichiro said. There was a pregnant pause before he continued. “I’d like it if you were able to give them a phone call.”

That must’ve been why he had looked so hesitant before. His strong, broad shoulders were rigid with tension, dark mustache twitching slightly against his lower lip. Light looked at his father helplessly, unable to say much besides “I don’t think that’s allowed, dad.”

He thought he felt L stiffen beside him, but he chalked it up to his imagination.

“We can set up a time for one phone call.” L said suddenly, surprising not only Soichiro but the boy attached to his wrist. “Talk it over with your wife and daughter when you arrive at your home tonight. Tomorrow evening would be the most convenient time for us.”

Light was truly gaping, at a loss for words. Soichiro smiled for the first time in a month, practically beaming at the surprising turn of events.

“Of course.” He said, bowing slightly in appreciation. “Thank you, Ryuuzaki. My wife will be thrilled.”

L waved away the gratitude, keeping his eyes on his toes. The chain jingled noisily with the motion.

“Think nothing of it.” He said. “You should be returning to your family now, Yagami-san.”

Soichiro’s smile fell away at the mention of returning to only part of his family. They hadn’t been together, fully, in over four months.

“Yes.” He assented. He looked to Light, who still hadn’t spoken, and hesitantly raised a hand to gently touch his son’s hair. It was something he used to do when Light was still young. It nearly sent him back to those days, when he was still afraid of the monsters under his bed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, son.” Soichiro said in parting, letting his hand fall to his side. He then turned on his heel and gathered his belongings, leaving without another word through the large double doors.

Light and L were then left standing, alone in the now-abandoned investigation room.

“You’re really going to let me call them?” Light finally asked, still unable to believe that L had actually given his permission. Any other time Light had requested to write to his sister had been denied, so he figured that this would be no different.

“This one time, yes.” L said, not meeting Light’s eyes. “I know how close Light-kun is with his sister, it would be unfair to completely deprive him of speaking to her.”

Light didn’t know what to say. He was genuinely touched by the sentiment.

“Oh.” He said, intelligently. He cleared his throat, cheeks burning at his lack of eloquence. “That’s rather sweet of you, Ryuuzaki-san. I didn’t know you had a sentimental side.”

L completely turned away from Light, then. His feet rubbed together, perhaps in thought or maybe something else. Light couldn’t be too sure without seeing L’s face.

“We should head to our room.” L said quietly. “I’ll send Watari for some tea. How does another game of chess sound, Light-kun?”

The three sentences L uttered had little do do with each other, but he was able to answer all three with a simple “Okay,” and was then led out of the room by his hand. He didn’t remember L taking it, but he found that he didn’t mind.

The trip was short. L wasted no time in setting up the board. He also surprised Light by offering him the white pieces, rather than taking them for himself.

“It’s as you said before, Light-kun.” L smiled wanly. “White doesn’t guarantee you a win.”

Light smiled in turn. He watched as L pulled out his cell phone, flip it open and send a quick text message, presumably to Watari with a request for tea and snacks. His eyes stayed on Light’s all the while.

It was impressive, to say the least.

Light made his first move on the board, setting the game in motion. He had captured most of L’s pawns, doing away with the weaker pieces and working his way up. He was five steps ahead, poised to win and ready conquer L’s queen one way or another.

That is, until he was checked. And then, after a brief pause on L’s end, check-mated.

L smiled knowingly as Light searched the board for his mistake. Watari chose that time to walk in with a tray of tea and cookies. He had likely been watching the duration of the match in the control room while the tea steeped, and waited until L had secured his win to deliver it.

Light had been effectively humbled.

—

At 11pm, they had an argument. It had started over something trivial, something innocent, and quickly escalated into numbers and percentages and the high likeliness that Light was actually Kira and was just looking for a way to gain leverage over the detective.

Light didn’t take kindly to that accusation. In fact, he was extremely hurt by it.

“It was just a simple question, Ryuuzaki, jeez!” Light snapped angrily, tossing his button-down shirt onto the floor with a huff. He clicked the metal cuff around his wrist back into place, finally disrobed and ready to dive into bed.

Or he had been, until L decided to pick a fight. 

“You’ve been in a weird mood since this morning, Ryuuzaki. Don’t think I haven’t noticed.” Light continued, vehement and dangerously blunt as his temper flared. He pointedly ignored the way L flinched, pressing on. “It isn’t just that, either. When you decided working on the investigation was ‘useless’ and a waste of time, you sent everyone home early again. That isn’t normal, not in the slightest, and my asking about your well-being shouldn’t be cannon fodder for your stupid accusations!”

“It wasn’t out of boredom that I sent them home, if that’s what you’re implying.” L said evasively, adjusting his own cuff into place. “I just thought it was pointless to continue looking for a man who apparently doesn’t plan on finishing what he started.”

He said it with a surprising amount of venom, stormy eyes fixed on Light’s face. Light flinched at the heated words, and glowered back at the other man.

“Just because you think it’s pointless, doesn’t mean that what we’re doing isn’t important.” Light said, eyes narrowing into slits. “Are you just planning on giving up? While Kira is still out there, planning his next move?”

“Is that a confession?” L asked, almost tauntingly. Light practically snarled at the detective, jerking his left hand roughly and pulling the chain taught between them. L’s eyes widened a fraction. “You are displaying signs of violent aggression, Yagami-kun.”

Light was seething. He could taste fire on his tongue and it burned like poison.

“I don’t know why I even bother talking to you!” He shouted angrily, voice going up an octave as his temper finally snapped. “Right when I start feeling like I can actually talk to you like a friend, you turn around and try to make ME seem like the asshole! Is it really so fucking hard to believe that I actually care?!”

The thought made his heart hurt. His face burned in his anger, and his eyes felt like they’d start tearing up in his frustration. He couldn’t recall ever feeling this upset or betrayed.

L seemed to snap out of his reverie in the wake of Light’s explosion. He looked regretful, and raised a tentative hand.

“Light-kun—“

“SHUT UP!” Light shouted, cutting him off and jerked the chain again. In a lower voice, but not nearly close to being subdued, he said “Just leave me alone, L. I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

L didn’t correct Light and insist that he use his pseudonym. He didn’t say anything at all. Light’s heart was beating at an erratic pace and he just wanted to go to sleep and never talk to L again. He didn’t care if it was childish to think or hope for, he was angry and his feelings were hurt.

He climbed into bed and turned off his lamp, turning on his side to face away from L. It was already such a common thing for him, to face away and be silent when he was displeased.

This felt different, somehow. More personal than any argument they’d had, even before Light’s confinement and subsequent chaining to L.

He’d tried his hand at being a friend, and reached out to comfort. In the end, it bit him in the ass, reminding him once again of the situation he was in. L wasn’t his friend. He was the detective who was observing him, waiting for him to crack under pressure and admit to something that he didn’t do.

Light wasn’t going to fall for it again.

—

The days following passed in miserable silence. Light didn’t speak to L once, not even to request food or use of the bathroom facilities. He’d stand and wait until the detective got the hint and got to his feet as well.

Light didn’t spare him a glance. His head felt too heavy, he couldn’t afford to have his neck snap under the weight of his crippling depression.

That’s what he was, after all. Depressed. Again.

But unlike the last time, he didn’t cry. He didn’t do much of anything, actually, and barely spoke at all save for the single phone call he had with his mother and sister the day following his fight with L.He told them that he was doing exceptionally well, but was being kept busy and was therefore unable to keep in touch as much as he’d like.

Most of that was true, to an extent. Sayu had teased him, warning him playfully he’d never marry if he stayed so intent on working himself to death.

“Of course, my big brother is exceptionally handsome~” She had crooned over the tinny connection of Light’s burner phone. “Even after death, he’ll have girls lined up all the way to Osaka to smooch his headstone~ Haha!”

Light had laughed, but felt no humor behind it. Sachiko fretted over his health, as she was prone to doing. Before hanging up, he told them he loved them, and it was the first time in days that he felt an echo of real emotion.

“Love you too, Light!~” Sayu chirped sweetly before Light had a chance to disconnect the line. She gasped and quickly added on, almost as an afterthought, “Oh! Also, when you finally come home you need to take me ice skating! You missed my birthday, after all— I’m holding you to it! It’s the only way I’ll forgive you!”

That won a small, ghost of a smile from Light, and he agreed to his sister’s demands after their mother gave her a brief scolding. Once the phone call ended, his mask fell away and Light was no longer smiling.

L had tried to talk to him a number of times, but Light wouldn’t have it. The only response he’d give, if any, was a noncommittal mumble of “leave me alone, Ryuuzaki.”

His father tried talking to him, too, but to no avail. Soichiro looked pained. It was probably hard to see his son, usually so vibrant and helpful, behave like a shell of his former self.

Soichiro didn’t truly understand his son. If he had, he’d know that this wasn't the first depressive spell Light had undergone. And it certainly wouldn’t be the last.

On the seventh day of silence, L finally managed to crack Light’s sullen exterior.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, Light.”

They had been in the bathroom at the time. Light was towel drying his hair, freshly washed and smelling of vanilla. He hadn’t expected L to speak to him again so soon after his last attempt, and he certainly hadn’t expected him to apologize.

“Is that so?” Light asked, voice far away. He turned to face the detective, who was looking at him in earnest, pitch black eyes pulling him in like dying stars.

“Yes.” L said immediately, stepping forward before seeming to catch himself. He took a step back. “I realize that I was being ungrateful and vindictive, and I deflected your attempts to comfort me by saying things that I knew would make you upset.”

“Then why did you say them?” Light asked. He nearly forgot that he was standing in the bathroom, completely naked save for the towel wrapped loosely around his waist. It didn’t matter, but he still noticed it all the same. “What reason did you have to push me away like that?”

L frowned guiltily and raised his hands to his mouth, looking like he wanted nothing more than to bite down on his nails and chew them into bloody stumps. He abstained and fought to lower them back to his sides, curling them into white-knuckled fists. The chain hung loosely between them, still wet on Light’s end thanks to his shower.

“I don’t know.” L said, and he seemed to be telling the truth. “If I did have a reason, it wasn’t a good one. I can see that now.”

Light wanted to believe him, but the pressing weight in his chest kept him from doing so immediately.

“Well, thanks for apologizing, I guess.” Light said, feeling a tad bit awkward. “I’m sorry for calling you a stupid jerk.”

“I don’t remember that part of the conversation.” L said, expression becoming confused. Light smirked, and the dismal fog over his head finally began to dissipate.

“Oh, I didn’t say it out loud?” He asked, hiding a smile demurely behind his hand. “Silly me, I guess I didn’t need to say anything, then.”

L looked effectively chastised.

“Apologizing for that wouldn’t have been necessary, regardless.” L said, fiddling with his fingers and looking at everything but the boy in front of him. “Light-kun is correct in saying so, out loud or otherwise.”

Some of the weight on Light’s shoulders abated by the other’s admission. He felt a little relieved, too.

“I’m sorry, Light.” L repeated. “It was an oversight of mine. I hadn’t realized that my carelessness would affect you so. I promise not to make another mistake like this again.”

Light didn’t have any hope of staying angry at L.

“It’s okay, Ryuuzaki.” Light said. He meant it, too.

“You can call me L when we’re alone.” L said, offering an olive branch that wasn’t truly necessary anymore. “If we are to be friends, real friends, then I would prefer it.”

Light didn’t know why that sent his heart into a frenzy. L was completely avoiding his gaze, looking to the floor, the ceiling or the wall.

“Okay, L.” Light said, smiling around the name. Or the letter that served as a name. It felt intimate, almost, when it was being said without anger and betrayal. Never mind that Light was still dressed in only a towel. He took advantage of L’s avoidant eyes and slipped on a clean pair of boxers. “We should probably get some sleep now, huh.”

“Yes, you should.” L said, keeping his eyes on his feet. His bare toes curled against the cool, wet tile. “But I’ll accompany you, and work from the bed.”

“You’re actually going to continue on the case?” Light asked, surprised. He hadn’t seen the detective working on it at all since their fight last week. Not even during the task force meetings.

“I’ve been working on it while you slept, much like I have been doing throughout your stay here.” L said as they began their way through the bathroom door and into their bedroom. “Without Light-kun to talk to, I had little else to do.”

Light had the decency to look abashed. He couldn’t bring himself to feel bad, though.

“Nice to know.” Light commented before climbing under the covers. They felt cool against his heated skin, brining his body temperature down significantly. He lay on his back, L perched on the bed at his left.He had his laptop open, settled on the bed between his feet. It was a stranger sight than when he tried balancing the machine on his knees, despite its normalcy.

The lights were then shut off, pitching the room into darkness save for the artificial glow of L’s laptop.

Light fell asleep quickly, the stress he had been carrying for a week all but gone after L’s apology. It wasn’t a permanent fix for future confrontations, but he felt better than he had. He felt more secure.

There were no clicking keys, and soon after Light fell unconscious the laptop at L’s feet was swiftly closed.

That night, Light was once again ensnared by something warm, something coiled, but decidedly more human.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m suffering from writers block atm— still trying to edit chapter 7 8’c it’s a chore 
> 
> also: this isn’t definite but I may have to put this story on hiatus for a little while once I’ve posted all that I’ve already written. I haven’t had much time to write anything lately, what with work and other responsibilities. and my depression rip. it won’t be a ridiculously long hiatus tho, I promise.
> 
> for now tho there’s plenty of content coming !! I just have to buckle down and make them more presentable for u guys haha
> 
> and as always, pwease leave a review !!


	7. Progression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey !! I’m once again posting just a little bit early uwu 
> 
> this chapter was a BITCH to edit. I’m still fussing around trying to edit next chapter because I’m not happy with its current state 8/ blahh its definitely my least favorite chapter of the bunch
> 
> some really great stuff is just ahead of us !! too bad it won’t stay so nice forever 8/ but for now... B) hehehe
> 
> please enjoy !!

_August 31st 2004– Morning_

The push and pull of hot breath at his nape coasted over his bare shoulders like gentle waves against a craggy ocean shore. It mussed through the silky tresses of his auburn hair, creating disorder against the stark white casing of his pillow. A warm body pressed flush against the expanse of his back, his midsection locked in an wrought-iron grip that pulled him impossibly close.

Light was still asleep, yet his unconscious mind was vaguely aware of the protective hold coiling around him from behind. It provided him with security and comfort even while he was lost in the throes of sleep. Craving further touch, he rolled over with an inaudible mumble in a blind search for protection. Blessed warmth continued to envelope him as the sea of blankets began to fall away from his waist.

There was a startled gasp as he nuzzled his face against sweet scented cotton. The fabric was kept warm by an erratically beating heart, and the tender embrace he was caught in suddenly became bone-crushing and desperate. Light choked out a gasp of his own as air was forcibly squeezed from his lungs. The grip around his middle immediately loosened into something much more comfortable, and any aches he had were quickly soothed away with gentle rubs.

Light opened his eyes a crack, first rays of dawn peeking through the curtains and teasing his exhausted eyeballs. It took a moment for his sleep addled brain to catch up to what he was seeing. His vision was blurry, streaked with moisture and he blinked awkwardly through a deep haze of confusion.

L’s eyes were staring into his own, wide and probing with the barest hint of alarm touching his stormy irises. He lay close beside him, close enough that Light could feel his rapid pulse through his shirt and it immediately struck him that the warmth he felt, the all encompassing heat, was due to the detective’s proximity.

Light was paralyzed, limbs locked tight as his friend continued to hold him close. His fists, which had found themselves clutching the front of L’s shirt in his sleep, loosened their grip as he was overcome with surprise. The detective’s eyes betrayed no emotion, unblinking and dull as the seconds crawled by.

Light felt a rush of fire licking at his skin under the detective’s heavy gaze. He felt like he was radiating heat, his face was burning so badly. He knew he probably looked ridiculous.

Something raw and unrecognizable flashed through L’s eyes as he continued to stare uninhibited. They were alight with a mysterious energy, twin pools of liquid starlight that Light momentarily found himself wanting to swim in.

With a steady breath, L slowly retracted his arms and pulled away from the younger man. The silver chain connecting them dragged noisily in his stead, drawing further attention to their previous position as he rolled onto his back.

He offered no explanation. He kept his eyes heaven-bound as the silence around them grew thick and heady.

Light continued to lay there, vision trained on L’s sullen profile. He took note of the way his lips trembled ever so slightly, as if some forbidden emotion was hiding just beneath the surface. He looked so fragile, so unlike himself that his expression alone had taken Light more off guard than his initial embrace had.

Light knew that he had to break the silence or else it would stretch on for an indefinite amount of time. They couldn’t afford that.

“...Good morning, L.” He breathed, the foreign letter tasting that much stranger on his tongue after having used the detective’s other pseudonym for so long. L, the letter, the name, felt so much more personal than any of his other aliases. The intimacy of it made his heart quiver behind his breast bone.

“Good morning, Light-kun.” L replied in kind, just as quietly for not a touch softer. A hush fell over them then, adding weight to the already heavy atmosphere. L’s hands twitched at his sides, and he hesitated briefly before pushing himself up into a low crouch. He pressed his thumb between his parted lips with a thoughtful expression, scratching his ankle with his free hand.

“We really should begin the process of starting the day. It’s already well past six.”

Light glanced at the wrist watch sitting on his night stand. Its face read six-forty-five, well into the six o’clock hour and well past the time he usually woke up. With a derisive sigh Light pushed himself upright, rubbing his eyes tiredly before running his fingers through his impressive bed head. It tamed itself quickly, falling flat against his skull after a few quick shakes of his hand.

“Oh jeez, I’m sorry.” Light huffed embarrassedly, adrenaline from his earlier wake up call slowly fading into the background of his mind. “You must’ve been super bored, huh?”

“Not at all.” L said quietly, glancing at a particularly interesting pull on their otherwise pristine duvet. “I’ve just woken up, myself. It seems that I neglected to set an alarm before falling asleep.”

Light nodded, but found it difficult to look L in the eye after waking so snugly in his arms. L had obviously clung to him in his sleep— that in itself wasn’t too odd, nor was it was it unwelcome as it provided Light with a sense of comfort for a brief time.

It was human nature to seek out warmth and protection, after all. Even while unconscious. The revelation served to give Light a bit of relief.

“If that’s the case, then I guess I’m not sorry after all. You needed the extra sleep.” Light teased airily, finding it a bit easier to smile after letting his mind wander. He peeled back the covers and motioned to stand. “Come on, then, we’re burning daylight.”

L nodded and disentangled his arms from around his legs, scrambling like a spider to climb off the bed after the younger man. They dressed themselves, cleaned themselves up a bit in the bathroom and made their late start for the day.

Watari had been in the kitchen recently, with breakfast already waiting for L on the counter. A kettle was sat cooling on the stove, steam pouring from its spout in perfect little tendrils. Two tea cups sat before it, tea bags steeping in the hot water.

The old inventor must’ve seen them on the monitor in the control room and acted accordingly. Light felt a dark flush rise to his face as he realized that Watari had also probably seen him and L spooning each other in their sleep. What kind of thoughts had crossed his mind, Light wondered.

Although he was pretty sure he didn’t want to know, otherwise he’d die of embarrassment.

L sat down at the counter and began eating his breakfast of cherry pie and vanilla ice cream. Light worked on preparing L’s tea. He didn’t need any prompting— they’d gotten into the habit, briefly, before the stupid argument that led up to a week of Light giving L the cold shoulder.

He handed the teacup to L wordlessly, slipping into the seat beside him. The chain between them hung loose, no longer taught from Light’s maneuvering through the limited space.

“Thank you.” L said automatically, taking a sip once the teacup was in his possession. L was never one for manners, but he somehow always made a point to thank Light whenever he did something for him. Nervousness fluttered in Light’s stomach at the idea of being deemed important enough to receive gratitude.

He knew it was trivial, maybe even a little stupid, but it meant something to him. L was the only person who brought this feeling out of him.

“You’re welcome.” Light said into his own cup, left unsweetened. The tea was floral, with a hint of something naturally sweet, like honey. It was decadent, and it warmed him from the inside out.

Breakfast was uneventful after that small exchange, and soon they were on their way to the investigation floor to get an early start. It was late by their standards, but they still had a good hour until the rest of the task force started to arrive.

The atmosphere was noticeably brighter and more open throughout the day, despite the circumstances of why they were all there. Everyone had noticed that Light was in higher spirits, because for an entire week he was completely frigid, withdrawn and unhappy.

Now, Light was smiling. It radiated like the sun, too bright and too beautiful to look at directly. L stared at him oddly, awe sparking in his gaze, looking as if something golden and holy was being presented before him. Light didn’t understand that look, and it made his palms sweat.

There wasn’t much in the way of progress, as far as the case went. That was unsurprising. What was surprising, however, was the appearance of Misa when the lunch hour rolled around. Light felt something akin to dread form in his gut, praying to anyone who’d listen that Misa wouldn’t approach him. Why was she being allowed inside?

L was rigid in his chair, back turned to the open door. His expression looked strained, annoyed even, before something even more surprising happened.

Misa, the woman who had fallen all over Light the moment he met her, completely bypassed him and went straight over to Matsuda’s desk. She had a package of something delicious nestled in her arms.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on. Matsuda’s elated expression upon seeing the beautiful girl was enough. While there probably wasn’t anything overtly romantic going on between them, it was obvious that the two had taken a liking to each other.

Light wasn’t all too concerned about what went on between them, but he did find it a little unfortunate that they likely would never be permitted to enter a romantic relationship, so long as the case was going on. Misa was suspected as being the second Kira, and while Matsuda’s role in the investigation was minimal at best, he was still an officer of the law.

Yes, it was indeed unfortunate. But at least Misa was finally off his case, for the time being. Light did feel a little guilty over his selfish train of thought, but he felt he was allowed at least that one small luxury. His thoughts were his own, after all; no one needed to know how he truly felt at all times.

L seemed to have relaxed as well when he turned and noticed a distinct lack of Misa in their general proximity. He then noticed Misa, sat at Matsuda’s desk, sharing a bento box with him.

“That is unfortunate.” L intoned softly, voicing Light’s exact thoughts. Light snorted, and quickly covered his mouth with his hand. A rush of embarrassment surged through him, and he let out a nervous laugh.

God, he’d actually snorted while he laughed.

L’s face lit up with a surprised smile. He bit down on his thumb, eyes crinkling in amusement as his grin widened. Light very much wanted to explode.

“Please shut up.”

“I haven’t said anything yet, Light-kun.” L replied, resting his chin on his knees with a little pout. Watari arrived not a moment later with their lunches. Something simple and green for Light, and something weighted down by several pounds of chocolate for L.

The detective didn’t give any indication that he noticed his older companion, not that he needed to. They seemed to have an understanding of each other, and words weren’t always necessary when there were other, more important things to do. L continued to stare at Light, smile firmly in place, as Light offered a quick thanks to Watari.

“Well this is me preemptively telling you to shut up, Ryuuzaki.” Light hissed once Watari was out of earshot. L laughed airily behind his fingers, and the two soon began eating their lunches in companionable silence.

The day continued at its leisurely pace, and soon enough it had reached its end. The task force had departed at 8:30, as was typical, once again leaving their two youngest members alone in the investigation room.

It wasn’t late by any means, as it was only 9:30 at that point, but L had decided it would be best to continue from their bedroom.

“It would be best for Light-kun to have a break from sitting in his computer chair.” L said as he rose to his feet. His bare toes curled into the carpeting, stretching pleasantly against the soft material. “I’ve noticed that his posture is starting to slacken. I’m afraid I’ve been a terrible influence.”

Light blushed a little at the comment about his waning posture. He had to admit, though, that his spine wasn’t thanking him for his poor treatment of it. That must’ve been what L had been so focused on when he was staring at him. The man was analytical to a fault.

“Ah, my back is just a little sore, I’m fine.” He said, straightening his back a little painfully. All of these hours spent sitting at a computer weren't doing him any favors. L surprised him by lightly brushing his shoulder, running his fingers against his upper back.

“I can give you massage, if you’d like.” He offered quietly, voice almost a whisper. Something stirred in Light’s gut at the prospect, startling him a bit. L walked up behind his chair and placed both hands on Light’s shoulders, thumbs rubbing into his upper back and between his shoulder blades.

Tingles ran through Light’s system, starting from their point of contact and ending in his fingers and toes. L hadn’t waited for a response, but Light’s pleased sigh was answer enough. Light felt nearly every muscle in his body go lax.

L’s hands were talented, that much Light was completely sure of. He sighed again, breathy, and L’s hands stilled.

“Better?” L asked, removing his hands from Light’s shoulders. Light hummed, head nodding dazedly. “Let’s go, then.”

Light got to his feet, boneless. His back held little of the tension he had been carrying. He rolled his shoulders experimentally, reveling in their loose movements.

“Thank you.” Light said as he followed L into the elevator.

“Think nothing of it.” L replied. Then, as an afterthought, he said “Please let me know if you ever require another massage. I’m quite well-versed in the art.”

Light’s pulse spiked at that, sending pleasant heat rising to his neck and cheeks.

“Uh, sure.” He said, heart thrumming in his chest. He was sure the other could hear it, even if he gave no outward sign that he had. L’s lips quirked into a grin as the elevator doors opened, and then they were off to their quarters.

Light wasn’t tired enough to sleep just yet, but he readied himself for bed regardless. In his relaxed state, it was only a matter of time before exhaustion caught up with him. The cuff fell away easily once L unlocked it, and Light made quick work of unbuttoning his shirt.

He noticed L’s lingering glance. He didn’t know what it meant, but it made him nervous. He finished disrobing. L remained in his day-clothes, likely opting to sleep in the comfortably worn outfit out of necessity. His pile of dirty laundry had yet to be collected by Watari, and he had nothing left to change into.

They went about their nightly routines, made use of the restroom, and settled into the bed. Light plopped into it with a tired sigh, stretching comfortably against the clean sheets.

L had his laptop open, settled between his feet on the bed, his knees pulled upright on either side of it. The lights were turned off, and the room was left dark save for the light of L’s monitor. It bathed him in a sheen of bluish-white, and he looked eerily beautiful. Like a ghost, pale white against a sea of black shadows. His eyes were gaunt, staring into nothing on his screen.

Light was captivated, and watched the other man for a while before letting his eyes drift closed. His breathing soon evened out, and it felt like hours before he started feeling the stirrings of unconsciousness.

He wasn’t asleep yet, though.

Light heard L pause beside him, and then the sound of his laptop clicking shut. The room was now encased in darkness. It was another few minutes before he felt L shift beside him, and begin to lie down. Light relaxed into the bed, pleased that L had decided to put his own needs before his work and settle into bed.

The insomniac was choosing to sleep, once again. Maybe this was a sign that something good was to come. Change wasn’t necessarily bad.

Or maybe it didn’t mean anything at all, and the detective was merely bored and had nothing left to stimulate his mind.

Before Light could ponder too much on the subject, his train of thought was immediately halted when he felt L sidle up next to him. It couldn’t have been accidental, but he kept his eyes closed and breath even.

He was so close to falling asleep, it wasn’t as if he was really pretending. L shifted a bit more, the chain between them jingling quietly as he rolled onto his side. Light was on his own side, facing the detective, but with his eyes closed he was unable to tell just how close their faces were.

He felt a warm hand brush against his side, an innocent enough gesture that nearly made Light suck in a gasp. The hand was hesitant, almost waiting, before L drew even closer to press his face into the crook of Light’s neck. His hand moved upward, and he draped his arm over Light’s waist to pull him flush against him.

It was awkward for many reasons, and thrilling for countless others. Namely, he was wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts and L had no qualms with entangling their legs.

Light was frozen, not out of fear but out of confusion. This didn’t make sense. L wasn’t a tender person, he had no reason to be holding Light as if he were the most important thing in the world. He couldn’t stop himself from shuddering a shaky breath.

L immediately drew away. Not completely, as their legs and fronts were still touching beneath the covers, but he was no longer holding him. Light regretted the loss of contact, despite his confusion. While unfamiliar, it felt safe. Now he felt cold, even in his bed, even in the small space they currently shared.

Light swallowed thickly, pulse quickening in his throat, and brought himself closer to L once again. He didn’t know why he wanted it, this closeness, but he knew the yearning he felt was real. It had to be, since he’d never felt it before and had nothing else to compare it to.

L’s breath, still smelling of his cupcake flavored toothpaste, fanned over Light’s face, brushing his bangs out of his eyes. Light couldn’t see his expression, but he assumed it was on the cusp between startled and unnerved. L’s hand returned to Light’s side, hesitantly sliding around him until his arm was once again pulling the other boy close. His other hand, curled into a fist at his front, reached to touch Light’s hair.

He moved his fingers through the tresses in a soothing fashion, gently brushing and pushing it away from his forehead. Light leaned forward into the gentle touch, rendered mostly immobile in L’s one-armed embrace.

“Light..” L whispered, voice but a whisper ghosting over Light’s lips. Light nearly trembled, which was completely at odds with how he usually conducted himself. He’d never trembled, never felt so weak around anyone before.

L continued, “Light, I must apologize in advance, but there is something that I’d like to try.”

He felt, rather than saw L lean closer to his face. He was radiating heat in waves, his nervousness palpable. Light felt uneasy in the presence of a nervous L. He didn’t have any protests to voice, so he simply nodded against his pillow.

L must’ve seen it, even in the dismal light, because he finally closed the distance and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to Light’s forehead. It lasted for only a few seconds, and then L pulled away. Light could feel the spot where L’s lips touched his face, burning as if licked by fire.

“What was that?” Light asked quietly, voice raw and the most exposed it had ever been. The arm around his waist disappeared again, and L offered a few inches of distance as he shimmied back. He radiated an aura of shame, which served to feed into Light’s anxieties. “L, what was that?”

“A kiss.” L said, his own voice adopting a strained quality. “I realize that it was inappropriate, given our current situation, and that you hadn’t given me express permission. I’m sorry.”

Light’s heart stuttered in his chest. This was unfamiliar territory for him. He was a mere boy of eighteen, with only a small amount of past love interests to speak of.

He’d never had a real girlfriend, as he didn’t believe Misa had ever truly counted. The two girls before her only ever cared for his good looks or his stellar grades, each hoping to gain something from him rather than give and receive. Neither of those relationships lasted more than a week.

He was at a loss on how to proceed. L had started to withdraw even more, rolling onto his back. Light stopped him with a hand on his arm, gripping him above the cuff around his wrist.

“Why are you sorry?” Light asked, gently pulling L’s arm back around himself. It startled a breath out of the detective, but he didn’t protest. Light could feel the other’s heartbeat hammering against his chest.

He wrapped his own arm around L’s middle, mirroring his hold. He was feeling brave.

“Because I acted on impulse—“

“You gave me plenty of warning.” Light interrupted quietly. Something mischievous stirred inside him, then, and he smiled a little. “I’m just surprised that your aim is so terrible.”

L’s breath caught.

“Pardon?” He asked, voice slightly pitched up in alarm. Light felt a bit giddy upon hearing the comical sound, and laughed a little under his breath.

“You were aiming to kiss my mouth, right?” He asked, almost in a teasing manner. The nerves he had been experiencing earlier were replaced with a sort of weightless elation. Was this flirting? It had to be, given the context.

Light, while naturally charming, wasn’t naturally flirtatious.

While he couldn’t see, he could try to envision L’s shocked expression. Light took the opportunity to close the gap between them, pressing his lips fully against the other’s. It didn’t take long for something to click in L’s brain before he was fervently kissing back, pushing himself up to lean over the younger man.

Light moved his arms to wrap around L’s shoulders, dragging the metal chain with them. He felt L’s tongue prodding at his lips and he gladly allowed it entrance into his mouth. L was surprisingly domineering in his administrations, which only served to feed the fire in Light’s gut.

He let out a pleased sigh, and they broke heated kiss only briefly before L started attacking Light’s neck with bites and licks.

It was the furthest Light had ever gotten, as far as kisses went, and his head was positively spinning with the new sensations. He locked his fingers through L’s messy raven hair, pulling slightly as he let out a shaky whine.

L moved back up to Light’s face and placed a much gentler kiss to his swollen lips. One hand traced the sharp edges of Light’s angular face, and the other kept himself propped over the younger man. He then pulled away, slightly, before once again placing a kiss to Light’s forehead.

Light was panting slightly, twitching beneath L’s towering form. He was being pressed into the mattress by the other’s weight, and he found that he didn’t mind in the slightest.

“L..”He whispered hoarsely. He felt L’s hand leave his face to search for something in his jeans pocket. He then heard a metal clink, and felt his silver cuff fall away from his wrist. If he hadn’t been in that euphoric state, he would’ve been rendered speechless by that act alone.

L kissed him again, softly on the cheek before finding his lips once more.

“Handcuffs are no longer necessary when we’re alone.” L said by way of explanation, removing his own cuff before tossing them haphazardly over his shoulder and onto the floor. He let himself relax into the bed beside Light, pulling him against his chest. Light was as limp as a rag doll and was easily maneuvered.

“Perhaps my judgement’s been impaired, but I’m finding it increasingly difficult to watch you through a critical lens.” L’s voice was soft, and he ran his slender fingers across the ridge of Light’s spine. 

Light’s blood was singing and he felt as if he were coming undone under L’s gentle ministrations. He buried his face into L’s neck, clinging to him as he stroked his back like one would a cat’s. He didn’t say anything, as there wasn’t really anything left to say. It was late, and Light was exhausted.

“Sleep now, Light.” L whispered into his hair, pulling Light that much closer in his hold. “You’ve had a long day. We can talk more about this in the morning.”

Light, needing no further prompting, did exactly as he was told and fell asleep after a few minutes of hushed breathing.

—

The next morning Light was awoken with a kiss. He blinked the sleep from his eyes, tired brain needing to take a minute before delving into his memory of the night before.

L was kissing him, and it felt more normal than anything else going on in his life. He kissed back automatically, the thrill of something new and exciting happening to him filling his young heart with vigor.

The kiss didn’t last long, nor was it heated, but it left Light breathless. What was becoming of him, he had to wonder. And if he liked the way it felt, then did it really matter? L was the first to pull away, as he was the one who had started it, and gave Light an almost wistful smile.

“Good morning to you too.” Light said, fingers locked at the base of L’s neck to keep him in place. He grinned up at him from under his fan of eyelashes, the low lighting of the room doing wonders for L’s expression.

“It seems I’m no longer able to control myself around you.” L said, the words seeming to pour out of his mouth of their own accord. He swallowed, licked his lips and continued speaking in a hushed whisper. “I don’t know how this happened.”

Light stared up at L, at the raw emotion in his hallow eyes, and felt something inside his chest go soft. He realized it was his affection for the older man, all encompassing and it filled him with a sense of right-ness. He was at just as much of a loss as L was.

“I don’t know, either.” Light said quietly, and he loosened his fingers to run them over L’s neck and fist themselves into his messy hair. He decided to take a chance, and he felt his pulse quicken with nerves. “I do know that I like you, L. Probably more than I should.”

L quirked his mouth into a grin, pearly white teeth showing just the tiniest bit. How he managed to keep his teeth in such good health was beyond Light.

“I can’t say I know exactly what I feel,” L whispered, bringing his face down to nuzzle against Light’s neck. “But it goes beyond merely ‘liking’ you. I can say that much for certain.”

He pressed a kiss against Light’s throat, earning a startled and embarrassed gasp from Light, straight from the source. His kissed the same spot again, gently this time, and began to lick across the skin languidly.

“Are you trying to one-up me?” Light asked breathlessly, his words missing their usual bite to them as he craned his head to allow L further purchase. L breathed heavily against Light’s neck, causing the younger man to shudder beneath him.

“Of course not, Light-kun.” L said, pulling back once again. He was smiling fully, and it touched his eyes. “I was only speaking my mind. There’s no need to compete.”

Light eyed L knowingly, a single perfectly groomed eyebrow raising in disbelief. The detective was competitive to a fault, even during the most mundane activities. This couldn’t have been an exception.

“Sure.” Light said tonelessly. L’s eyes remained locked on his. He cleared his throat. “Uh, what time is it, anyway?”

“A little after 6:15.” Was L’s immediate response. Light wanted to laugh, so he did, albeit quietly. “I had originally intended to wake you quickly, but it seems I got a little carried away.”

L sat back on his haunches, allowing Light the space he needed to sit up and stretch out his tired muscles. He then looked down at his chest and felt his mouth go dry. He had a few hickeys littered across his otherwise flawless skin.

He felt his face heat up instantly.

“L, please tell me you didn’t leave any bite-marks on my neck!” He nearly shouted as he touched his throat with trembling fingers. L grinned at him impishly, and all fuzzy feelings drained from Light, forgotten in the heat of his embarrassment. “L, for God’s sake, my father works with us! What the hell is he going to think?!”

“Light, please don’t work yourself up over something I have had yet to confirm.” L said placatingly. Light narrowed his eyes.

“So you’re saying that you DIDN’T an obvious hickey where literally everyone at work could see it?” He asked, not allowing any hope to bleed into his voice. L hesitated, and that was enough.

“Hmm, not in those exact words, no.”

“L!!” Light snapped, falling back into the bed with a distressed groan. He buried his face in his hands, and rolled onto his side in a pathetic heap. “I take everything I just said back. I hate you.”

L laid a comforting hand on his bare shoulder.

“If it’s of any consolation, I believe you own a rather flattering turtleneck sweater that will cover them up quite nicely.”

“I’m going to bite you in the face.” Light hissed, not missing L’s use of the plural. He didn’t reject the other’s contact, though, and L began to rub soothing circles agains his arm. 

“I was beginning to wonder just how docile Light-kun really was.” L said offhandedly. “It seems that he has quite a bit of a temper when provoked.”

“Thanks for the info.” Light muttered darkly, removing his hands from his face to gently prod the bruises over his chest. They didn’t really hurt, but they looked angry and it was obvious what had happened for him to earn them. “I’m going to take a shower.”

He nearly forgot about the handcuffs left prone on the floor. Being without them for any length of time was novel.

L followed him to the bathroom, as was customary due to his constant surveillance of the other. Light had a feeling that he was accompanying him for other reasons, now, since there wasn’t anything physically holding them together while in the confines of their room. It sent a pleasant tingle running down his spine.

When they entered the bathroom, the extent of L’s damage to his person was plain as day. There were a couple of small, bite-sized bruises on Light’s throat, almost conveniently placed in a spot that would be difficult to hide. There were another few on his collar bone and left pectoral. The rest of his skin was as pristine as ever, left completely unmarred.

Light sighed and ignored his reflection, instead heading for the shower cubicle. L sat down on the stool provided just outside of it, perched awkwardly atop it like a gargoyle on its post. Light turned on the tap, quickly shed his boxers and stepped under the spray of blissfully hot water.

He took his time, washing his hair and body thoroughly before turning the water off. He wiped stray droplets away from his eyes, and his vision was immediately overtaken by something white and fluffy. A towel.

“Thanks.” Light mumbled, grabbing the proffered towel from L’s outstretched hand. The other man was standing just outside glass door, head raised skyward as if to offer Light a semblance of privacy. He dried himself quickly and wrapped the towel around his waist.

There was a set of clothes sitting for him on the countertop. Light assumed that L had called Watari for them, seeing as it was doubtful that L had left him alone in the bathroom for any length of time. Regardless of their relationship to one another, Light was still a Kira suspect in L’s eyes.

Light tried not to feel bitter about it. He dressed his lower half, back turned to the detective, and worked on drying his hair. When he turned around, all of his thoughts halted in their tracks as he noticed L’s leering eyes on his upper body.

He blushed a little, but was still able to manage a little smirk. 

“Like what you see?” Light asked coyly, adopting a flirtatious smile as he gave the other a more frontal view. L’s fingers twitched at his sides, his toes curling and uncurling against the wet bathroom tile. His pupils were blown wide, making his already impossibly black eyes that much darker.

“Yes.” L replied, stepping forward to press a kiss against the underside of Light’s jaw. Light swallowed audibly, and L gave another kiss to his ear, wrapping his spindly arms around Light’s waist.

All pretenses of flirtation were abandoned as Light melted against the other, allowing him to kiss at his neck to his heart’s desire. He didn’t care about the additional hickey forming at his jugular, he just wanted more of whatever he was feeling.

Light’s lips were captured when he let out a gasp, and soon found himself being pressed bodily against the countertop where his green turtleneck sat, forgotten. He wrapped his arms around L’s shoulders, pulling him close as his mouth was essentially brutalized by the other’s teeth and tongue.

“L,” Light breathed as the detective bit down on his bottom lip, hard enough to sting but not enough to draw blood. His mind was swimming, inklings of pleasure from their prolonged contact setting his nerve endings ablaze. He thought his heart was going to explode, truly, even though he knew that it wasn’t possible.

L’s fingers traced patterns into Light’s lower back, causing the other to squirm in ticklishness and poorly concealed want. L hummed into the kiss, sending vibrations straight to Light’s gut, heat pooling even lower.

“L,” Light tried again, fingers knotting themselves into the other’s hair. His breath didn’t come easy to him, and he knew he must look completely disheveled. L pulled away, seeming to admire his work, and he was most certainly pleased with the result. “I need to finish getting dressed.”

“That’s a shame.” L said, a rueful smile adorning his lips. His face was completely red, which was a far cry from his usual pasty complexion. Light could understand feeling rueful after seeing what had become of L. He wished he had kept his mouth shut, busied it with something else rather than talking. “But you’re right.”

He released Light from his hold. Light felt a distinct lack of stability and balance on his own end, and cursed himself for being so easily overpowered. His knees were a little weak, and he reached beside him to pull the sweater over his head.

It was comfortable, but did little to cover his most recent love-bite on his jugular.

“Shit.”

L did a rather poor job of covering his smug grin behind his hand. Light doubted that he was even trying to be subtle. He turned an angry glare towards L, adjusting the collar of his sweater.

“I can have Watari procure you some concealer, if you wish.” L offered, tone oh so helpful and accommodating. Light wanted to shove him and watch him slip on the tile.

“You do that.” Light snapped before storming out of the bathroom, a strange mixture of irritated fondness for the detective plaguing his insides like a disease. He heard L make the call as he followed him out of the bathroom and into their bedroom.

It was 7am, and things were already vastly different between them.

When Watari arrived a half hour later with Light’s concealer, the handcuffs were already firmly back in place. It was as if nothing untoward had happened between the two of them. The older man didn’t seem to concerned with his employer’s odd request, which posed a question.

Was he aware of what had transpired the night before? Or even a half hour ago? It didn’t seem that way, which only served to raise Light’s suspicion. Maybe Watari was pretending to be none the wiser in order to save face, much like Light was.

He hoped against all hopes that it wasn’t so, and that Watari hadn’t seen anything at all even though it was his job to be an all-knowing spectator. He was in charge of the security footage, and Light knew that there were cameras and mics throughout their apartment in addition to the rest of the building.

Light’s palms began to sweat as the older gentleman handed him his tiny plastic shopping bag.

Watari left with the promise of tea waiting for them on the investigation floor, along with breakfast. They were having a late start as it was, so they’d be eating in the office so as to not waste any more time. 

L insisted that he be the one to cover Light’s hickeys. Light didn’t understand why he was so adamant about it, but he allowed it anyway. L applied it much the same way that someone would apply medicine to a burn or a scrape, and was extremely gentle in doing so.

It wasn’t a seamless fix, but it was far less noticeable than it had been a few minutes prior. L blew on it a little, maybe to help it dry, but it was more likely that he was simply trying to get a reaction out of Light. Too bad for him, since Light was having none of it.

“Thanks.” He sighed, adjusting his collar once again. He hated turtlenecks, and loathed that he had to wear one inside of the stuffy, over-heated building. He only owned the one he was wearing because it had been a birthday gift from Sayu, and she was also well aware of his distaste for them. He gave the chain a little tug, and started walking towards the door.

“Let’s go, then.”

L trailed after him loyally, even going so far as to grab Light’s sleeve and hold it for the duration of their trip to the investigation floor. As Watari had promised, a fresh pot of tea was waiting for them at their shared desk, along with their breakfasts.

They ate quickly, began their work, and soon enough 8:30 rolled around along with the rest of the task force. No one had noticed Light’s change of wardrobe, and no one commented on the newly charged energy between him and L.

Work was steady, in that it was uneventful and uninspired. It remained the same as it had for the last month, and when L had finally grown bored of the monotony he sent the task force home early for the second time. It was better received this time around, and at 5:30 Light and L were alone once more.

L wasted no time in hauling Light to his feet, and proceeded to drag him out of the room by his hand. Light protested the manhandling, wondering what exactly L was up to. He received his answer in the form of a heated kiss the moment the doors to their apartment were sealed closed behind them.

Light was pressed heavily against the door the moment he kissed back, L’s hands fisting the front of his sweater almost possessively. The cuffs fell to the floor in a tangled heap of metal. L was practically licking at his skin, delving his tongue into Light’s willing mouth with flourish.

Light was later informed about the cameras being disabled in their rooms. L had taken the liberty of doing so himself from the inside a few nights ago. Light almost laughed at the admission, but he was relieved that at least some part of the situation had been taken care of.

He was still unclear if Watari knew the reasons behind L’s actions, but he found that he didn’t care. Without prying eyes or wandering ears, he was able to completely let go and allow himself to be worshipped.

The week proceeded that way.

Light and L would take their breaks in secrecy, hiding away in every blind spot they could when they couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. Light never got to act like a real teenager before, as it would’ve surely sent his parents into a tizzy, so the act of sneaking around like a couple of kids was extremely appealing to him.

L was always so careful with him, even when he was being “aggressive.” If he bit, it was quickly soothed with a kiss. He never scratched or bruised in any other way, and Light was reduced to putty in his hands.

L could destroy with those hands of his, if he wanted to, but instead he chose to build Light up with tender affection.

Light could feel the ground under his feet beginning to crumble.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> put a review in my pocket, and get outta here 
> 
> see y’all next week !!


	8. Capture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok hello everyone !! I know this is another early chapter hdhdh I wanted to post it to get it out of the way because... this is my absolute least favorite chapter I’ve worked on thus far, solely because it was so difficult.
> 
> it’s been gutted, reworked and rearranged so many times 8’3c 
> 
> just as a forewarning, there’s a significant amount of watered-down canon content ahead, so the pacing is gonna be a little iffy. after this we’ll be almost entirely in AU territory and then it’ll all be fair game B) 
> 
> also we have a QUICK blink-and-you’ll  
> -miss-it look into Higuchi’s POV so y’all can get another taste of what the death notes influence looks like 
> 
> sorry if this chapter isn’t up to par !! Ive explained my reasons so pwease don’t beat me up I’m so fucking fragile. I’d lose any fight and that’s a promise 
> 
> xoxo
> 
> jessie

_September 7th, 2004– Noon_

The sound of contended, feminine humming was a familiar one in Light’s ears as the heavy, sound-proof doors to the investigation room swung open. The busy chatter of the room settled down into a quiet hush as Misa proudly strode inside, chin held high confidently. Papers rustled in busy hands, files were stacked into their proper piles, and more than a few task force members sent curious looks in her direction.

Some were more agitated than others.

Misa was closely flanked by her escort, Watari. The elderly gentleman was rolling in a tray of snacks, right on schedule. And nestled between Misa’s own slender hands was a hand-made lunch for her and Matsuda to share.

Light, finding himself a little curious, paused in his work and watched Misa’s movements closely from the corner of his eye. She walked gracefully over to Matsuda’s desk, her black velvet dress billowing out behind her like an elegant formal gown. Her painted lips stretched into a genuinely happy smile and her eyes, speckled with flecks of golden sunshine, were glinting brilliantly beneath the harsh fluorescent lights. 

“Good afternoon, Matsui-san!” Misa greeted brightly, her lace-clad fingers folded firmly around the knot of her cotton-wrapped parcel. Light watched as Matsuda smiled in return from his computer. It was a large and goofy smile, sitting almost crookedly on his handsome face.

Light thought the older man looked almost love-struck as he observed the exchange from over his shoulder.

“Misa-Misa has made you something very special for lunch today~” Misa chirped, boasting proudly as she bounced on the balls of her feet. She tittered on animatedly, sliding into the unoccupied chair at Matsuda's desk with an air of familiarity. Light turned back to his computer as Matsuda gave an elated cheer, no longer content to watch their domestic display unfold from the sidelines.

Watari steered the overwhelming pile of food to where Light and L were steadfastly working. The array was both impressive and daunting in its size, and Light had to wonder when exactly Watari had the time to bake everything. Cookies, cakes and muffins were stacked in an almost uniform chaos, a sea of color in their otherwise monochrome setting. Amongst the confectionary were a few leafy bits, a more savory selection of snacks that was undoubtedly intended for himself. Watari parked the tray to L’s left and poured them each a cup of tea.

Light hadn’t even noticed the tea set over the small mountain of food.

“Thank you, Watari-san.” He said gratefully as the porcelain cup was surrendered into his waiting hands. Watari nodded politely in kind and proceeded to prepare L’s cup of tea. It was something he rarely did these days.

“Will there be anything else, sir?” Watari asked cordially, hands clasped firmly behind his back. L took a sip of his tea, nose wrinkling imperceptibly at the acrid flavor, and hummed thoughtfully as he added more sugar to his beverage.

Watari raised a brow at the action. He’d prepared the tea as he normally did, exactly the way L typically demanded it, and it _still_ wasn’t sweet enough. 

“Yes. Keep your eye on Matsuda-san and Amane-san for me.” L replied, looking up from his cup as he began stirring in the additional sugar granules. At Watari’s dubious expression, he elaborated. “I’m doubtful that anything noteworthy is going on between the two them, but I would like to be sure just in case. They seem rather close.”

 _Hypocrite!_ Light thought with a silent cackle. L was a complete and total hypocrite! It was hilarious.

Watari didn’t comment on the smirk that suddenly overtook Light’s usually mild expression. 

“Very well, Ryuuzaki.” He assented, bowing dutifully before taking his leave. Light assumed Watari was headed towards the monitoring room to review the security tapes. It was a needless effort on his part, though, seeing as the only thing going on between Misa and Matsuda was a tentative companionship at most.

Once the room settled down a bit, Soichiro announced that he and the rest of the task force were going to grab a couple of pizzas from the local pizza parlor. It was within walking distance from HQ, nearly ten minutes away, and if they were fast about it then they'd return in less than half an hour. L waved his hand around dismissively, not bothering to look away from his monitor as his team clamored to their feet. Soichiro pursed his lips at the lack of professionalism, but didn't comment on it. 

They left with an amiable chatter, Aizawa and Mogi now in significantly higher spirits with the promise of food waiting for them just over the horizon. When the office doors swung closed behind them, all that could be heard amongst the now-deafening silence was Matsuda and Misa’s bubbly conversation. 

As Light was about to bite into his food, he felt a sharp tug on his shirtsleeve. He cast an annoyed glare in L's direction, as he hadn’t had much in the way of breakfast that morning and was rightfully starving. He had a grumpy complaint sitting on his tongue, and he was ready to snap if he had to put off feeding himself for another second.

He hadn't been expecting L's molten gaze when they locked eyes, although he knew he should've seen it coming. Any irritation he felt was immediately flushed from his system, replaced with something far more pressing than the hunger currently gnawing at his gut. He wordlessly set his plate of rice crackers and mixed fruit to the side, rising from his chair as the tension between him and L grew nearly palpable.

L's expression was hungry, almost borderline possessive as he followed suit, scrambling to his feet. He was practically dragging Light away from their desk by his wrist, bypassing the only other occupants of the room completely as he made long, impatient strides to the door. Light almost had to jog to keep up with L's hurried pace through the empty corridor. They were quickly approaching the elevator at the end of the hall, and the sight was relieving. Although L was demonstrating a great deal of patience at the moment, his grip around Light's wrist tightened fractionally when he pressed the up button.

Light allowed himself to be guided into the elevator and watched in amusement as L fiddled with the control switch. The elevator ascended a few floors, shuddered a bit and then slowed to a halt. Without preamble, L surged forward and kissed Light out of view of the blinking camera. There was a tightness in Light's chest as he was pinned into the corner just beneath it, but the feeling quickly abated when L began carding his fingers through his auburn hair. He could almost hear the popping of L's spine as he straightened his back.

They had just under 20 minutes before the others returned. Light returned L's kisses fervently, fingers curling into the front of L’s white t-shirt. He kept tugging him closer until there was no longer a distinguishable line separating their bodies. The chain connecting their wrists rattled noisily against their thighs, their arms unable to keep still for longer than a few seconds at a time.

Light felt like he was being eaten alive, and he loved it.

They arrived back to the investigation floor before their allotted time limit ran out. Light was even able to eat the rest of his lunch before the other task force members returned with their boxes of heavy, greasy pizza. 

Light felt a childish sense of satisfaction rise in him. He’d never considered himself the type to dabble in teenage rebellion before, but now he felt a little addicted. His skin was still buzzing from where L touched him just minutes before.

When the lunch hour ended, Light heard Misa bid Matsuda a heartfelt farewell. Watari was waiting for her at the door, ready to escort her back to her apartment.

Light, in a rare show of nonchalance, rested his chin in his hand as he continued scrolling through a few online message boards. The websites were all run by avid, frothing Kira-supporters. The sheer amount of pixelated hearts, kittens and glitter intermixed with images of real-life gore was discomforting. 

Light’s stomach clenched painfully as he read through the comments sections of these blogs. It made him physically ill having to pick through the ramblings of the true crime fandom.

What was wrong with these people? They were celebrating the actions of a depraved psychopath. Death was a subject Light had never been too fond of, and these anonymous freaks relished in it as if they truly believed that what Kira was doing was right and just.

They all lamented on Kira’s disappearance, fearing that their God had lost all hope and had given up on his followers.

A small part of Light hoped it was true— that Kira had given up. But he knew that would lead them nowhere. Kira was still out there, biding his time. 

And even if, on the off-chance that Kira had somehow decided to stop killing forever... the past couldn’t be changed. The damage was done. They had to find Kira. Any other option would only be conceding defeat to him. The thought of that alone set Light’s teeth on edge.

Aside from the very obvious need to put an end to Kira's reign, Light still had to clear his name. Not just in the eyes of justice, but in the eyes of L as well. While the two could be viewed as one in the same, L’s opinion of him was infinitely more important to Light. He didn’t want to be looked at through a microscope for the rest of his life, not when he had goals to meet and university waiting for him at the end of the investigation.

Light realized it was selfish, but it was human nature to be think and behave that way. Self preservation was one of the many pathways to success.

So he continued doing what he could for the case, which unfortunately wasn’t much aside from gathering as much information on the victims as possible. It bruised his ego to be so useless, but he persevered. 

It was only a matter of time before Kira struck again.

—

Time, it seemed, was a relative concept, as not even three days later Kira finally emerged from his hiding spot in the shadows to claim yet another victim. While it was surprising that Kira had decided to pop back into existence so suddenly, that wasn’t his timing that caught Light’s attention. It was the fact that Kira’s latest victim wasn’t a criminal that had him so alarmed. 

Junchi Yaibe was the CEO of a large, highly respected bank in Tokyo. His job wasn’t a glamorous one, he wasn’t a celebrity by any means, and so he was rarely talked about in the media. That he had even managed to fall under Kira’s radar was actually quite disturbing.

In truth, Kira had been acting oddly prior to his sudden disappearance back in July, falling out of his usual pattern of predictability. While the majority of his victims had criminal records, none of their crimes committed had been serious enough to warrant death. Not even in a court of law. 

Others had been average, working-class family men. A small percentage of those men had been surprisingly well off, the heads of their own companies. Before Yaibe’s murder, L had almost written off those deaths as cases of _karōshi*_. It was a phenomena unique to Japan, dying due to overwhelming stress, and had seemed far more likely at the time seeing as the style in which they died didn’t fit the typical Kira profile. 

When four more businessmen died in the hours after Yaibe’s passing, it was obvious that that wasn’t the case. Kira was back.

Light could see how affected L was by this. His own inability to predict Kira’s next move was driving him insane. Light sympathized with his plight. To have a criminal that he’d been profiling for nearly nine months change so suddenly... it must’ve been detrimental to his motivation. He looked very nearly depressed.

While the dark aura radiating off of L was concerning, Light knew that he needed to focus on his own work for the sake of the investigation. He frowned a little, feeling guilty over not being able to help L sort out whatever mess was going on in his head. The downward tilt of L’s chin just screamed Please Hug Me. Light was aware that if he made any attempt at comforting him, it’d only go unappreciated. 

His keyboard ticked quietly beneath his steady fingers. He’d work twice as hard, for the both of them.

Light had spent a great deal of time over the last several days converting a list of Kira’s victims into a graph. It was neatly structured, a clear timeline dating back to the monster’s initial rise to fame last November.

Most of the information garnered was from the NPA’s online database, which had been locked up tight behind a thick barrier of codes and firewall. Breaking into the necessary files had been been easy enough, but organizing everything into something legible and linear was time consuming. 

While the data was incomplete, it did manage to confirm that they were dealing with a third Kira and not the first two, after all. Although they each possessed the same ability to kill, they were all reaching towards vastly different goals and the style in which they executed their victims made it obvious.

Domination. Recognition. Wealth. Their only common points were that they were all exceedingly greedy, and more than willing to kill to get what the wanted.

With everything laid out neatly before him, it was obvious that Kira had something personal to gain from all of the blue collar deaths that had taken place prior to his disappearance. L, after looking over his work, had to agree with him. They’d been of the same mindset.

Kira was focused mainly on Japan. He’d continued killing criminals in the first Kira’s stead but went into hiding after he fell into a pattern. 

It wasn’t hard to guess why he had gone silent— he was afraid. Kira was a coward.

Now, though, it seemed that he no longer had any qualms with harming the innocent. Yaibe’s death had merely acted as a catalyst for what was surely to come. For what was already happening.

L deduced that the third Kira was several years older than his predecessors— he was more jaded, more selfish and motivated by corporate greed. A fellow businessman who held those more successful than himself in contempt, who picked away at his competition like a starving vulture over a decaying carcass.

The stock market was in utter shambles, with many businesses falling into the red while others went completely under. Light noticed an anomaly amongst the sea of chaos, an upward spike in profit where everyone else was suffering a major decline.

_The Yotsuba Company._

—

In the weeks that followed, a few things of note happened.

For one, Matsuda had managed to get himself captured by the heads of Yotsuba after breaking into their headquarters while they were having a meeting. Their rashness was enough to cement the theory that Kira was hiding in their midst. L was able to throw together a slapstick rescue mission to get Matsuda back, but it had been far more trouble than it was worth.

It seemed that Matsuda’s ill-advised solo mission had served as an inspiration for Misa as well, as several weeks later she had met up with Kyosuke Higuchi of Yotsuba under the guise of a romantic outing. She was an outstanding actress, and she’d managed to wring a confession out of Higuchi with little more than a few pretty words. Misa had brought a recording device with her, planted it in her purse and manipulated the gullible man into believing that she was the second Kira.

With him under the impression that she was on his side, it had almost been too easy getting him to talk.

Misa had gained his trust. They had evidence against him.

Now they had to devise a plan to fully expose Higuchi, and uncover his method of killing.

—

_Kyosuke Higuchi was a cowardly, rat of a man. That isn’t to say he wasn’t also innately cruel, or hateful, because he most certainly was. He hadn’t hesitated when the death note fell into his lap. He’d been a Kira supporter the moment Japan had given the death god a name, and finding himself faced with the source of his power was a thrilling experience._

_Scoping for criminals to snuff out had been boring, and if he were going to be honest with himself, the vigilante lifestyle didn’t suit him. It didn’t fit his needs or his desires, it only sated his curiosity._

_So he started killing people from his past instead. People who had once made his life difficult, people who succeeded where he failed, and he did it with a smile that almost split his lip in half._

_The physical pull he felt towards the death note was of no concern to him. The shinigami attached to it was the only thing that made him wary— the monster hardly spoke and yet she made it quite clear that she detested him._

_He eventually grew paranoid when the shinigami casually informed him that he was making himself obvious. The pull he felt towards the death note was even more prominent when he locked it away in fear of being caught._

_Weeks had passed without so much as glance to the safe that housed his notebook and they felt like months, years. Higuchi could no longer bear to prolong his separation from his death note, it was practically crying out for his touch. His skin prickled with desire when the tips of his fingers once again came into contact with the notebook’s leather binding._

_Junchi Yaibe’s death had been cathartic for him. The ones that followed only cemented his descent into madness._

_—_

_October 28th, 2004– Sakura TV Station_

They had Higuchi in their custody. It had been embarrassingly easy taking the hysterical man down. 

He had been in his car just outside Sakura TV, a violent storm raging overhead, with a gun pressed to his temple and a threat at his lips. The look in his bloodshot eyes was nothing short of insane, even at a distance. Watari was able to disarm Higuchi with a single shot to the wrist from his spot hidden within their helicopter. L was a surprisingly good pilot, and landed the craft moments later.

On Higuchi’s person was a single, leather-bound black notebook. He spat and seethed at them to keep away from it, writhing uncontrollably on the ground where he lay chained up and prone. His chest was heaving, dark eyes animalistic in their rage as he continued screaming at them to leave his notebook alone.

Soichiro was the first to pick up the book, and he nearly dropped it the second his eyes met something that Light couldn’t see. His eyes were wide with fear, his mouth was agape, and he let out a piercing scream as he fell to the ground. Mogi was the next to hold the book, and he nearly collapsed in fright. 

“T-there’s a monster here!” Soichiro yelled, voice raw with panic. Mogi was searching himself for a weapon, any kind of weapon, and came up short. He still had the notebook clutched in his shaking hand.

Light saw L zero-in on it immediately.

“Bring me the notebook, Moji.” L ordered, being sure to use Mogi’s alias while in the company of the current Kira. Mogi obliged, casting fearful glances over his shoulder as he made his way to L’s helicopter. L reached out for it, fingers brushing against the cover.

Then he looked up, and all the remaining color he had drained from his face. He was shaking like a leaf and he fell out of his usual crouched position in the pilot’s chair. The notebook dropped from his hands, revealing the cover to Light.

 _'Death Note'_  it read in a jagged, gothic scrawl. It was in English, and while the lettering was ugly it was intricately stamped into the soft leather cover. Something about it tickled Light’s brain with familiarity. It was extremely unpleasant, bordering on painful, but there was something lurking inside him that both warned him against the book and urged him to take hold of it.

Without much forethought he reached out and picked it up, time slowing to a crawl around him as his fingers pinched the cover. An electric current shot up his arm, rendering him immobile as white-hot, blazing pain swallowed him whole.

Memories, countless memories with no clear beginning or end were flooding through Light’s brain all at once, filling in the gaps he hadn’t known existed. It was so overwhelming that he was convinced he was going to die.

Was he going to die? The pounding in his head couldn’t be considered normal, he felt like his skull was cracking under the pressure.

_Blood._

He saw blood, and bones and human debris from the first death he ever witnessed up-close. The second death he had ever caused with the stroke of a pen. He could taste the bile in his throat from that night, he remembered how it spilled over the pavement at his feet after he saw all the **_blood_** — Oh god, he’d killed people.

He’d killed so many people.

He was a murderer. He was vile. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to cry and scream and tear out his own heart from behind its protective, bony casing.

_He was Kira._

He was the first Kira, actually, and Misa... Misa was the second Kira. 

He’d done this to her, hadn’t he? He’d doomed her to this fate.

It was all his fault. It hurt so much. It hurt, _it hurt, it hurt, **it hurt**_ —

Light could taste blood on his tongue, filling his mouth and cascading down his throat like a river. His ears were ringing, like bells only louder, and he soon realized that the ringing in his ears was due to his own piercing shriek of agony. The screams wouldn’t stop. They were tearing his vocal chords to shreds.

His eyes rolled into the back of his head as his body began to tremble uncontrollably. He started to see spots in his vision, he no longer had control over his jaw and the way it chattered mercilessly, threatening to cut off his tongue. 

“He’s having a seizure!” He heard L yell from beside him, but it sounded muffled in Light’s ears. More liquid copper entered his mouth, and he was vaguely aware of a sharp pain in his lower lip. He had bitten into it, probably straight-through if the gallons upon gallons of blood filling his stomach and lungs were anything to go by. 

Light felt his head being lowered onto something soft and wet. When had he fallen to the ground? It was damp beneath his back, soaking into his clothes and matting his hair to his scalp. Light felt the presence of two people at his sides, now, but he wasn’t aware enough to chance a guess as to who they were.

He was starting to black out. The death note was beside him, beneath his quivering hand. A piece of its binding ripped off, and he clenched it into his fist when unconsciousness finally found him. 

The last thing he saw was the shinigami, Rem, standing over him with an impassive look on her gaunt, skeletal face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Karōshi = literal translation is “overwork death.” It’s actually a super common way to die in Japan due to their society’s rigerous work ethic, and it isn’t seen nearly as often outside the country. it’s really sad. one of the most prominent examples I can think of is Kaneki’s mom from Tokyo Ghoul, which made me cry lol
> 
> please... leave a review uwu


	9. Remembrance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys !! here’s the long-awaited identity reveal uwu
> 
> trigger warning for panic attacks and brief depictions of self harm near the end. 
> 
> this chapter is a bit over the place lol, sorry !! but I actually really liked working on this one. minimal editing was involved toward the end so I hope the writing quality is consistent. I focused more on fixing the beginning since that was the part that needed the most work ancnfb
> 
> please enjoy !! it’s a slightly longer one 8)
> 
> xoxo
> 
> jessie

_October 30th, 2004_

—

_Everything around him was dark and stagnant. For a fleeting moment, it was peaceful state to be in. There was nothing and no one, just an empty mental space that simultaneously stretched far beyond the light within him and coiled tightly around it. Snuffing it out like a thick blanket over the flame of a candle._

_The darkness was no longer peaceful. It was suffocating, pulling him deeper into the trenches of his psyche like a weighted chain wrapped around his ankles. He heard a distant scream, somewhere far far away, and it was muffled by something wet and metallic. Taste was the only one of his senses that he could rely on, and the flavor that coated his tongue sparked familiarity in the back of his mind._

_He was no longer floating._

_He was drowning in a murky sea of blood._

—

Light awoke to a hand holding his own. He wasn’t fully conscious of it, he only noticed that his palm felt warm and was slightly sweaty. His eyes screwed firmly closed, foggy brain unwilling to allow the light glaring down on his face to rouse him further.

The hand currently claiming ownership over his fingers tightened its grip protectively, almost possessively. Light let out a small, pained groan in the back of his throat but squeezed back experimentally. His grip was weak, like a child’s, and it was so pitiful that he almost laughed in delirious frustration.

His eyelids felt like sandpaper against his sensitive eyes. He struggled to open them fully at first, blinking away the dryness and sleep and the brightness of his surroundings for a good minute before his vision finally came into focus. There was a mop messy black hair beside him. A pair of too-round, owlish, _worried_  eyes stared into his own with such focus that it immediately snapped Light into reality.

He took in the expression he saw on L’s pallid face. Light stared back silently, his own expression a broken mess of realization and horror as the seconds stretched into minutes. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. His throat was tight. It was nearly impossible to breathe.

Light, unable to speak, unable to breathe, unable to fully grasp the situation at hand due totrauma he’d endured, dissolved into inconsolable tears.

L was close beside him, crouched in a small plastic chair directly beside the hospital bed Light was occupying. The room was stark, sterile and white. It was evident that they weren’t in a hospital, although the atmosphere did allow that thought to pass. They were likely back at HQ, on an undisclosed floor in an undisclosed room.

Light’s unoccupied hand was closed into a tight fist. Inside of it was a scrap of the death note’s leather binding, keeping his memories preserved through the constant contact.

“Light...” L said, breaking through Light’s sobbing with a surprisingly gentle voice. He rubbed tiny circles into the back of Light’s hand with his thumb. “Light, please, you need to tell me what’s wrong.”

Light’s cries only grew louder in volume and he quickly tore his hand away from the detective’s tender grasp to cover his tear stained face. He shook his head desperately, beginning to hyperventilate.

“I’ve done something terrible..” Light said miserably, shrinking into the bed. The effort to breathe was becoming too much for him. He then began to shout, tearing at his hair with his free hand. “I’ve done something unforgivable, L! I’m a m-monster!”

Light was a complete wreck. His voice was raw, words barely decipherable over his crying. There was a tingling sensation in the crook of his neck, running down his right arm and sides, and he realized too-late that he was having a full-blown panic attack. It was already in motion, and nothing could stop it from running its course.

The heart monitor at his bedside started beeping erratically, and L surged forward to grab Light’s shoulders.

“Light!” He called desperately as the younger man grasped his chest. Light’s hands were glued to his heart, pressing down desperately as if the pressure alone would abate the thumping in his chest. “Light, you need to breathe. Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm.”

Light whimpered, biting back the rest of his tears, and tried to do just that. It didn’t quell the burning, stinging sensation in his neck and arm, but his lungs felt fuller and it helped begin the relaxing process. His breath stuttered a little, and his body felt weak and hot all over.

When he opened his eyes again, they were sore and surely bloodshot. L was kneeling on the bed beside him, hands still clutching his shoulders. His eyes were terrified, wide and red-rimmed from lack of sleep and emotional turmoil

“Light.” L whispered. He kept saying his name, as if trying to ground him to reality. “Please, tell me what you remember.”

“..Remember?” Light asked softly, a far cry from his normal, almost arrogant way of speaking. L gave him a desperate look.

“There are no cameras in here.” He said, trailing his hands down to hold Light’s bare wrists. The chain was gone again. L had been true to his word, and took the cuffs off when they were alone. “No one else is listening in. You have my word, Light; what we speak of right now won’t reach anyone else’s ears.”

Light had no hope of remaining silent after that. The dam broke, exposing all of his terrible misdeeds to one of the few people he truly cared for. If he was going save L from the fate he had planned out for him, then he needed to act quickly.

“Have you spoken to the shinigami?” Light asked lowly, his closed off sinuses affecting his ability to speak and annunciate clearly. L shook his head.

“It disappeared shortly after our arrival back at HQ.” L replied in the same, hushed tone. He didn’t look at all surprised that Light had known what the creature was. Light nodded fractionally, head barely moving against the fluffy down pillow supporting his neck. He took a shuddering breath, and locked his eyes with the detective’s.

“Good. We don’t have a lot of time.”

“Time for what?” L asked, suddenly, rightfully cautious. His eyes were knowing, but held an element of disbelief to them. Light felt a strong sense of self-loathing pulse through his chest. His skin felt wrong on his body.

“L,” Light said, wrapping his fingers around the other’s hand in a weak imitation of a hand-hold.His voice broke pathetically as he continued. “I need to tell you that you were right about me.”

L’s eyes widened as clarity overtook them. It seemed as if he were seeing Light for the first time. He didn’t remove his hand from Light’s— in fact, he moved closer to better hear his story.

“I’ll have to ask that you elaborate, Light.” L said. Light knew that he wasn’t going to make it easy for him, but he also knew that he deserved a more severe interrogation for what he was about to say. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Something broken inside Light shattered, leaving no protective barrier behind. He was raw, at his most primal, and if he weren’t currently being held down by the detective he likely would’ve begun self destructing. His heart felt heavy and black in his chest, the rest of his humanity rotting away.

“I’m Kira.” Light whispered, fist tightening around the scrap of the death note in his hand. “In my watch, the one my father gave me.. I’ve kept a piece of the death note’s paper inside of it.”

“You’ve only just remembered this.” L said. It wasn’t an accusation. He seemed to be trying to understand him, which was something Light never would’ve imagined possible. 

He nodded.

“Yes.” Light said. “I’m sure you’ve looked through the death note that you’ve obtained from Higuchi. You saw the names, and the rules listed on the inside cover.”

“I did.” L said. “So I’m to assume that the notebook is the weapon Kira used to kill?”

“The weapon that _I_ used to kill.” Light corrected dully. “And you would be correct in your assumption. However, a few of those rules were forged by me. You won’t die if you destroy the death note after touching it, for example. I made that up so I would be able to keep my memories after the death of the third Kira.”

“Higuchi is still alive.” L said. “You planned on killing him?”

“I did.” Light said. “The only way to regain ownership over the death note is if its current owner gives it up willingly, or dies. I kept a scrap of the death note inside of my watch in preparation for that day. But I didn’t get that far.”

“Is that why you have a piece of the death note in your palm?” L asked, moving his fingers to graze against Light’s closed fist. Light nodded.

“If I let go of it, my memories of being Kira and owning the death note will disappear.” He said. “I can’t allow myself to forget again. I won’t.”

“Light—“

“You cannot trust the shinigami Rem!” Light cut in desperately. “She helped me devise a plan to kill you in the event that you were to hurt or endanger Misa.”

“Amane-san? So she is the second Kira, after all.”

“You can’t hurt her.” Light said, voice wavering. “It’s my fault that she went as far as she did. She’s a victim of Kira as well, only in a very different sense—”

“Light.” L said gently, interrupting Light’s self deprecation. “In order to properly go about fixing this, and to figure out where I stand, I need you to tell me how you first came across the death note.”

Light recounted everything to him, laying himself bare and bloody before the other man. The day the notebook fell, the test runs he gave the notebook when curiosity overcame him, the changes in his psyche as he continued to use the notebook against his better judgement.

The deaths of the criminals, the unfortunate deaths of Raye Penber and Naomi Misora, the plan to kill L if he ever got in his way— He said it all in a watery voice and the tears continued to flow forth.

L listened to it all. His expression never changed, and he kept his hand clutched within Light’s weakening grip. He tightened his grasp around Light’s lax fingers, not enough to hurt but enough to keep him stable.

Light told him of the location of his second death note, buried in the forest just outside the local park.

“Misa still hasn’t recovered her memories.” Light said. “We need to acquire my second note before that happens. I don’t know what she’ll do if she realizes who she really is.”

“You believe she’ll have the same reaction as you?”

“I believe that there’s something else to the death note that even I don’t know about.” Light said. “My original shinigami, Ryuk, was extremely tight-lipped about its true properties. Higuchi’s death note used to be Misa’s. It can never be allowed to enter her sight. If it does, and she somehow remembers, you’ll be in danger by proxy.”

“Because of the shinigami Rem’s plan.” L intoned. Light nodded regretfully.

“The plan that _I_ came up with, yes.” He said, tone full of remorse. “Rem is in love with Misa and would do anything to protect her. I planned on taking advantage of that, but now I want nothing but for this nightmare to end.”

“You plan to renounce your position as Kira?” L asked suddenly, eyes alert and calculating. Light wanted to sigh.

“That goes without saying, but yes, L.” Light said. “I want nothing more than to fix what I can before I die.”

“I won’t let that happen.” L interjected, voice forceful. Light flinched at the aggressive tone, shrinking into himself. “You aren’t allowed to die, Light Yagami. Not after what you’ve put me through.”

Light had a question at his tongue, but it was smothered by L’s lips pressing against his own in a heated kiss. It was brief, it hurt his damaged lip, and it ultimately left Light feeling confused.

“You are going to fix what you can.” L whispered against Light’s cheek, pressing another kiss there. It was chaste, and tender in its softness. “And then I’m never going to let you leave my side again.”

The shattered remains of Light’s heart turned to dust. Yet, he could still feel it pumping wildly in his throat, causing his vision to swim. What was happening? L was supposed to bring him tojustice, not give him a way out of his punishment.

He _deserved_  to be punished, he _deserved_  to be killed! Why wasn’t L doing what he was supposed to do? Hadn’t he promised that he’d bring Kira’s head back on a platter?

“What about serving justice?” Light asked shakily. “L, you’re not supposed to be doing this!”

“I’m already too far gone for that, Light.” L whispered. He pulled back, and his eyes were filled with an emotion that Light had never seen before. Or maybe he had, but only in small doses— never at its fullest. “As far as the task force is concerned, Kira is now in our custody awaiting proper trial.”

“But I’m the one who started it!” Light yelled, because there wasn’t anything else he could possibly do to get his point across. “Higuchi only attained the death note because I asked Rem to give it to someone like him!”

“That may be so.” L agreed, adjusting his position so he was finally in his signature crouch. He looked far more comfortable, and threaded his finger’s through Light’s. “But it was he who decided to use it. And based on what you’ve told me, it seems that you regret every moment that you spent as Kira.”

“Yes..” Light said, voice just below a whisper. “But it doesn't change a thing, L. I can’t be absolved of my crimes just because I feel bad about it.”

“I believe that there is more to the death note than what it says on the surface.” L said. “If that’s the case, and it somehow held influence over you, then I cannot possibly hand you over to the authorities to receive punishment. That wouldn’t be justice, it would be needlessly cruel.”

“L, you’re making decisions irrationally—“

“You have a beautiful mind.” L interrupted, removing his hand from Light’s to card his fingers through his auburn hair. “It has been damaged, to some degree, due to recent events. But I can still put it to good work after we put you back together.”

Light didn’t know what that meant, but he had a sneaking suspicion. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, not when he didn’t deserve it.

He allowed L to continue petting his hair. It was soothing, and calmed his racing pulse. L spoke to him for a while, quietly. It wasn't nonsense, necessarily, but his words and thoughts didn’t correlate with each other, and when strung together they didn’t make much sense. It was the closest to babbling L had ever been.

A few days later, Light was strong enough to be moved to his and L’s bedroom. His father was already there, waiting for him with tears streaming down his rapidly aging face.

Soichiro hadn’t been permitted to see his son since their arrival at HQ. He pulled Light into a fierce hug, weeping into his shoulder. It wasn’t crushing, and it sent Light back to his youth. It hadn’t been that long ago, he realized, when he’d sought out his father for comfort. He allowed himself to be held by Soichiro for a few moments before he was helped into his bed.

The chain binding him to L was never replaced. His wrists were free, save for his right one. The underside of his watch-face had a piece of the death note hastily glued to it, kept in constant contact with his skin. It wasn’t a permanent fix, but Light no longer had to keep it wadded up in his clammy fist so he deemed it good enough.

Soichiro wasn’t an emotionally driven man, but to see him reduced to tears over his son having an unexplained seizure wasn’t as unsettling as you’d imagine. It was more than understandable— he had thought that his son was dying at the hands of Kira. Higuchi had been right there, and they hadn’t yet known his method for killing.

Light let his father hold his hand for what felt like an hour. It was getting late, nearing 11pm, and Soichiro had to go home to the rest of his family. They were unaware that something had happened to him, and were likely worried about Soichiro’s prolonged absence. He’d only told them that something related to the case had come up, and nothing more.

He placed a kiss to Light’s temple, as he had when Light was young and still afraid of the monsters hiding under his bed. This situation wasn’t so different, as Light was still young and he was more than a little terrified of the monster he’d become.

Soichiro left unceremoniously, offering no words to L as he slipped through the door. Watari was waiting just on the other side of it, offering a polite amount of space as he escorted the elder Yagami out of the apartment.

When Light was sure that Watari wasn’t to return, he called for Rem. She emerged from a dark shadow in the corner of the room. She had likely been there the entire time, either waiting to be summoned or waiting to strike.

“Light Yagami.” She intoned lifelessly. Her purple, tendril-like hair quivering atop her head, betraying the surprise that her skeletal face wouldn’t give away. “You seem to have experienced a change of heart. Human, why did you reveal yourself to the one you had originally planned to kill? And what of Misa?”

Her bony, claw-like hands twitched at her side. She had a spare death note on her person, and she seemed willing to use it if she found his answer unsatisfactory.

“Plans have changed, Rem.” Light said from his spot atop the bed. “Acting as Kira no longer interests me, and it’s gotten too dangerous to allow Misa to continue. L is well aware of both of our crimes—however, he is willing to let Misa live a free life, so long as she never retains her memories of the death note or her position as the second Kira.”

Rem’s gaunt, yellow eye stared at Light in utter disbelief. 

“If this is another one of your tricks, Light Yagami, I _promise_  that I will strike you down where you currently sit.”

“That won’t be necessary, Shinigami Rem.” L interjected smoothly, voice dangerously low and acidic. “I assure you that Light-kun speaks nothing but the truth.”

Rem seemed to consider him. She stared at L for a few, unblinking moments, before finally backing off.

“I see.” She said, once again expressionless. “Then if that is the case, I have no further business here.”

“The death note is to remain here.” Light added, slightly withdrawn at the mention of the notebook. “Unfortunately, that means you’re still bound to the human realm. You’re welcome to continue watching over Misa as you see fit, but you aren’t allowed to make her aware of your presence. It’ll jeopardize her safety.”

“I understand.” Rem said. “I do not like Earth, nor do I like its human inhabitants. But I will watch over Misa until the end of her life, for she is the only human worth protecting.”

Light found the saccharine confession oddly touching, even if it was coming from the mouth of a death god. Rem left shortly after, and she wasn’t seen again.

—

Several days later, when Light regained some of his strength, he led L to the burial spot of his second death note. This one would remain in his possession upon its retrieval, as he was its rightful owner.

They made their way into the forest at the edge of the local park, following a twisted and beaten trail for upwards of ten minutes before Light finally found the tree he’d left his death note buried under. He wasted no time and began digging it up, L hovering closely behind. Under a foot of dirt sat a lone, metal box— and nestled within it was a wrapped parcel and a letter addressed to Misa. 

Light saw L’s hand reach for the note but he quickly snatched it and crumpled it up in his hands.

“That’s highly suspicious, Light-kun.” L noted dryly. “It seems you’re trying to hide somethingfrom me.”

“I’ve already bared my soul to you, L— you don’t need to read this stupid letter that I left for Misa nearly five months ago.” Light said, stuffing the crumpled paper deep into his pants pocket. “It doesn’t mean anything. This is more important right now, anyway.”

L hummed noncommittally, fingers picking at the hem of his white shirt. Light sighed inwardly, knowing he was probably in for an earful later. He picked up the parcel and stuck it in his jacket, still wrapped in its beige packaging.

They met Watari at the park’s entrance— he was driving a nondescript, yet glaringly expensive car with black tinted windows. He didn’t ask why his employer had requested he go to such an uncharacteristic place with the still-recovering Yagami. He was aware that L worked in mysterious ways, and there was always a reason behind his actions. 

No matter how strange.

Back in their apartment, Light and L sat atop their bed with the parcel situated between them. Light felt the same, dark pulsations emanating from the concealed weapon of death beside him.

“Can you feel it?” He asked, unthinkingly. L gave him a puzzled look, and slowly shook his head. He placed his thumb against his lips and bit down on the nail. He looked nervous.

“No, I can’t say that I can.” L replied. “What is it that you feel, Light?”

Light swallowed. His palms were sweating uncomfortably, and the air felt hot around him.

“Yearning.” He said honestly. “I feel it beckoning to me. I can’t hear or see anything out of the ordinary, though. It doesn’t make any sense.”

L nodded, sticking his thumb into his mouth briefly before removing it. “It seems that there may be a supernatural element to your connection with the death note.”

“I guess.” Light said doubtfully. “That, or I’ve gone insane.”

“Yes, I suppose there’s always that.” L said, lips quirking into a humorless grin. It then melted into something more genuine. “However, I find that to be highly unlikely.”

Light smiled ruefully before turning his attention back to the parcel at his thigh. He frowned, reaching his unsure hands for the cotton knot keeping the wrappings in place. He peeled them back, revealing a slightly less ornate death note with simple bindings and a minimalistic cover.

It had certainly belonged to Rem, at one point or another. He and L grazed the cover at the same time, and suddenly they weren’t alone anymore.

Ryuk was there, talking loudly to himself and to Light. He was laughing, but it seemed nervous, maybe even irritated. It was hard to tell with such a clownish face, wide purple mouth stretched into a permanentgrin.

“Light, you’ve finally lost your marbles!” He whined in a deep, guttural voice. It pitched up strangely at the end, like a petulant child. His black, tattered wings stretched out behind him and his emaciated arms folded almost comically over his bony chest.

“What happened to the promises of fun, kid?” He asked, floating closer to the rigid teenager. His red, bulging eyes focused on L, who watched him with a fascinated expression. “You’re acting like a predicable human, falling all over the first person to meet your impossible standards. And it’s _this_ weirdo?! How boring~”

The sudden invasion of his personal space, along with a few new sensations such as intense grief and desire upon touching the death note, sent Light into another screaming fit.

This time, however, he felt his mind start to break under influx of newer memories brought forth by touching _his_  death note. He heard the voice, _his_  voice, hissing in his ear. He had failed himself, failed the world, and was no longer worthy of being a God.

Those thoughts weren’t his own. Light didn’t want that for himself, he’d never wanted to be seen as a deity.

He heard Ryuk’s laughter increase over the sound of his own screaming. Light’s hands were clawing at his face, shaking and moistened by his pain-induced tears. L tore his hands away from his face with a frightened, wordless gasp.

Light had blood and broken skin under his fingernails.

It was _blood_ that he had felt underneath his fingertips, not tears. He felt the welts on his face flare up in angry, jagged lines. They criss-crossed over his cheeks and his temples, leaking copious amounts of blood from some of the deeper abrasions.

He began to cry, wrenching his hands from L’s grasp to tear at his hair. Blood was smearing against his shirtsleeves, soaking into the material and staining his face red. His thoughts were warring with one another. The darker voice couldn’t control him, but he could no longer control himself.

Ryuk had gone silent at Light’s display of hysterics.

“Light!” L shouted, not out of anger but out of fear. He tried his best to restrain the struggling boy, and managed to pull him against his chest. L adjusted his position, wrapping both of his legs and arms around Light’s upper half so he couldn’t continue to self-mutilate.

Light struggled against him as hard as he could, but the detective was deceptively strong and his grip was iron-tight. His began to hyperventilate.

“I WANT TO DIE!” He screamed over L’s hurried voice. L was calling for someone on his cellphone. “RYUK, KILL ME!! _LET_ _ME_ _DIE_!!”

“Light, please stop yelling!” L desperately shouted. He threw the death note off of the bed and across the room, away from the suffering boy. Light broke off into another wave of sobs, kicking his legs as if he were being attacked. “Watari is coming to help you. There’s no need to cry, you’re safe.”

“Jeez, Light, you really DID lose your marbles.” Ryuk said, observing the scene from a safe distance. L shot him a venomous glare, which served to silence the death god. 

If looks could kill.

“Would you kindly shut the fuck up, _Shinigami_?” He snapped, tightening his hold on Light as he continued to struggle. “Light, you’re going to hurt yourself more than you already have. Stop making this so difficult.”

“FUCK YOU—!! _LET_ _ME_ _**GO**_!!” Light howled, his barely healed throat tearing itself up once again with the effort it took to scream.

He wasn’t angry at L. He wasn’t angry at all— he was terrified of himself and the voice inside his head, masquerading as his own.

Didn’t he understand that?

Watari opened the door quickly, and immediately rushed to Light’s side upon seeing his current state. He wasn’t aware of the shinigami floating awkwardly in the room, and kept his back to him.

“He requires a sedative, Watari— I’m not going to be able to restrain him for much longer.” L said, holding Light’s head still against his chest. Light was breathing heavily through his clenched teeth, eyes darting around the room and unable to focus on anything.

“Yes, sir.” Watari complied dutifully, procuring a syringe from his breast pocket. Light’s eyes zeroed in on it and he began to writhe again. There was a pinching sensation in the crook of his neck, and after a few moments he felt his body go lax.

Light could no longer see Ryuk. L was lying him down, flat on his back, and proceeded to wipe away the blood from his face and fingers. Watari was still there, hovering— he could hear him asking L a question.

The last thing Light felt before the darkness took over was the sensation of fingers threading through his sweat-slick hair.

—

“Ryuuzaki, what’s happened to Yagami?” Watari asked as L diligently cleaned away the blood crusted onto Light’s self-inflicted wounds. L took a moment to breathe deeply, pondering how exactly he should go about explaining the situation.

It was a bridge he knew he’d have to cross, but he hadn’t expected it to be so sudden and under such awful circumstances. Light had undergone some degree of mental trauma when he touched his second death note. 

“I’m afraid that I don’t know at the moment, Watari.” L said morosely, lacing his fingers through Light’s tangled hair. “However, I’m sure you’re aware that Light is battling something entirely psychological.”

“I’ve been able to gather that much, yes.” Watari answered patiently. “Has this anything to do with his recent seizure?”

“Yes.” L replied. He looked down at the beautiful boy as his side, his face painfully marred by his own hand. Light looked sickly, like a shadow of his former self. He used to shine so brightly. L looked to Watari, sorrow clearly written on his face. “Light has also admitted to being the first Kira.”

Watari didn’t look surprised.

“And what do you plan to do with this information, sir?” The older gentleman asked. He cast a meaningful glance in Light’s direction. “You’ve taken a personal interest in him, L— and it started long before the revelation of his true identity. I don’t think I need to remind you of the severity of Kira’s crimes.”

“It is my belief that Light has been influenced by something otherworldly.” L said calmly, placing a gentle hand on Light’s furrowed brow. “From what he’s told me, and based on the properties of Kira’s murder weapon, it has to be supernatural. I refuse to accept any other reason as to why he’d behave like this.”

“Do you really believe that?” Watari asked, squaring his shoulders and firmly standing his ground. “You do remember how cunning he was before the investigation was in full swing, don’t you? He’d been an excellent actor— how can you be so sure this isn’t another one of his tricks?”

“He’d never go so far as to injure himself for the sake of proving a point.” L argued. “Something has given way in this mind. I’d almost go as far as to say that Kira was never Light at all, but a psychological byproduct of his prolonged contact with the death note. Perhaps he was more susceptible to its pull, like Higuchi was. _His_  reaction to being separated from it was rather extreme.”

“And what of Higuchi? Is he to be absolved of his crimes as well?” Watari asked challengingly.

“No, of course not.” L said, snapping his eyes up to meet the older gentleman’s. “I’m not under the impression that he’d feel remorse, if given the chance to undergo what Light just had. He’d likely repeat the process, whereas Light has rejected the idea entirely.”

“What is it you plan to do?” Watari asked. “You cannot allow him to go freely.”

“I plan to keep him by my side.” L responded. “His mental capacities and deductive skills are matched only by my own. He’ll be a useful asset.”

“You wish to train him as your successor?” Watari asked, disbelieving. “What of the three candidates you’ve already chosen from Wammy’s House?”

L shook his head. “You misunderstand me. I do not wish for Light to be my successor. I want him to be my partner, and have him work beside me. You’re correct in saying that I cannot let him go free, and that isn’t my intention. This will be his shot at redemption, to atone for his sins.”

“Surely you realize that there is no possibility of him ever making up for the lives that he’s stolen.” Watari said, almost desperately. L nodded, a sad smile on his lips as he pressed a palm to Light’s injured cheek.

“That is why he is to remain with me until death comes to separate us.” L said, solemn. “This will be something he’ll have work toward for the rest of his life. But I doubt that he’ll refuse, once he sees to reason.”

Watari gave his former charge a withering look.

“And how can you be so sure of that, L?” He asked, voice softening considerably. L hadn’t realized they had begun to raise their voices. “What of his family? They aren’t to know the truth, it would break them.”

“I’m sure of this, Watari, because Light’s intrinsic sense of justice rivals my own. He’ll do anything to try and make up for his wrongdoings, even if it means leaving everything he’s ever known behind.”

“Am I to assume that you have a plan, then?” Watari asked, resigned. L nodded, humming to himself.

“In a sense, yes. There’s no possibility of Yagami-san allowing his son to leave the country only to never see him again. And if he knew of Light’s true identity, he’d be so distraught that he’d attempt to take matters into his own hands.”

“So what is it you plan to do?” Watari pressed. He gave L ample space to allow the younger man to rise to his feet. L cast a weary glance to the unconscious, damaged boy in his bed, and then looked to Watari. 

He took a steadying breath, closed his eyes, and opened them with a renewed sense of focus.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I based Light’s earlier panic attack on the ones I most frequently experience. they’re seriously uncomfortable, and I’ve woken up in the middle of them SO many times. it’s like your nerves are on fire and your heart feels like it’s going to actually explode. or even completely stop. 
> 
> ANYWAYY I hope this was okay ? even if it’s kind of a cliffhanger. Light, my poor son... I’m so sorry 8’(
> 
> let me know if there’s any awkward dialogue or inconsistencies !!
> 
> and please leave a review !! 💕💕


	10. Change in Scenery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is really late, I’m sorry 8’( the struggle is real. I’m also 90% sure the quality isn’t that great but I rly did try rip 
> 
> a lot happens off-screen 👀 pls suspend ur disbelief, and have mercy on my soul just this once
> 
> VOMIT TW AHEAD !! it’s brief and non-descriptive

November _6th, 2004_

“ _So what is it you plan to do?_ ” Watari had asked. His thick brows pinched together in a tight furrow, casting a dark shadow over his pale eyes. They were wide with urgency behind his thick prescription glasses, slightly bloodshot and watery. He’d never looked so close to his age prior to this moment, the stress of the situation adding years to his complexion in the form of deep, creased lines.

There were many things that L had planned out and scrapped away within the short period of time between Light’s initial confession and the present. Fleeing the country without a word with Light in tow was, while tempting, inadvisable. He respected Soichiro Yagami too much to allow himself that degree of selfishness.

This wasn’t something that could be fixed so simply. It probably couldn’t be fixed at all.

It was evident to L, from the moment he first met him, that Light wasn’t destined to lead a normal life. Not with a mind as brilliant as his, not with the abilities he possessed. He had the potential to become whatever, _whoever_ he wanted to be simply because he had the brains and the talent to do so.

The fact that it had come down to this, though... it was unfortunate. If it hadn’t been for their coming together, for their growing closeness, Light would’ve truly been wasted potential. Rotting away in a prison cell, until the day a lethal injection forcibly released him from his stay.

Deep down, L _knew_ what needed to be done to ensure Light had a future waiting for him. Whether or not it was the right choice, or a moral choice, was yet to be seen

“...It’s true that, if the Yagami’s were to discover that Light had once willingly acted as Kira, it would break them.” He murmured, rather bluntly, but not without some trace of regret. There was a heavy silence that followed his statement, all-imposing in its truth. He glanced over at Light, the image of his sickly pallor, his face cut up and bloodied by his own hand burning into his retinas. L paced the floor at the foot of his and Light’s bed, continuing where he’d left off with a pained expression.

“While I don’t normally concern myself with the families of the criminals I’ve put away, Light Yagami is a special case. What we’re dealing with is far beyond the realm of human understanding.”

“...Indeed.” Watari replied, his tone low and clipped. Indiscernible. L nibbled at the pad of his thumb, paying no heed to the older man as the cogs in his brain churned into overdrive. His pacing abruptly stopped, bare toes curling into the fluffy carpet beneath his feet.

“I don’t intend on revealing Light’s true identity to anyone else.” L went on, fixing Watari with a piercing stare. “I made a promise to him, in confidence, when he was at his most vulnerable. I’m already breaching his trust by telling you, Watari, but it goes without saying that it was necessa—”

“— _L_.” Watari interrupted impatiently, his eyebrows creasing in distress. His normally perfect posture was rigid with it. “You’re rambling.”

L sighed irritably, pinching the bridge of his nose in an attempt to gather his roaring thoughts. Everything seemed so cluttered at the moment. The stress was eating away at his insides.

“Forgive me, Watari.” He mumbled quietly into the collar of his shirt. “I’m afraid that I’m at a loss as to how I should be reacting. I’ll get to the point.”

Watari sent him a look that screamed volumes of the amount of patience he was exerting just to engage in their conversation. His eyes, usually so alert, were jaded and withdrawn. He waited.

L glanced over to Light mournfully, studying the rise and fall of his chest. This wasn’t going to be easy on him. _Nothing_ would be, after today. He swallowed down the sickness he felt rising in his throat.

“...In order to keep the Yagami family from being destroyed completely, we must offer them a clean break.”

The implications of his statement weren’t lost on Watari. His pale eyes suddenly widened with understanding, and he had to fight himself to keep his eyes trained on his former charge and not the boy— the _murderer_ sleeping in his bed. Dread collected in the pit of his stomach, thick and black and unsettling. He nodded once, at odds with himself but willing to go along with what L described solely because he wished it.

L continued speaking in a hurried tone, although his face no longer held any emotion. He never took his eyes off Light.

“We’re going to need a body on standby.”

—

_November 11th, 2004_

Consciousness found Light five days later, in an unfamiliar environment that felt entirely wrong. He kept his eyes screwed firmly shut, unwilling to part with the sleeping spell that kept him tethered to his previous state of nothingness. The nausea he felt upon waking was almost immediate, a hot and heavy claw in his gut that refused to let go as it fucked mercilessly with his insides.

Something sharp and metallic protruded from the top of his right hand. The site of the obtrusion was tender and felt very nearly bruised. His fingers spasmed involuntarily against paper-thin bedsheets, alerting the person hovering over him at his bedside to his waking. He felt fingers stroking down his forearm, their calloused pads raising a trail of goosebumps along his exposed flesh. 

When Light opened his eyes, his vision was awash in white. He bit back a pained moan against the harsh glow of LED lights, bile churning sickeningly in the pit of his stomach as his senses all but came flooding back. His tired eyes swam around the room dazedly until they finally found L, who was sitting quietly beside him in a rickety plastic chair.

L held his free hand hand between his own, cradling it with care as if it were something fragile and precious. When L met his eyes he looked bedraggled, a deep frown pulling at the corners of his mouth. The bruises under his eyes were a deep shade of purple, nearing on black, and it looked as if he’d spent the last decade or so without a single ounce of sleep.

Another wave of nausea crashed over Light, then, sending pinpricks of anxiety and unbearable heat coursing through his body. He broke out into a cold sweat, eyes watering pitifully as he tried to fight a losing battle with the contents of his stomach. He yanked his hand from L’s grasp and used it to cover his mouth in a last-ditch effort to keep his sickness inside.

“ _I think I’m going to—!_ ”

There was a waste basket in his lap before he had a chance to finish his sentence. Light gripped the plastic rim with enough force to break it, his knuckles bone-white as he began coughing up stomach acid. The force of his retching caused the muscles in his abdomen to seize painfully and intermediately.

His throat felt raw and bloody. His face felt as if someone’d clawed at it, as if they were trying to tear away his skin until there was nothing left but sinew and bone— but he’d done that to _himself_ , hadn’t he? He hardly remembered anything prior to waking up.

Except for the horrible screaming, and the memories of the first dead body he had ever seen. The deaths that he’d caused. The voice in his head that sounded oddly like his own.

He spat into the waste basket, trying to rid himself of the awful taste in his mouth.

“What happened to me?” Light croaked, surrendering the waste basket over to L when he deemed it safe to do so. L gently pushed Light’s shoulders back so he was resting properly in the hospital bed.

Is that where they were? The hospital?

“The shock of receiving your second notebook has induced a high fever.” L explained monotonously, moving his grip from Light’s shoulders to take his left hand into his own. He gently squeezed the slender appendage, already so weak from his second bout of illness. “You’ve been admitted to a private wing at the hospital.”

“Private wing...” Light echoed, tone lifeless and empty. He felt so distant, as if he weren’t the one experiencing what he was going through. “Why?”

“There are a few things that you have missed whilst unconscious.” L said lowly, carefully, keeping his tone ambiguous. “One of which concerns your direct future. I apologize, Light.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Light asked. He didn’t like the look on L’s face— it was too raw and open, and it made Light feel nervous when he’d rather feel nothing at all.

“...There was little choice.” L said softly. Light was wracked with shivers, due in part to his nausea, but also because of the spike of fear that tone sent through him. “With all that was happening, I had to do what I thought would be best in the long run.”

“What are you talking about?” Light asked, unable to quell the rising panic in his voice. “What happened, L?”

“I’ve hired medical staff to forge a diagnosis and medical chart for you.” L replied, idly fiddling with the hospital band around Light’s wrist. His watch was missing. He guessed he no longer needed it... his memories weren’t going anywhere. “I’m sure you understand that you’ll never be permitted to walk as a free man again.”

“Yes..” Light intoned, his voice hoarse and just above a whisper. His throat began closing up as he gathered the pieces that L had laid before him. “My family thinks that I’m dying.”

“For all intents in purposes, Light Yagami is already dead.” 

Light’s heart seize in his chest. He could’ve sworn he felt it stop completely.

“W-wait a second!” Light said, desperately, holding onto that key phrase. _Already dead._ “What do you mean— are you telling me that my family thinks I’m already dead?!”

“Light, you have to understand that I wasn’t given a lot of time to work with.” 

“What about my sister?!” Light cried, feeling panic and something else beginning to rise in his throat. L winced slightly at his sharp cadence. “Or my mother?! I haven’t spoken to them properly since before my detainment— I didn’t even get to see their faces when I called them last month!”

“Light—“

“ _NO!_ ” Light screamed, yanking his hand from L’s grasp once again. He eyes were swimming with tears, and he would not allow L to see them. “I know that I’m evil and that I’ve committed horrible atrocities, but I should’ve been able to—!”

“Light!” L snapped through his reverie with a sharp tone, shocking the younger man into submissive silence. Light was still quivering slightly, a sickly sheen overlaying his abused face.

“I’m going to preface this by saying that you are not evil. You did, however, commit a series of abhorrent crimes, and therefore you have no choice but leave your current life behind. Your family was able to bid their farewells to you while you slept, and they’ll be able to reach a modicum of closure.”

Light bit his tongue to hold back a pathetic sounding whimper. Yes, he understood L’s reasoning, and he hated it.

“How did Sayu take it?” He asked weakly. He couldn’t bear to lift his head.

L gave him a pitying look.

“Not very well, as was to be expected.” He replied honestly. He took Light’s hand, lying prone in his lap, back into his grip. “Please don’t torture yourself over it, Light. They will heal from this, eventually.”

Light didn’t think _he’d_ ever heal from it. But it was his own fault.

“How did I die?” Light asked, ignoring the detective’s attempts at comfort. L sighed, seeming wholly reluctant to allow the conversation to continue.

“The adenovirus.” He said. “Not much is known about how it is contracted. It’s a fast acting virus that disguises itself as the flu, and it’s usually fatal. There is no known cure, or vaccine to prevent it. Your family had no other choice but to accept it for what it was.”

Light nodded, taking in the information with a detached sense of fascination. Perhaps it was the shock, or the sudden bout of dissociation.

“I’m informing you of this now because it was unavoidable.” L said softly, adjusting his position in his chair into a slightly more comfortable crouch. “I would have rather told you about this once we arrived in England, but you woke up sooner than anticipated. We have a flight scheduled three days from now, which will allow you ample time to recover.”

“So that’s it, then.” Light said dully, eyes falling to his lap. “What’s waiting for us in England?”

“You needn’t concern yourself with that right now, Light.” L said, pressing a small kiss to the back of Light’s hand. He then called for a nurse, who supplied him with a sedative in the IV attached to his hand before racing out of the room. “Rest, now. When you awaken, I’ll tell you what you need to know.”

Light felt dizzy, and nodded without really hearing what the other was saying. Sleep had never been so tempting, and he gave into its call willingly.

—

_November 14th, 2004_

Light was suddenly jerked awake by the sound of raucous laughter. He was sat upright, bound to a plush, first-class seat in a large and gorgeously crafted airplane. The laughter was coming from above him, and he recognized it immediately. Irritation washed over him like a cold shower, uncomfortable and all consuming.

“Ryuk. Can you please shut up and stop with your incessant laughing?” Light asked groggily, eyes struggling to adjust to his new surroundings. The shinigami was indeed hovering above him, biting into crisp red apple with a shit eating grin firmly in place.

“Looks like you’re back to feeling like your usual self, kiddo~” Ryuk observed, chuckling lowly under his breath. “I have to say, I’m kind of relieved— you’re pretty scary when you cry.”

“ _What did I just say?!_ ” Light snapped, his face flushed scarlet in humiliation. Ryuk continued to laugh, red eyes alight with curiosity.

“Heh. You’re sure fired up, Light.” Ryuk snickered, biting into a second apple. He had a comically large crate of them at his left, although he already seemed to have made quite a dent in its contents. “You have a lot of energy for someone who spent the last three days fast asleep.”

“I wasn’t asleep, I was in a drug induced coma.” Light said bitingly. “What the hell are you doing here, anyway?”

“I’m still bound to your death note, kid— that detective of yours brought it along with him onto this giant metal bird. For someone who’s supposed to be a genius, you aren’t very perceptive.”

“This is an airplane, Ryuk. Please don’t tell me you’re that stupid.” Light deadpanned, eyes narrowing. “You mentioned L just now. Where is he?”

“He’s talking to that old guy with the mustache up front.” Ryuk said, pointing to the door that led to the cockpit. “He’s been there for a while now— gotta say, I’ve been pretty bored having to sit and watch you drool into your shirt all day.”

Before Light could come up with a nasty retort, L came rushing into his vision from the cabin of the plane.

“Ryuk, I believe I instructed you to inform me if Light-kun awoke.” L said coolly, breezing past the shinigami and into the seat next to Light’s.

“I don’t take orders from humans.” Ryuk replied gamely, a predatory glint to his eyes. “I can be bribed or paid off, but that doesn’t mean I’ll listen.”

“Then you’re of no further use to me right now. Go busy yourself with something more entertaining.”

“Fine, fine~ I’ll leave you to your human courting rituals.” Ryuk sighed, his gravely baritone fading away as his corporeal form disappeared from sight. The crate of apples was left behind, completely empty. 

Light sat stiffly in his chair, but was able to relax a little when L rested a hand on his forearm.

“How are you feeling, Light?” L asked, switching over to English to ask this question. He had a distinct European accent— British, to be precise, but Light wasn’t well versed enough with the Island nation to be familiar with the particular lilt L spoke in. He sounded rather elegant, which warred greatly with how the man presented himself.

“I’ve felt worse.” Light said truthfully, switching over to the language effortlessly. “I think I’m fine, though. Why am I tied up?”

“A precautionary measure.” L replied. “Watari had insisted upon it, in the event that you’d try to hurt yourself again.”

That struck a familiar chord within Light. The cuts on his face felt more prominent, now, burning hot on his skin.

“Most of the abrasions on your face will fade with time.” L said, and began to unbind Light from his chair. He brought out a key and unlocked the cuffs holding his ankles together. “The deeper ones will scar, however.”

L ran a gentle finger over Light’s bandaged cheek.

“I wish you hadn’t done this to yourself..” He murmured sadly, placing his other hand on Light’s face to cup both of his cheeks. Was he talking about the self mutilation, or was he talking about something else? Light felt shame well inside him at either prospect.

He tried to avert his gaze, but L wouldn’t let him.

“Light, look at me.”

He did.

“One of the reasons I’m bringing you back to England with me is because I intend to train you more extensively in my line of work.” L said, keeping his stare level. His hands were warm against Light’s bandaged face, and they slowly soothed his anxieties as they held him in place.

“You are to work alongside me as my partner from that point onwards. And in doing so, you’ll no longer be permitted to use your given name publicly.”

Light looked at him questioningly, apprehension taking hold of his gut. He felt that he understood. But the idea of being anyone other than himself was a daunting one, especially after recovering his memories in such a brutal fashion.

“Okay.” He murmured softly, encircling his hands around L’s wrists to gently pry them from his face. He laced their fingers together, heart heavy with grief. “What will I go by, then?”

L quirked a tiny smile.

“I was thinking Tsuki would be quite fitting, wouldn’t you agree?” Of course, leave it to L to be right on the nose about everything. Light’s first name shared the same kanji as the Japanese word for moon, which was pronounced as _tsuki_.

It seemed he wasn’t giving up too large a piece of his identity, after all.

“Despite the fact that Tsuki is typically used as a woman’s name, I find it rather clever.” Light said, allowing a small smile to grace his battered lips. The lower one had finally begun to heal after he had bitten through it during his seizure, although it still throbbed painfully. “I accept it.”

“Excellent. The alias will only be necessary in mixed company, so for now I’ll address you as normal.” L said, smile stretching a tad. “Unfortunately, I’m unable to disclose the exact location we’ll be taking residence in. There’s still a couple of hours before we arrive—  I’ll have to blindfold you once we’re clear to land.”

“Are you serious?!” Light asked, flabbergasted and honestly a little insulted. “Don’t you think that’s a bit much? It isn’t as if I’m trying to run away.”

“I’m quite serious, Light.” L said, grinning mischievously. Light pulled his hands away and wrung them in his lap. “Have I ever been known to joke?”

“Aside from that one time, no.” Light assented. He was starting to get a headache, and he was still a little fuzzy around the edges after being knocked out for so long. “Fine. I’ll consent to whatever terms you put in place.”

L’s grin widened and leaned forward to place a kiss against Light’s temple.

He felt that he didn’t deserve it.

—

Hours later found Light in a new location, in a country he’d only ever seen in passing on the television a handful of times.

They were in the English countryside, fields of greenery stretching far beyond the horizon. There was a large manor, castle-like in its structure, off in the distance. Large oak trees framed the spectacular building in an elegant arch, while vines of ivy crawled over the cobble walls.

Closer to them was a smaller, more modest looking house. It didn't match the aesthetic of the land, as its design was distinctly modern and more fitting for a suburban neighborhood. It was to be Light’s new home for the foreseeable future.

The interior was sparsely decorated, with plain white walls and dark hardwood flooring. It was underwhelming, but Light was thankful for the change. It held no personality, no homey touches.

L led him through the house in a seemingly uninterested fashion, explaining that the house served him as a base of sorts on the rare occasion that he returned to England. It was hardly lived in at all, which meant that it had likely just been a waste of realty space until L finally returned with Light.

The largest room was the master bedroom, paired with an adjoining bathroom. There was also a dining room, a sitting room and a dingy little kitchen towards the back of the house. It was all on one floor, and beneath the house’s foundation was a blocked-off basement.

Light felt like an outsider here. He supposed that L felt much the same about himself, as he stood rather awkwardly in the middle of the empty walkway, shifting his bare feet against the cold flooring.

Light arrived with no possessions, save for the clothes on his back and the death notes in L’s custody. There was no need to unpack and settle in. There was no point in anything at all. Something clicked in Light’s brain, and he suddenly felt heavy with fatigue and disinterest.

“Is it alright if I lay down?” Light asked, hopelessly exhausted despite being conscious for only a few hours. L looked a bit surprised by the request, but didn’t deny him.

“Yes, Light.” L replied, taking Light’s shirtsleeve between his pinched fingers. “I’ll accompany you.”

He led the way, pulling him the short distance to the bedroom. None of the doors had locks on them aside from the main entrance, which was decked out with an elaborate security system, and the door to the basement.

The bedroom, while not lavish, was more tastefully decorated than the rest of the house. There was a singular king-sized bed adorned in fluffy purple throws. A large mahogany bookshelf was pushed against the wall adjacent to the entryway, thoroughly packed with literature from various countries of origin.

A couple of desks sat pushed together beside the bookshelf, office chairs tucked snugly beneath them. Both spots were empty, but waiting with the intention of being occupied.

The walls were white, like the rest of the house. A black, plush rug stretched from wall to wall, covering the hardwood flooring.

L stepped into the room, Light hot at his heels. Light was maneuvered over to the bed and he gladly allowed it, crawling atop it without further prompting. He collapsed onto it face-down, head buried in a mountain of pillows, and let out a long-suffering sigh.

Light felt L begin untie his shoes and pull them away from his tired feet. L helped him shrug out of his jacket, and with the process of undressing so Light could more comfortably relax. Light rolled himself onto his back and unbuttoned his pants. He raised his hips to shimmy the garment down his thighs, and proceeded to kick them to the floor in a messy heap. 

It might have been a bit undignified, but he didn’t care.

The bed dipped slightly, and Light looked over to watch L sprawl out beside him. L grabbed one of the blankets and draped it over Light’s mostly-bare form. He then proceeded to drape himself over Light in a possessive hold, arms and legs clinging to him in an iron grip. He placed a few wet kisses against Light’s jaw in a comforting gesture before resting his head against his chest.

Light was too tired to complain about the restriction of his movement. L’s added weight to his person helped assuage his anxieties a bit. The dull throb in his heart eased, and he eventually fell into a long, dreamless sleep.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so a few notes:
> 
> The adenovirus is /technically/ a real thing but I took some liberties here because it’s still kind of a mystery. I believe there’s a vaccine for it in the present, but not back in 2004. I’m obviously not a medical professional nfndnd but I did do a fair amount of research before I started bullshitting it. I’ll admit to that 😂  
> I just wanted to take a different path from other lawlight authors on how to approach faking Light’s death. I feel like it’s ALL been done before, and it’s hard to be original in a fandom that’s existed for so long. I know this part wasn’t realistic, but hey. It’s fanfiction.
> 
> so. this is where we depart into AU territory completely— and it’s just as much of a mystery to me as it is to you guys.
> 
> I’m not sure when i’ll be posting chapter 10 since I’m not quite finished writing it yet. but it’ll be the last chapter to go up before I go on hiatus. o dam 8O
> 
> remember to leave a review !! love you guys 💕💕
> 
> -jessie


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